Fari Hadi Saga Finale

I don’t know what I should write in the last post of this series, everything is so much scattered in my mind that I can’t even recall what happened earlier and what latter. Moreover, I am afraid of reliving the whole experience and the events connected to Fari after I met him last time. So, I will write this post in snippets of events as they are coming to me. After that meeting with Fari, my love story ended even before blooming (like nipping the evil in the bud). Itna kuch beet gaya hai yaad nae kya fasana tha kya haqeeqat thi. (I have been through a lot, can’t even remember which part was fictional and which was reality).
• Fari started avoiding me, actually he was never into texting me or getting back to me, even between those two meetings of ours, but after the last meeting, he made sure not to text me again, I guess.
• I didn’t like the fact that he considered me a ‘big brother’, it made me feel sick and disgusted. I felt an incestuous rascal, craving for a guy younger than me, was I becoming a pedophile. Yuck!!!
• Tina told me that he had started asking his parents to marry him off as soon as possible. Then he grew a beard, become ultra-religious, started having fights with his parents and siblings, preaching them how much wrong they were in their ways.
• Their (Tina’s & Fari’s) mother came to know about my sexual orientation and started bugging Tina to stop seeing me anymore. She didn’t know that I and Fari were also in contact, I guess then she would have a heart attack.
• As Fari was working in Lahore so in all this familial tension he stopped going back to home where Tina was adamant to talk to him about it. I didn’t want to create any problem for Fari or for Tina or for their family, so I strongly advised Tina to keep her mouth shut.
• And I knew he don’t love me that way, anyway….
So, I started deleting him from my system. Lost me cell one day, unintentionally although, but I knew it will happen that day when after a few months, as I was passing by the café I met him last time, I became so much nostalgic that I couldn’t resist myself calling him up. I thought I was over him but as I heard his “Hello” my heart started throbbing like always. I managed to talk to him in a normal tone and ended it up in a friendly manner. But I was shocked that he was still there inside me. I went for some research work and on my way, I lost my cell and as I was traveling back to my place, in the bus, I didn’t know what happened, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I could see people looking at me, but I was so composedly shedding tears that they didn’t come close to me. Even I wasn’t bothered about anyone at that time, I was in deep pain and that’s all I knew.
Tina remained on my side throughout. She stood in front of her mother and didn’t stop meeting me. She so much wanted to make me and Fari a couple, she was angry and agitated about all that. She wanted to make him love me but I told her to relax. I even stopped talking to her about Fari as it would enrage her. I still remember her saying many times, even that day at terminal, “Fari doesn’t deserve a strong, kind guy like you. You are too good for him. He will ditch you, he’s a spineless coward.”
After a whole year, he got my new number from Tina and came in contact once again. But this time it was completely different. I know he still listens to me, whatever I say. I tried to bridle his ruthless religious bigotry through puns, sarcasm, and discussions and they worked. He got married this February and I was invited. I didn’t go not because I am still in love with him or once I was in love with him but because I wasn’t sure about the reaction of his mother and secondly I was busy that day (it was mid-week, strange time for a wedding though). It drizzled for two days in Lahore, the day he had a Nikah and when he had Walima. It was really funny, you see, I used to think that I‘ll die without him, or will die if he will share physical intimacy with someone and that was going to happen after his wedding and I wasn’t feeling any such thing. I prayed for his marital bliss, after a long time I prayed, actually after leaving Fari, I prayed very first time, the day he got married.
I remember I used to be so sure about getting him in my life. I fell in love very late although, I was 24 then. I was such a nice, optimistic guy who used to think that Allah will grant him to me, as I had never asked anyone from him before. Because I had never cheated, never deceived, never lied, had been a good boy. I knew that Tina was right about his spinelessness that he lacked what should be in a good partner but I used to think Allah will change him for me. He’s Allah Almighty, He can do anything, and He will make him mine. I was telling this to Gaia and Zeb when Zeb said, “Hadi! I am having goose bumps right now. And I am afraid what will happen…if…?” she left the sentence incomplete. Exactly at that time, call for evening prayer started and I smiled and said, “It will not happen.”
I am not sad over Fari a bit now, he has never been that much important seriously. But what is bothering me immensely is that in all this, I lost my faith, I lost my Allah. Now I fear praying, fear calling Him, fear talking to Him. He made me fear. He made me fear myself. And now I am a godless creature… and it’s not fair, certainly not fair.


(Image Courtesy: Bartek Ambrozik)

Fari Hadi Saga V

It was a really hot evening of June when I met Fari second and the last time. I chose the place (it was a café as well as an art gallery) this time because I loved their Chicken Taragon and wanted Fari to try it plus it’s ambience was really awesome, cozy seating arrangement along with melodious ghazals and light romantic songs in the background, among the book in dim lights. WOW, can anyone ask for more???
He was looking very cute that day and as he came forward to greet me with open arms, I hesitantly hugged him, as his physical intimacy was very overwhelming for me. We went into the café and ordered the food. We started talking with real mundane day to day life issues and then somehow discussion went to the direction of sexual orientation and I wasn’t sure whether i should tell him or not. A part of me really wanted to tell him because I didn’t want to hide my intentions but another part of me was saying, “Hadi, slow down, don’t freak him out.” But using my Clinical Psychology skills of studying nonverbal cues, and testing the waters slowly I came out to him and you know what he did say, “Tou is main itna sharmanay wali kya baat hai”? (Why you are ashamed of telling this?)
“I am not a bit but I wasn’t sure whether I should confined in you or not. What if it seemed rude or obnoxious to you.”
He smiled and said, “Not at all.”
Now that was the moment I was looking for and I asked the million dollar question, “What about you? I mean are you gay as well?”
“I don’t know for sure, I feel attracted towards men but I like girls as well…but I don’t know.”
Taking this cue I asked him, “Are you physically attracted towards women?”
“I suppose so, it’s what most of the people feel like.”
I gauged his irritation in the reply so I changed the subject and started talking about my experiences as a gay. I told him that Tina knew about me to which he complained, “Appa (Elder sister) never told me so.”
At that moment, the waiter showed up announcing that they were closing the café as apparently there wasn’t any other customer apart from us and the probability of chances of having any other were apparently bleak so I paid the bill and we got up. Pakistan cricket team had a final match to play so all the Lahoriates were glued in front of their TV screens.
But before leaving the cafe, we both went into the adjoining hall where the exhibition was on display and fortunately most of the paintings were of men. I stood in front of a painting and said, “I like such kind of guys, having stubble and rawness in them.”
“Me too.”
And I looked at him and said, “You are gay man.”
“Ok, what if I am gay? What will I do then?”
“Being gay means you feel attracted towards men.”
“Then what this attraction will lead to? I mean what I’ll do with a man.”
“You will have sex with him.”
“No, that’s not I want to have.” He said in a decisive, nostalgic tone.
Later he mentioned his childhood abuse experiences and I became dumbfounded. He has never talked about it to anyone, although Tina had an idea about that. I don’t know why parents bring children to life when they can’t care for them especially the times when the child is vulnerable. But they just don’t see, they are busy in their fucking lives while leaving behind their children on their own. I was in pain after listening to him, one because it’s a very sensitive issue for me to handle and second it was about Fari, my Fari, how dared someone touch him without his consent. My poor sweet little darling! How he had coped with all that, all alone. I so much wanted to be with him during those times and to knock down that bloody rascal and let him pay for his sins but I couldn’t. As Wilde said, “We can’t rewrite the human history just for the gratification of our moral sense of what should be. “ Now look at me, I was in love with a closeted gay guy who didn’t want to accept his gaiety because of his abuse experiences (That’s what I concluded latter on).
We took ice-cream from a nearby fast food chain and told him about my LGBT activism which he listened to quite attentively. Further we started walking, on the canal. I was telling him about the party I recently attended and giving him some graphic details and he was enjoying it. Then we reached to a dark patch of street, rite parallel to the canal and he said, “I am afraid of darkness.” I hold his hand and said, “Don’t worry I am with you.” We crossed that patch and reached to another underpass on the canal. Our friends’ had already texted us announcing the victory of Pakistani team and what we could see on roads was groups of enthusiastic youngsters cheering and celebrating the victory. It was so wonderful to see all that first hand, rare moments in those times of suicide bombings. People cheering up; waving Pakistani flags on bikes, dancing in the middle of the road, all of a sudden the deserted city got back its life. Happiness was erupting from everywhere and was ready to take us away with it. Then out of nowhere, in the middle of the road, I bend down on my knees and said, “Fari, what if I say I love you.”
“I’ll say I love you too.”
“And what if I’ll propose you and ask you to marry me?”
He started laughing; the same wonderful juvenile laughter of his was reaching to his eyes. “I’ll be a great partner to be with; I’ll love you and remain loyal to you.”
He didn’t reply to what I was saying except from laughing his heart out. Then I asked him, “Why you add the suffix of bhai (brother) after my name, every time you call me?”
“Because I take you as my elder brother.”
I was taken aback a little but I controlled it and asked, “Can you ever let this suffix go?”
“Not really, I like you that way.”
I smiled and we said few departing words. “It was great being with you.” He said smilingly.
“Same here.”
That night I was happier over what I had done, said and felt then sad on him taking me as his “bhai”. I so much wanted to share my happiness with someone and I thought of Zain. So, I rushed to his place. He was waiting for me at his gate; we both hugged each other and started spinning and dancing. I was yelling at the highest pitch of my voice that “I proposed him, I proposed him.” And he was laughing and hugging and spinning with me. At that time I never knew that I will have to leave Fari never to meet him again.

(Image Courtesy:Susanne Nilsjo)

Fari Hadi Saga III

It was Thursday of the same week and Tina was leaving Lahore for home and I went to meet her at the terminal. She was asking how it was with Fari afterwards. And I said, “Theaik tha (it was Ok)” and then changed the subject because I was avoiding the topic but one way or other she continued to bring it up again and again. Than finally she asked me, “Have you fallen in love with my brother?” and I was so much embarrassed that I just can’t explain. I started wobbling and she took my hand in her and said, “It’s ok Yaar (buddy), I would love to have you as my brother in law.” And then we both started laughing like anything and I told her what was happening to me since I met him. I explained that it’s an amazing feeling but I was embarrassed to admit it in front of her thinking that maybe she would have apprehensions about it. And secondly, how it can happen? I mean he’s 2 years younger(and I don’t want to be sound like achild molester, although he was of legal age) than me and how can I fall for him, just like that, as it was mere fucking love at first sight, I never believed in? I had always been an adamant believer that ‘love at first sight’ is crap; it’s just ‘lust at first sight’ and now my own believe was challenged by Fari and it was hard for an egoistic person like me to accept it. I told her I’ll work on my feelings and block them all because I of the above mentioned reasons and because I was afraid, afraid of falling in love as it brings pain and deep emotional trauma I don’t want to have. Even Addy, a dear friend of mine, made me realize of my familial and social responsibilities and advised me to put myself away from him. But it was never a mathematical formula, despite of all my efforts to ignore him, i was falling for him more and more.
Than one day, after few weeks, just out of nowhere, I called him up as Gaia, my dearest friend was thusafying (this word is my invention meaning eating hard) eating water melons in front me and was asking me to call him. I was sitting on the terrace of her apartment and looking out at the tree where birds were making a lot of noise as it was about to sunset. With a throbbing heart I called him up and after usual regular talk, asked him to meet me for a dinner. Which he agreed and next day we were going out. It wasn’t a date, it was just dinning out. And as announced this news, Gaia hailed, “Yeah, finally you are on the track.” And I couldnot control my smile.

(Image Courtesy: Christa Richert)

Fari Hadi Saga II

Me and Tina met on a February afternoon and went for Italian cuisine. There’s a really nice one here in Lahore. We ordered stuff by mutual consensus. It was really wonderful that day, I still remember, the spring sun had such a consoling happy affect that I still miss it. Moreover, first time I was openly gay with Tina and checking out the guys around me, being as much stupid, funny, and cheapu (Cheapster; yes it’s fun to be one at times, especially with friends) as possible. Eating from the same platter, sharing drinks, putting spoons full of food in each other’s mouths (which was usual for us, but that day it was something special) , people were thinking we were a couple and Tina added, “Poor people, they don’t know how they have been visually exploited.” And I was like, “Whatever.” She had started making sketches and brought few of them with her and I took two sketches I liked the most, you know why??? Because it was my day and I was so much happy and at peace with myself and with Tina. After, the long long lunching session, we started walking on the road Tina was telling me about Fari, rather she was telling me how much similar we both were. We both love rains, Oscar Wilde, are emotionally expressive, can cry when we want without caring much about the masculine prototypes of the society which dictates men never to cry. She said we had a unique sense of juvenility in us, even at this age, which is rare and lastly the way we both smiles, which she opined ‘a unique cute signature smile’ no one can forge, was also similar. It was enough to raise my excitement and I was eagerly waiting for him to join in the café where we had finally settled down to have tea and wonderful chocolate cake and triple chocolate brownie. After the sunset, he came and as he did not know the place I went out to get him. I was standing at the juncture of the adjoining roads when I saw a guy, little shorter than me, in stubble, wearing red jumper and crossing the road and I thought he can be Fari and called out, “Fari” and he looked back at me and gosh that frame froze forever in my memory. He came towards me; we shake hands and moved towards the café.
The café ‘s rhythmic music was enough to unwind me and I was kinda showing moves which he was noticing and appreciating with his twinkling eyes and need to tell, this attention was driving me more crazy. The sublime feeling of him across the table was romantic enough to make me happy; he had that kinda intoxicating effect on me. Every cell of my body was yelling “Fari Fari Fari” in chorus and I think Tina felt that resonance if not Fari. I broke the news to Tina “He’s gay, he’s gay” through my non-verbal cues. We all were talking and enjoying a lot and I was wondering at the comfort level I had achieved with him so soon. There was an instant fuming chemistry between us; he was telling me things which people have to earn after years of affiliations (Tina told me so afterwards) and I was feeling the way I was feeling very first time in my life. After a while Tina left both of us and we started walking on the road to the bus point. And we were talking about our families, our ambitions, our lives, even our problems. And then his point came and he left and I came out of a trance like situation. Really he was mesmerizing and yes he smiled like me and I got a wonderful smile like him. We vowed to meet each other again soon.


(Image Courtesy:Jefferson Sestaro)

Fari Hadi Saga I

Tina was going to meet me very first time since I came out to her. For the past few years she has been a great friend of mine but I was always reluctant to tell her about myself because I was insecure, thinking that she might leave or abandoned me. But I was tired, tired of acting what I wasn’t actually, tired of pretending somebody I am not like. It’s so painful to be hidden. So, as I came out to myself and finally become comfortable about my sexual orientation I just told her.
So, that year when she called me up to wish me New Year, I don’t know how it popped up in my head because I wasn’t planning to come out to her at phone but it just happened and I couldn’t resist. After hearing me she said quite normally, “I have known this for years.” And I became surprised and said, “Seriously, was it so obvious.” And she said, “No it wasn’t, especially and a dull person like can’t get her hands on anything but somehow I knew it.” I became more interested now, even forgetting my zinger burger with cheese (yummy) and the whole bunch of people around me in the café.
“Nahin(NO)! But there must be something, some signs, my expressions, walking, talking, and gestures, anything which had made think you so.”
“May be but I never scrutinize your behavior that way.”
“But how come you think I was gay then? Don’t say you had turned out to be a clairvoyant because I am not going to buy this and moreover my sixth sense is better than you and I am feeling that there’s something you aren’t telling me.” “You are such a dog Hadi” she said while giggling, “that’s the problem with old friends, they know when you are lying even if you are claiming otherwise. Ok! You caught me Hadi.”
There was a pause, a brief one, but it seemed ages to me, I was terribly excited to know what was coming out of her mouth. “You remember, I have been saying that you are like Fari(her brother) a lot?”
“Hmmmmmm”
“I guess he’s gay too.”
“WHAT????” I shouted at the highest pitch of my voice and then realized that there are respected families sitting around me.
“How can you say that?” I intoned.
“Because he has been so different from the rest of us, and we all have been talking about this since ages and you are also different so I just added two in two and made four. And now, as you have finally come out so I am thinking that he must be gay. You remember, once you said that you have gaydars, do they still work?”
“Yeah” I said in a kind of mediating manner.
“Okay I am coming this weekend and I ‘ll ask Fari to join us so that you can apply your gaydars on him.”
“Hmmm, ok, but I am not sure about it, waisay(by the way)” I said in partial disbelief of my latent talent. “But let’s see.”

(Photo Courtesy: Lucasbite)