Propagating and accepting diversity in all its forms, colours, sizes, shapes, moods and orientations is the main purpose of this blog. Being a staunch proponent of human rights, freedom of speech and expression(with responsibility), this blog will voice out all my horrible filthy mind tricks, obnoxious blatant beliefs, and potentially blasphemous thoughts which have been contingent to my self exploration.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
THE GUY WHO WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH ME
The title suggests the reason I fell for Kim. I just can’t explain how intimate, emotional and special it was for me because no one had ever said anything like that to me and I was literally touched by the emotions embedded in this idea of romantic longevity. It’s said that dreaming is pivotal to human growth if chased, but online dreams; well think again. The communication between me and Kim continued for almost a month and it was a full on emotional roller coaster lifetime experience.
Ideally I should have given up the idea of having another online marshmallow affair after Maddy but I thought that there was something special about Kim because of the things he used to say like having a monogamous committed romantic relationship, growing old together, raising kids etc. At that time, I used to wonder how come a guy can actually say the things which I desperately want to hear. He was an IT professional (the field I look up with a childlike amazement because of my lack of understanding to it), almost of my age (which made me think he was mature), could draw sketches (how romantic), can write poems (though I didn’t write his style but still a talent close to my heart), well educated (which is very important for me) and even wanted to study further.
Initially I was skeptical another online, long distance affair but I thought of giving myself and him a chance and the vision he had about our lives together was so attractive that I just couldn’t resist and fell for him and that dream. I still remember when Sanu, a friend advised me to be cautious about him when he came to know about the nature of my contact with him and the ‘advanced level’ progress we were having in such a short time. I wish I had taken his advice seriously then but I guess if I had then I wouldn’t have learned what Kim taught me.
When I shared my reluctance about our online and long distance communication and asked how its going to work, he showed me another dream of moving to Lahore for me from his native city Karachi. Though, let me accept that it made me felt happy internally and satisfied my sense of worth but still advised him not to make such an important decision just because of me to which he replied that he need a change and has been looking for moving out of Karachi, either for studies or for work.
Another fact which makes Kim different was his bisexuality and that seemed to be the only thing at that moment I wasn’t sure to go about. I have a very close friend who is bisexual but she’s a women and I didn’t think that it will be same in the case of a bisexual man. It wasn’t a matter of biphobia but the thing was that I had never been with any bisexual and it seemed like me potentially fighting on two fronts, i.e. both men and women. So, while talking to Kim about it, I started reading stuff about bisexuality in order to know him better.
While dreaming about having a future together, I was enjoying all the attention and his frank assertion of ‘being in love’ with me over Facebook. Apart from making me (a person with low self-esteem which I compensate by being sarcastic and at times rude) feel ‘desired’, on one hand this showering of cyber affection was an emancipating experience where we both were claiming the space for the non-heteronormative love while on the other hand while expressing his love, he used to ‘claim’ me in a very hyper masculine manner which sounded chauvinist and highly heteronormative to me and there were moments when I used to feel as if I was a commodity or property been ‘owned’ by some man.
Very soon, this very cyber space turned out to be a battle ground for him as he started throwing tantrums to me and others, stalking me and directing me about the what/whom/how of my online communication. Having fights over Facebook comments, likes; seemed a regular normal action for him and I was expected to support him in all his vengeance strikes. And if I failed to succumb to what I supposed to do, I was labeled as being ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unloving’.
I soon realized that he was suspicious of my online as well as off line communication with guys. Even he asked me several times to confess about ‘never existing’ sexual/romantic relationship with Boze as we both friends were/are very close to each other. And after my repeated explanations why it just never happened, he would start questioning why not. Moreover, he was obsessed about having me in contact with him around the clock because ‘he loved me,’ and was ‘expressive’ about it. Everything was happening so quickly that I just couldn’t think properly where I was going and what I should do about this. All I knew during those days was more stress with less personal space and I was continuously giving this feedback to myself that ‘He loves me.’ I never realized when this potential ‘janam janam ka sath’ (love for all times) turned emotionally and psychologically abusive.
And as if I haven’t enough yet, one day he texted that he came out to his parents and things were really worst between him and his family. He doubted that our communication would be blocked soon and so he wanted me to be with him during that bad phase of his life and I affirmed his confidence in me though I wanted to say, ‘What the fuck’ because just a night before this incident we both talked and explored the consequences of his coming out to his parents and I was agitated why he changed his decision in the morning, without taking me in confidence as it was also related to me. He said that he wanted to come out because of me (though I never asked him to do so) and to formally announce to his parents that he’s not marrying any girl as he had me. In the evening, I got text from his number asking me never to contact Kim again and that was the moment I feared the most. That was too much for me to handle and I freaked out completely and didn’t know what I had done if Boze and Gaia wouldn’t have been there for me.
I was worried about his well-being and didn’t know how to go about it. I was sure that being an adult and independent guy, he would be in a better position to cope with it but I was proved wrong when after few days when he contacted me from a different number and told me that his father had beaten up him with a belt and all modes of his communication like cell phone and internet were terminated for few days, he even remained in a ‘house arrest’ for a day or so. On the one hand I was horrified what he has been through and on the other hand I was unable to understand that how could an adult man be so helpless in 21st century. He further blamed me for leaving him in doldrums and didn’t know how to react to it. Latter in the evening, after having the situational analysis, I asked him to re-locate to Lahore secretively as living with his family in Karachi wasn’t plausible for him but he disagreed to it and he told me that he was shopping with his parents and bought them nice goodies and they all happy and pleasant again, and I was like ‘OK’. Another thing I couldn’t understand about him and his parents.
Few days later, my fraternal grandmother died and I couldn’t remain in contact with him for few hours and he got another fault in me. At that time I thought that to smoothen up our connection and for the better understanding of each other, I should visit Karachi but he told me that he was unsure of meeting me and I was shocked and felt hurt about it. I don’t know whether it was a deciding point in our connection or my tolerance for taking shit expired and I thought of calling it off but still didn’t want to take initiative. Because I didn’t want to take the responsibility of calling it off, even although I had become a total disaster since the day I came to know him. Finally, one day I was busy with stuff and he got pissed off because I wasn’t replying to him thus he thankfully deleted me from his cyber world and announced the termination of our online connection and relation (if it can be called one). I actually took several sighs of relief but story doesn’t end here and few days later I was informed through a common friend that he attempted suicide which reasserted my belief of not having him in my life because his psychological instability needs professional help, not me. After sometime, he contacted me again and desired to have me back but knowing all our history I declined to do so and that connection even ended up in fight and blame game. At that time, I was happily ready to take all the blame and responsibility but not to have him back in my life. He never contacted me again and neither did I.
Now when I look back, I didn’t have any hard feelings or regret about it because that experience helped to learn more about the people and life. It’s much better to remember him as the guy who used to call me late night and make me laugh by acting like a woman or a child over phone.