Fari Hadi Saga V

It was a really hot evening of June when I met Fari second and the last time. I chose the place (it was a café as well as an art gallery) this time because I loved their Chicken Taragon and wanted Fari to try it plus it’s ambience was really awesome, cozy seating arrangement along with melodious ghazals and light romantic songs in the background, among the book in dim lights. WOW, can anyone ask for more???
He was looking very cute that day and as he came forward to greet me with open arms, I hesitantly hugged him, as his physical intimacy was very overwhelming for me. We went into the café and ordered the food. We started talking with real mundane day to day life issues and then somehow discussion went to the direction of sexual orientation and I wasn’t sure whether i should tell him or not. A part of me really wanted to tell him because I didn’t want to hide my intentions but another part of me was saying, “Hadi, slow down, don’t freak him out.” But using my Clinical Psychology skills of studying nonverbal cues, and testing the waters slowly I came out to him and you know what he did say, “Tou is main itna sharmanay wali kya baat hai”? (Why you are ashamed of telling this?)
“I am not a bit but I wasn’t sure whether I should confined in you or not. What if it seemed rude or obnoxious to you.”
He smiled and said, “Not at all.”
Now that was the moment I was looking for and I asked the million dollar question, “What about you? I mean are you gay as well?”
“I don’t know for sure, I feel attracted towards men but I like girls as well…but I don’t know.”
Taking this cue I asked him, “Are you physically attracted towards women?”
“I suppose so, it’s what most of the people feel like.”
I gauged his irritation in the reply so I changed the subject and started talking about my experiences as a gay. I told him that Tina knew about me to which he complained, “Appa (Elder sister) never told me so.”
At that moment, the waiter showed up announcing that they were closing the café as apparently there wasn’t any other customer apart from us and the probability of chances of having any other were apparently bleak so I paid the bill and we got up. Pakistan cricket team had a final match to play so all the Lahoriates were glued in front of their TV screens.
But before leaving the cafe, we both went into the adjoining hall where the exhibition was on display and fortunately most of the paintings were of men. I stood in front of a painting and said, “I like such kind of guys, having stubble and rawness in them.”
“Me too.”
And I looked at him and said, “You are gay man.”
“Ok, what if I am gay? What will I do then?”
“Being gay means you feel attracted towards men.”
“Then what this attraction will lead to? I mean what I’ll do with a man.”
“You will have sex with him.”
“No, that’s not I want to have.” He said in a decisive, nostalgic tone.
Later he mentioned his childhood abuse experiences and I became dumbfounded. He has never talked about it to anyone, although Tina had an idea about that. I don’t know why parents bring children to life when they can’t care for them especially the times when the child is vulnerable. But they just don’t see, they are busy in their fucking lives while leaving behind their children on their own. I was in pain after listening to him, one because it’s a very sensitive issue for me to handle and second it was about Fari, my Fari, how dared someone touch him without his consent. My poor sweet little darling! How he had coped with all that, all alone. I so much wanted to be with him during those times and to knock down that bloody rascal and let him pay for his sins but I couldn’t. As Wilde said, “We can’t rewrite the human history just for the gratification of our moral sense of what should be. “ Now look at me, I was in love with a closeted gay guy who didn’t want to accept his gaiety because of his abuse experiences (That’s what I concluded latter on).
We took ice-cream from a nearby fast food chain and told him about my LGBT activism which he listened to quite attentively. Further we started walking, on the canal. I was telling him about the party I recently attended and giving him some graphic details and he was enjoying it. Then we reached to a dark patch of street, rite parallel to the canal and he said, “I am afraid of darkness.” I hold his hand and said, “Don’t worry I am with you.” We crossed that patch and reached to another underpass on the canal. Our friends’ had already texted us announcing the victory of Pakistani team and what we could see on roads was groups of enthusiastic youngsters cheering and celebrating the victory. It was so wonderful to see all that first hand, rare moments in those times of suicide bombings. People cheering up; waving Pakistani flags on bikes, dancing in the middle of the road, all of a sudden the deserted city got back its life. Happiness was erupting from everywhere and was ready to take us away with it. Then out of nowhere, in the middle of the road, I bend down on my knees and said, “Fari, what if I say I love you.”
“I’ll say I love you too.”
“And what if I’ll propose you and ask you to marry me?”
He started laughing; the same wonderful juvenile laughter of his was reaching to his eyes. “I’ll be a great partner to be with; I’ll love you and remain loyal to you.”
He didn’t reply to what I was saying except from laughing his heart out. Then I asked him, “Why you add the suffix of bhai (brother) after my name, every time you call me?”
“Because I take you as my elder brother.”
I was taken aback a little but I controlled it and asked, “Can you ever let this suffix go?”
“Not really, I like you that way.”
I smiled and we said few departing words. “It was great being with you.” He said smilingly.
“Same here.”
That night I was happier over what I had done, said and felt then sad on him taking me as his “bhai”. I so much wanted to share my happiness with someone and I thought of Zain. So, I rushed to his place. He was waiting for me at his gate; we both hugged each other and started spinning and dancing. I was yelling at the highest pitch of my voice that “I proposed him, I proposed him.” And he was laughing and hugging and spinning with me. At that time I never knew that I will have to leave Fari never to meet him again.

(Image Courtesy:Susanne Nilsjo)