Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Coming Out Story


Coming out has been an extremely audacious and strident process for me as it seemed next to impossibility to accept myself as who I am as the dynamics of Pakistani society are quite unique from Western cultures. At times being considered as a homosocial society, where men experience more same sex physical proximity and intimacy than any average American or British, but with the rapid globalization, the stigma has also been attached to this seemingly homosocial behavior.

Being brought up in a traditional middle class family of Lahore, I have always been discouraged to ask questions and been advised to conform to pre-existing knowledge and cultural values without getting skeptical about it. But I was a born inquisitive child for whom Whys, Whos, Hows and Whats has been very important. And I guess, this is the result of my innate curiosity and inquisitiveness which made me realize and accept my gaiety. My questions were regarded as the biggest dilemma of my childhood life as my elders used to say, “Pata nae yeh iitni ajeeb ajeeb baatain kyun karta hai? Hum nay to kabhi koi sawal nae poacha tha apnay bazarguan say. Bus un ke har baat maan letay thay chup kar kay.” (We don’t know why he asks so many questions. We have never raised questions as kids; instead we used to follow our elders without questioning them”.

This thinking pattern is a part of our collective unconscious that my parents, grand parents and perhaps great grand parents all were that kind of individuals who were used to of spending life in accordance to what they have passed on to them under the name of morality and value system. Any possible diversion from those mythical and folklore based traditions was considered unholy and blasphemous. But, things were different for me. It was not a matter of me being gay but generally I was different from other children of my age. I have individual opinion or tried to have one.

I tend to see certain level of pseudo morality, injustice and hypocrisy within the framework of norms handed over to me. I could never understood than why the hell we Sunnais (followers of a majority sect in Islam) need to hate Shias (followers of a minority sect in Islam) when they are Muslims as well? Why the men have given an edge over women in Islam when I see my father been rude to my mother? I never got satisfied with the replies to those questions than but now I have come to know that only heteronormativity is way to go. But I never bought that thought and from that’s where my story starts.

I knew from day one, as far as I can remember, that I liked men. This awareness came when I was 6 or 7 years old and one night, after my parents went to sleep, I tuned TV and started watching an old Lollywood movie. In one scene, the protagonist came shirtless and that was the moment, I guess when I felt something different, something I was unable to define at that time. I still remember that the next day, I couldn’t concentrate in my school and had severe headache. What I was feeling at that time was mixture of shame, joy, fear and guilt.
My way of talking, walking, behaving and expressing thing was different and that enough clue for my father who tried to carve out a physical and emotional hard core man out of me after his friends and relatives started pointing out potential feminine streaks in me. Alarmed by the situation, he did what every conscious father might have done and I quite intelligently dealt with the situation by manipulating my walk, talk and behavior like the man I was expected of becoming. A prototype my father and my society have carved for me. I were 10-11 years old than.
I knew that whenever I see ‘my kind of guy’, I did experience warm sensation on my face or a flutter in my chest. But I always used to lower down my eyes and shun my feelings. Considering it an abnormal feeling and budding a disease, I even used to pray to Allah to take this scourage of perversity away from me, but he never did. Why, I came to know latter in my life?

Being bullied at school for being gay as well as a chubby kid, I turned out as an extremely aggressive and emotionally aloof man who gives shit about everything around him. Actually, it was a defense mechanism, a kind of maneuvering to repel people away from me, in the fear that they might stigmatize me. Wearing that mask, I used to think that my ordeal was over but it was becoming tougher as I entered in college. Been exposed to a large number of men, badly managing my newly acquired puberty and having no one to confine in, I was heading towards a complete disaster.
But, somehow, out of blue, I befriended a college fellow and unexpectedly one fine day we both started talking about this issue after cracking a Pathan joke (Pathans/Khans jokes are renowned for having a gay twist). And I came out to him and to my surprise, he also joined me in this coming out. I can’t how much relieved and unburdened I felt that day after sharing my loathsome secret with him. But still being Muslims, we considered it a sin and perversion. After that I just happened to identify and befriend with several other boys in campus with the same orientation. It was indeed a strengthening experience for me as I realized that I wasn't alone. Whether, it was a disease or a perversion, a natural calamity or choice, than I wasn’t the only one, there is a whole lot with same thing.
Than as I moved for my graduation and than Masters, I started doing research regarding this issue while continuously praying to Allah every day, in the awe that one fine day, He would take pity on me and let me find a solution for it. I came across the scientific research evidences, both medical and psychological literature, which clearly states that it’s a natural phenomena not a matter of choice and knew it by heart that I never opted for it and it was natural for me unlike an 'adopted perversion.'
But that scientific scholarship was hardly enough for me because being a traditional Muslim I had been told that it’s forbidden in Islam. And I don't want to forgo my religion for my orientation's sake. I still remember how terrible those fruitless ‘research’ days were when nothing functional was coming out of it. Capital punishment or celibacy, that's what Islam seemed to offer me at that time, what I needed wasn't any permission to have sex with a man. That was hardly enough. What I was actually looking to have a way to envision a life of love, intimacy and commitment with a man in the context of a religiously alive traditional Islam. And finally, one day, just like a guardian angel, I met my expatriate cousin, who has been researching the issue of homosexuality within Islamic literature. He shared extremely valuable information with me regarding the alternative view points on the issue based upon the analysis of Quran, Hadith and Islamic jurisprudence. I gave a thorough study to the works of Scott Siraj ul Haqq Kugle, Daayiee Abdullah, Muhsin Hendricks, Pamela Taylor, Samar Habib and other distinguished scholars, analyzed their work, revaluated it and followed my spiritual institution and than finally I came up with my stance. I realized that Allah don't hate me, He doesn't detest me. And that my gayness is a hard wired element of my personality, which can't be changed and why should it be changed because it’s a manifestation of my Allah's diversity, not a moral failing.
After this, my attitude towards my own self as well as towards others started changing for the better. I became more confident, happy, peaceful and contented while further disseminating this positivity. From that day onwards I decided to educate, help and facilitate people in general and sexual minorities in particular, with all the resources available to me. I wish that one day; all sexual minorities will get full and complete acceptance, not tolerance or sympathy, but complete acceptance for their difference. I know it’s difficult, but I’ll continue to work for this cause. This was me, Hadi Hussain and that was my story.

(This article was published in the July-August issue of Gaylaxy Magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Rudy Tiben)

Queer Activism in Pakistan


Recently I came across an interview of Ali Saleem aka Begum Nawazish Ali by Vishwas Kukarni from Times of India. When Saleem was asked about gay life in Pakistan, he replied back, “….everybody is free to be whatever they want to be. I've never heard of any discrimination based on sexuality….” It might be sensational publicity claptrap (for Big Boss season 4) or a way to project ‘the enlighted moderation’ (a motto General Pervaz Musharraf gave and Saleem followed it by heart) for him but for every LBGT individual living in Pakistan, it was a blatant display of ignorance and irresponsibility. His statement reminded me of General Musharaf’s equally insane and outrageous statement proclaiming “No gays in Pakistan.” Call it Saleem’s elitist myopia for such ignorance because if you are resourceful; with family members in bureaucracy or in army or if you have oil wells pumping in your backyard (as Maya Angelou said) only than you can get away with anything. Otherwise you will have to pay for yours as well as of others’ sins for not being the blessed one.
Such obnoxious incidents and irresponsible comments don’t only trivialize the on-going harassment of LGBT individuals but also damaging the budding LGBT movement in Pakistan. Therefore a serious and responsible representation of Pakistani LGBT community is required so that the real voices can be raised and listened globally.
During my course of work for LGBT community in Pakistan, I have come across a plethora of issues. Starting from the most frequently asked question, “Why LGBT rights are needed? to the myths attached to parallel sexualities; or the lack of culturally relevant research discourses to the absence of non-derogatory terms and literary expressions for LGBT individuals, or the discrimination and violence individuals with alternate sexualities face to the ever popular sexuality-Islam (religion) debate, there is so much to explore and to work on as it’s a completely unexplored issue in Pakistan.
Now I will try to address all the potentially important areas of LGBT activism in Pakistan, one by one. Every single day I came across people asking why it’s important to struggle for LGBT rights when women haven’t gotten there’s, when religious minorities face injustice and when there is a on-going war on terrorism within the land of pure. Why to make such a brouhaha and making this non-issue an issue? To address this issue, firstly we need to understand who is deciding what is important and what is not. And this idea of becoming ‘important’ also varies from person to person. Secondly, having other issues doesn’t lessen the importance of LGBT rights rather they require more attention as various organizations and NGOs are working for the empowerment of women and minorities in Pakistan but LGBT issues are always brushed under the carpet (Although there are some NGOs working with Hijra community only and its limited to HIV/AIDS and sexual health). We need to understand and accept the fact that LGBT rights are actually human rights and without recognizing and implementing them we can’t call Pakistan a civil society.
Every time, I look around or talk to my fellow queer folks, I hear that people laugh about their sexual and gender identity and I believe media is responsible for this at large. Because look at any movie or play, LGBT characters are added to raise the humor quotient of the project with typical stereotypical depiction. I just want to say to all those torch bearers of infotainments that LGBT people are neither laughing stocks nor side kicks. They are serious individuals with a lot more seriousness about their lives than any average heterosexual person.
Then there are several myths regarding LGBT especially about male homosexuality. Generally, public think it’s a disorder which need to be treated, than it’s all about sex, sex and sex. Queers are promiscuous, potentially atheists without any moral values, have been victims of childhood sexual abuse and are pedophiles in disguise and the devil-list goes on. All these myths are primary contributors for developing stereotypes which further cause violence and discrimination of LGBT individuals. Therefore, we need to address these myths with patience and to spread awareness regarding the community because otherwise nobody is going to relearn his/her social behavior. Another issue attached to it the problem of language and terminology we found in Urdu or other regional languages. All we have is chakka, khusra, zanana, baji, moorat, double paratha, double sim, londaybaz, pathaon ke barfi etc and all of them are slangs or abuses. There’s a huge drench of gender neutral and non-derogatory vocabulary for LGBT which should also be culturally relevant. Moreover, we need to document experiences and life histories of LGBT individuals along with empirical researches exploring different facets of queerness.
Talking of sexual orientation in Pakistan, how one can get away without discussing Islam. Religion has occupied an undeniable holy stature in the lives of Pakistanis and as soon as they hear of queerness or queer rights, everyone even the least practicing Muslims will come up and say its haram and that queers are meant to be damned. Although, mainstream religious scholars and interpretations of texts suggest capital punishment for what they think is male homosexuality. There isn’t strong enough evidence for punishing lesbians or bisexuals whereas intersexual have been granted some rights but most of the population is unaware of them. However, there are alternative approaches put forward by several Islamic scholars and Imams like Daayie Abdullah, Mohsin Hendricks, Sitti Musda, Amina Wadud, Irshad Manji and several others which postulate that homosexuality isn’t haram in Islam.
To deal with all the above mentioned issues in a professional manner, it’s pivotal to get proper trainings to enhance the required skills required for doing queer activism. Because only than we will be able to render proper services to the community. Moreover, we need to establish a social support system for LGBT community in Pakistan which will provide them an opportunity to interact with like minded people and to be friends with but as well as act as surrogate family in the time of need.
Queer activism in Pakistan has still a long way to go because things are just starting off but a time will come when we will march down the roads chanting slogans and raising rainbow flags and telling everyone that we are queer and we are proud of it. Only than we will be able to make this land of ours truly a Rainbowistan.

(The article was published in Oct-Dec 2010 issue of Gaylaxy magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Pakistan Queer Movement PQM, Nuwas Manto)