THE GUY WHO WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH ME

The title suggests the reason I fell for Kim. I just can’t explain how intimate, emotional and special it was for me because no one had ever said anything like that to me and I was literally touched by the emotions embedded in this idea of romantic longevity. It’s said that dreaming is pivotal to human growth if chased, but online dreams; well think again. The communication between me and Kim continued for almost a month and it was a full on emotional roller coaster lifetime experience. Ideally I should have given up the idea of having another online marshmallow affair after Maddy but I thought that there was something special about Kim because of the things he used to say like having a monogamous committed romantic relationship, growing old together, raising kids etc. At that time, I used to wonder how come a guy can actually say the things which I desperately want to hear. He was an IT professional (the field I look up with a childlike amazement because of my lack of understanding to it), almost of my age (which made me think he was mature), could draw sketches (how romantic), can write poems (though I didn’t write his style but still a talent close to my heart), well educated (which is very important for me) and even wanted to study further. Initially I was skeptical another online, long distance affair but I thought of giving myself and him a chance and the vision he had about our lives together was so attractive that I just couldn’t resist and fell for him and that dream. I still remember when Sanu, a friend advised me to be cautious about him when he came to know about the nature of my contact with him and the ‘advanced level’ progress we were having in such a short time. I wish I had taken his advice seriously then but I guess if I had then I wouldn’t have learned what Kim taught me. When I shared my reluctance about our online and long distance communication and asked how its going to work, he showed me another dream of moving to Lahore for me from his native city Karachi. Though, let me accept that it made me felt happy internally and satisfied my sense of worth but still advised him not to make such an important decision just because of me to which he replied that he need a change and has been looking for moving out of Karachi, either for studies or for work. Another fact which makes Kim different was his bisexuality and that seemed to be the only thing at that moment I wasn’t sure to go about. I have a very close friend who is bisexual but she’s a women and I didn’t think that it will be same in the case of a bisexual man. It wasn’t a matter of biphobia but the thing was that I had never been with any bisexual and it seemed like me potentially fighting on two fronts, i.e. both men and women. So, while talking to Kim about it, I started reading stuff about bisexuality in order to know him better. While dreaming about having a future together, I was enjoying all the attention and his frank assertion of ‘being in love’ with me over Facebook. Apart from making me (a person with low self-esteem which I compensate by being sarcastic and at times rude) feel ‘desired’, on one hand this showering of cyber affection was an emancipating experience where we both were claiming the space for the non-heteronormative love while on the other hand while expressing his love, he used to ‘claim’ me in a very hyper masculine manner which sounded chauvinist and highly heteronormative to me and there were moments when I used to feel as if I was a commodity or property been ‘owned’ by some man. Very soon, this very cyber space turned out to be a battle ground for him as he started throwing tantrums to me and others, stalking me and directing me about the what/whom/how of my online communication. Having fights over Facebook comments, likes; seemed a regular normal action for him and I was expected to support him in all his vengeance strikes. And if I failed to succumb to what I supposed to do, I was labeled as being ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unloving’. I soon realized that he was suspicious of my online as well as off line communication with guys. Even he asked me several times to confess about ‘never existing’ sexual/romantic relationship with Boze as we both friends were/are very close to each other. And after my repeated explanations why it just never happened, he would start questioning why not. Moreover, he was obsessed about having me in contact with him around the clock because ‘he loved me,’ and was ‘expressive’ about it. Everything was happening so quickly that I just couldn’t think properly where I was going and what I should do about this. All I knew during those days was more stress with less personal space and I was continuously giving this feedback to myself that ‘He loves me.’ I never realized when this potential ‘janam janam ka sath’ (love for all times) turned emotionally and psychologically abusive. And as if I haven’t enough yet, one day he texted that he came out to his parents and things were really worst between him and his family. He doubted that our communication would be blocked soon and so he wanted me to be with him during that bad phase of his life and I affirmed his confidence in me though I wanted to say, ‘What the fuck’ because just a night before this incident we both talked and explored the consequences of his coming out to his parents and I was agitated why he changed his decision in the morning, without taking me in confidence as it was also related to me. He said that he wanted to come out because of me (though I never asked him to do so) and to formally announce to his parents that he’s not marrying any girl as he had me. In the evening, I got text from his number asking me never to contact Kim again and that was the moment I feared the most. That was too much for me to handle and I freaked out completely and didn’t know what I had done if Boze and Gaia wouldn’t have been there for me. I was worried about his well-being and didn’t know how to go about it. I was sure that being an adult and independent guy, he would be in a better position to cope with it but I was proved wrong when after few days when he contacted me from a different number and told me that his father had beaten up him with a belt and all modes of his communication like cell phone and internet were terminated for few days, he even remained in a ‘house arrest’ for a day or so. On the one hand I was horrified what he has been through and on the other hand I was unable to understand that how could an adult man be so helpless in 21st century. He further blamed me for leaving him in doldrums and didn’t know how to react to it. Latter in the evening, after having the situational analysis, I asked him to re-locate to Lahore secretively as living with his family in Karachi wasn’t plausible for him but he disagreed to it and he told me that he was shopping with his parents and bought them nice goodies and they all happy and pleasant again, and I was like ‘OK’. Another thing I couldn’t understand about him and his parents. Few days later, my fraternal grandmother died and I couldn’t remain in contact with him for few hours and he got another fault in me. At that time I thought that to smoothen up our connection and for the better understanding of each other, I should visit Karachi but he told me that he was unsure of meeting me and I was shocked and felt hurt about it. I don’t know whether it was a deciding point in our connection or my tolerance for taking shit expired and I thought of calling it off but still didn’t want to take initiative. Because I didn’t want to take the responsibility of calling it off, even although I had become a total disaster since the day I came to know him. Finally, one day I was busy with stuff and he got pissed off because I wasn’t replying to him thus he thankfully deleted me from his cyber world and announced the termination of our online connection and relation (if it can be called one). I actually took several sighs of relief but story doesn’t end here and few days later I was informed through a common friend that he attempted suicide which reasserted my belief of not having him in my life because his psychological instability needs professional help, not me. After sometime, he contacted me again and desired to have me back but knowing all our history I declined to do so and that connection even ended up in fight and blame game. At that time, I was happily ready to take all the blame and responsibility but not to have him back in my life. He never contacted me again and neither did I. Now when I look back, I didn’t have any hard feelings or regret about it because that experience helped to learn more about the people and life. It’s much better to remember him as the guy who used to call me late night and make me laugh by acting like a woman or a child over phone.

KARACHI SAGA

It is a long due post as it was supposed to be written shortly after my Karachi trip this August, but somehow I just couldn’t manage to write about this adventure. I don’t know how to put all my experiences in words because I feel out of words to aptly explain what I felt during those few days. Still I am going to try. This post is an apology to all the people of Karachi whom I did hurt repeatedly with my emotional drama and they bore with endless patience. This is also a pledge not to repeat my mistakes as there are lot of other new mistakes waiting for me to be considered. Since my last visit almost a year back, I have been considering of revisiting Karachi for a while but wasn’t sure about it. The month of Ramazan was going on I was spending all my time in reading several books this August. I was severely depressed from quite some time and had no social life at all. But one evening I met Boze who made me realize my follies and issues which left me shaken, like seriously. I never thought that meeting will mark a defining change in my life. After that I started re-evaluating my life, especially my actions during last few months. Therefore, after hitting the bottom, I decided to change and this time for good. So, I thought why not start ‘mending my ways’ from Karachi, the city I never liked and the people I never understood. I took few days off from my work and started a journey to re-learn and re-discover the city and the people with whom I had a connection. I booked a seat with Daewoo Bus service and went out for a 21 hours long journey, almost across the whole country. While commuting, I was wondering what if the people I really want to meet and apologize will deny meeting me? I was so unsure of their reaction because now the tables have turned and I don’t know what this trip will bring on. Phunko was busy during my visit so he apologized for his unavailability while Jadoo, as usual was as welcoming as always to receive me. I was more concerned about Barbie to whom I was definite to meet and to Gollu Mollu about whom I hadn’t decided till then. To my relief when I texted Barbie about my visit he responded affirmatively even after the way I treated him during last one year. To fill you in with the details, for a whole year I was hurting him with my sarcasm and negative attitude, just because he couldn’t meet me during my last visit. He apologized many times but I never listened to his apologies and treated him badly. I used to say hurtful things to him, had fights with him over chat or phone but I never knew that it was also hurting me from inside. I still remember that after every fight I used to whine about over my last visit and looked for reasons to irritate him more and more. I wanted him to leave me but I also wanted him to stay back so that I could use him as an emotional punching bag. I must salute that guy with a mighty heart who bore all my tantrums rather psychological abuse with patience and never let go of me. I must take this opportunity to extend my apologies once again to him for all my behavior and I want him to know that I am so proud of him for being in my life and showing me that patience do have a capacity to win over. DAY 1: Amid the target killings and regular street violence I stepped out of the bus at Karachi terminal in Sohrab Goth, an area known for all the wrong reasons. Coming from Lahore and been a follower of local news channels, Karachi seemed the most dangerous city on the map of Pakistan so the first thing I did was to start scrutinizing everyone around me as a potential street criminal. I left the terminal soon in the shuttle service, and was welcomed by the roadside typical Karachi black/brown shrubs. The shuttle was moving in the city, over flyovers and dropping passengers here and there while I was trying to make out where I was by looking around at the shops, flats and houses but I just couldn’t make any sense because in Karachi you will not find any shop or house with its address. So no one can make sense of the area they are traveling. Meanwhile I saw some shop with the real name of Gollu Mollu and I felt a pang in my heart and at that moment I decided to also text him and request to meet me. For the context, just like Barbie, Gollu Mollu also couldn’t meet me during my last visit and had been treated no different from Barbie. To my surprise, he answered quite excitedly and in affirmation. While traveling to my rest house, I came across a new walk chalking, i.e. “Nara-e-Farooqi-Ya Umar(R.A)”. I had never seen this slogan before in my life and started wondering about its political significance and sectarian. After I checked in, I texted Barbie about my arrival and got ready for my late afternoon lunch with him. I was excited as well as anxious about this meeting. The Forum mall was on a 4 minutes’ walk from my rest house and we decided to meet there. I reached earlier and he joined shortly after my arrival. We hugged each other and first thing I noticed about him was his smile, his understandable awkwardness and his Urdu. We went inside, looked around, bought books and landed up in the food court and placed our order. After general causal talk, we started talking about queer politics, an area where we disagree with each other a lot and I thought, “Shit! I shouldn’t start off with this issue as it will ruin my purpose of meeting him.” Thanks to a phone call which rescued us and our conversation took another casual direction afterwards. After the meal we decided to go some open space and finally ended up Farrer Hall. I had heard a lot about the place as it’s allegedly a place for gay meet ups, hook ups and dating. It was a Saturday evening and I thought of witnessing all this exciting stuff with my own eyes. We got into a rickshaw and had our first photo-shoot together, which was fun. When we reached there, I noticed a park without any boundary wall and populated with countless heterosexual couples of different sizes and shapes with their whining children. All my excitement vanished always like a day dream so thought to spice up the park. There I had my notorious and attention seeking photo-shoot which gained instant attention, glares and gossips. Then we bought our favorite Orange ice lollies, and I trained Barbie about blowjob by licking and sucking that lolly. After all this fun stuff, we sat down on a bench, under a big tree and had our long due heart to heart talk. I apologized from Barbie who proved to be a genuine friend throughout the abused year of our friendship. I admire him, respect him and love him for his patience, maturity and understanding. The feeling of serenity, relief and understanding were almost spiritual at that time and never wanted to end it but we both have other plans so we bid farewell to each other for the day after making plans for tomorrow. I met Jadoo for the Dinner at Café Koel where I had the most amazing Limo panni of my life, though food was average but ambiance was nice. Jadoo was as welcoming and comforting as always. And at times I really wonder at the rare species of human beings he belong to. We talked about our lives, our work and my visit plans. He brought a book for me entitled ‘Forty Rules of Love’ by Elif Sahafak which he has been recommending me from a long time. By the title I thought it to be some stupid teenage romance but Jadoo insisted that it was different from what I assumed it to be. When I read the synopsis on the back of its cover, I found out that the book was all about the relationship between Rumi and Shams which wasn’t exciting enough for me. Because I never liked Rumi or his poetry and I still remember bunking my most favorite classes of Classics of World Literature course when we were reading Rumi. And now after so many years, once again Rumi was in front of me and I didn’t know how to react, other than thanking Jadoo for bringing that book. But now after reading that book, I must say that it is one of the very few books who have inspired me. I will soon write about a detailed post on the books which have inspired me. DAY 2: I had planned a Lunch with Gollu Mollu and was thinking whether he will be able to make it this time or not. What if he would back out this time again? Whatever was going to happen, I have decided to remain positive and understanding instead of bringing a storm in the cocktail. Interestingly, he wasn’t aware of the directions of his native city and I had to guide him with the limited knowledge I had of my where about, as he was driving to my side of town. I came on main road for his convenience and also praying not to be mugged. To be on the safer side, I wasn’t using my cellphone and I was wearing six pocket pants with money in every pocket. I was standing near the underpass when I saw his car approaching and while coming towards me he almost crashed into another car. I froze for a brief moment with the fear but fortunately nothing bad happened. He rushed out of the car and gave me a ceremonial hug while I was asking him commenting over his stunt. We both got in car and then he started laughing, non-stop till we reached Olivetto. Food was really nice there and we had a heart to heart talk about our past, our experiences and how we are going to move on with our friendship. I was happy to see him, humbled that he was able to make it this time and satisfied to have him back as a friend in my life. Then he took me to the other part of town, treated me with fruit cocktail at Hydri and then we reached to Barbie’s place who was in an awkwardly bad mood. After scolding poor Gollu Mollu and hearing me surprised he came back to his usual fun self and from there onwards we three had a blast in car; clicked fun pictures; gossiped about people; and had a complete gay drama, whose leading actor was obviously me. Gollu Mollu had to leave so he dropped us at Zainab Market where Barbie got me few jeans on special Lahori discount. Then Barbie got a quick lunch and tickets a movie for tomorrow and we went to Farrer Hall again and had our Orange ice lollies, photo-shoot, unfruitful poondi and bought few books. I was surprised to notice that Farrer Hall is also called Bagh-e-Jinnah, just like we call Lawrence Gardens in Lahore and interestingly both Baghs are notorious for gay dating and hook ups. From there we started walking towards Zainab Market though I was reluctant initially as I thought that roads of Karachi were not safe after dusk, courtesy: our news channels. Barbie laughed a lot over it which made me feel stupid. There I saw a really interesting new thing, ‘Call a rick’ a door to door pick and drop rickshaw service with headphones to listen music while commuting. We reached Zainab Market safely and had a street push cart limo pani with rooh afza. This marked the end of another exciting day in Karachi. DAY 3: Had yummy chicken cheese parathas in breakfast at Boat basin with a very energetic and talkative guy I came to know through Facebook. While had lunch with an introvert and young guy also from Facebook. Although getting into rickshaw and reaching Atrium for lunch also involves a story where the driver had flirted with me like anything, especially after knowing that I was from Lahore. He offered to take me to Hawkes Bay and show me the sea and when he dropped me, opposite of Atrium, he candidly asked if I need him to escort me across the road as it’s a big city and he didn’t want me to get afraid of traffic, to which I replied, “Lahore main bhi kaafi traffic hoti hai, magar Lahore walay itnay tharki nae hotay.” (Lahore also has huge traffic but they aren’t flirtatious like you). Barbie joined me there after I waited for him like ages. We had quick coffee session and just banged into the cinema for the movie. Movie was OK but I enjoyed Barbie’s company. After that we had dinner at Pizza Hut and again talked about our lives and future plans. I reached back at my guest house with a severe headache. I took pills and tried to sleep while my friends were calling or texting me to wish me on my birthday. This birthday was really special to me as I was turning 28 on 28 and somehow I felt it’s important. Messages from Boze and Agony gave me enough courage to ask for apologies for my ill treatment and extremely bad behavior. Later that night I met another guy from Facebook who was so kind enough to see me over a cup of tea at Boat basin. DAY 4: I had plans to have an exclusive birthday party at some fancy sea side restaurant and some cake cutting ceremony but unfortunately Barbie and Gollu Mollu got some emergency and couldn’t make up for my birthday get together. I felt bad about these sudden emergencies but I said to myself that it’s OK. So, it was just me and Jadoo for my birthday Dinner where we treated ourselves with at BOTS and I had a yummy meal full of sea food along with equally refreshing and tasty blueberry cocktail. After that we went to Café Blue Ginger to have the yummiest Potato and Leek soup and with no space left in our bellies for cake, we head back to our places. I bid farewell to Jadoo as I was leaving in the morning. Next day I left for Lahore with a peace of mind and satisfied heart. This trip provided me with an opportunity to give myself a chance to unburden myself from the bitter emotional baggage of fights, misunderstanding and grudges I was carrying from a long time. And last but not the least; I stopped negatively stereotyping Karachi and Karachities which is not just an impression but a lifelong learning experience.

JADOO ZINDABAD!!!

I had several mutual friends with Jadoo at Facebook form a long period of time but we never really added each other. I didn't know him much but all I can sense from his statues or comments posted here and there at Facebook told me that he's a very respectful human with liberal and secular approach towards life. He will never rub his religiosity into people's face while having a discussion and will always draws analogy from humanism. Whenever, there will be any incident of discrimination or violence, against any one, from any one, he will always be there, unapologetically voicing his thoughts against it.

Though that wasn't enough to impress me because I know and have seen many online activists who talk and talk, accuse every one under the sun and will use all the possible 'shoulds' in the world just to show how much they care for issues and people, but sadly only online. Because when it's about getting together and working for it, they will have some personal commitment or professional liability to fulfill but will promise to come back with unlimited zeal, once again only online.

So, I thought he's one from that bunch of 'online activists,' but I was mistaken. As we become friends online, I came to know that's it's not like that. Being raised in a conservative and traditional family, and the way he has taken a shift from the tradition perspective calls for an everyday battle. He haven't told me so but I am assuming that his family might have been giving him a tough time, because that's what happened with me and it's still going own.

In Pakistan, people with secular and humanist mind set have to start waging battles from their own homes before going out and speak what is right at human level, instead of following any religious, cultural or social standards.
The way he denied to sign the document for his passport renewal, which was declaring Ahmedi community non-Muslims and the arguments he had with a renowned bookstore of Pakistan to remove anti-Ahmedi community books from their shelves is pretty amazing.
So, having such a strong and humanist ideological approach, we really get along with each other. Moreover, having an actually mature and sophisticated taste in music and art, made him even a more appropriate person to hangout with.

Another thing which I want to mention is that he neither tried to convert or discriminate me when I came out to him. The respect and the impeccable understanding he bestowed upon me was beyond my expectation. Though he was curious about the dynamics of gay sub-culture, and I instantly gave him a crash course in it as well as in Punjabi language and turned every stone up to ruin his sophisticated Urdu, which I was unable to do so far, but as they say, you never know.

So, I have been looking forward to meet him on my Karachi visit but when most of my so called 'friends' got issues and denied to see me, I started thinking that now he wouldn't be meeting me also. I was wondering that my own community members denied to see me than how can he would be comfortable in meeting me. And I mentioned that to him but he didn’t change his mind. I even tried to explain that I am out to many people and a LGBTQI activist who might earn him a bad name, so he should consider about his repute but he gave me shut up call and planned to meet me.

We met at dinner time and first thing I noticed was that he looked much younger than his profile photo and then I hugged him. He was wearing a black polo t-shirt and blue jeans and I asked him, "Do you know what you are wearing?"
And he replied in his dignified typical Karachi style Urdu, "Matlub"?
"I have heard that there's a gay group in Karachi meeting regularly at Farrer Hall and when one is going there first time, he has to wear black t-shirt and blue jeans as a dress code."

And I started laughing and poor Jaddo joined me with his embarrassed laughs.
We went to a fancy restaurant at Zamzama Boulevard. It was a tiny yet comfortable restaurant and we started off with a potato soup. I never liked soups but he insisted and I thinking of trying some Karachi stuff complied and amazingly I found that potato soup really yummy. After that I asked him to order something having rice and white sauce in it. It has always been very hard for me to order anything, so every time I go out to eat something, my friends order for me, after I tell them what I want in general, like rice, chicken, pasta, etc. It was a yummy food indeed. Really yummy. We talked about our mutual friends at Facebook, about life, activism and life in general. I also registered my protest to him that since my arrival at Karachi, I hadn't seen any handsome guy which is highly objectionable. To which he started laughing and said, "Acha! aisa hai."

Then we went for dessert and I ordered a cone of some weird flavor, which I have never had in Lahore before. Then we roamed around here a there while talking and talking and he dropped me at my rest house. He also gave a wonderful book along with a magazine I asked him once and I was so much amazed about that. I never mentioned that magazine again to him and it wasn't on my mind when I reached Karachi, even when I was going to meet him, but he was so thoughtful that he brought it anyway. It was a really nice hangout which rejuvenated me out of all my day long, tiring work.
Next day, we once gain met and this time we went for a desi food and had some yummy chicken gravy at Boat Basin, while sitting on traditional takhts. It was Sindh's culture day as well and people were celebrating it on the road, while dancing on Sindhi tunes, in ajjraks. It was nice to see all this cultural exhibitionism while having food. It was also a really nice hang out yet again.

Jadoo's hospitality, respect and understanding are worth mentioning. My trip to Karachi wouldn't have been so much fun without him. And it's also an honor to meet an individual of such a pure heart and transparent personality who is though grounded in his culture and traditions yet so much reasonable and humane in his approach that one keeps on wondering how he got that balance. His tolerance and forbearance are the most shinning characteristics of his personality I wish that if we can have many more people like Jadoo, then Pakistan will become a progressive and tolerant society, which willn't marginalize any Christian, Shiite or Ahmadi Muslim, under privileged class or queer. A big hug for Jadoo.

Photo Courtesy: Google

PHUNKO ZINDABAD!!!

I came to know of Phunk Factor (Phunko) when he started commenting on my articles in Chay magazine, several moons back. He seemed to have a rational and secular approach towards the issues which other people might interpret in a religiously orthodox manner. So, after sometime, out of nowhere, I thought of looking up for him on Facebook and send him in a friend request. While searching him, I realized that he's actively writing blogs, which was a pleasant surprise. I still remember when I found out about his blogs very first time, I remained glued to my PC and by the end of almost two hours, I had read most of his romantic encounters and experiences and I was like 'Wow'. I could never imagine that anyone can actually write so openly about gay politics and subjective romantic/sexual experiences in such an open and blatant way, without any scruples. Reading his posts made me a bit embarrassed as well as excited at the same time. I was behaving like those self proclaimed morally righteous bitches who love to gossip but while chanting 'tauba tauba' at the same time.

After he accepted my friend request, we started talking, texting, emailing and tagging each other in various links at Facebook. Adding him also earned me a plethora of individuals at Facebook who wanted to be 'friends' with me. But that's another story, which I post some other day. Initially when I started talking to him, I was kind of skeptic about him because of two reasons. One, he was younger than me and in my experience, younger gay guys with somewhat LGBTQI awareness acts too immature when it’s about activism in Pakistan. Two, he was so much Burger that I thought I wouldn’t be able to relate to him in any way. He talks in English most of the time, and that’s also with an accent and I just can't bear so much English. I am desi guy who uses English out of necessity but in spite of these two reservations, I continued to be in contact with him and slowly and gradually I discovered the real Phunko who's so simple and pure of heart. Moreover, now as I look back and try to make sense out of our friendship then I think that apart from other reasons and rationales, it was GLEE also which help us to bond with each other.

Though we did have few differences but through our maturity, mutual respect and value for each other, we went through difficult times. I guess every relation has to go through this process, which actually testifies the credibility and durability of the relationship. We were two different people with two different cities and cultures in different fields but writing for same cause, LGBTQI community and that conquered all. The guy who used to be a gentleman started calling me "Didi, Baaji and Khusri" and other G-talk terms (call it Gay talk, it's an informal desi slang kinda sexually explicit and fun oriented style and mannerism apart from being a language). He was opening up to new ideas imported from Lahore and I was making myself at ease to write about my intimate encounters, as openly and honestly like Phunko. He was an inspiration in that regard.

Phunko always make me feel energize and happy and fortunately without any Khusri Drama (gay melodrama). Unlike majority of the gay men, he didn't have any emotional or psychological hiccups; any leftover (ex) in his mind, low self esteem issues or delusions of grandiose, he seemed quite grounded and comfortable in his skin for being what he is. And that's make him even more hooottttt. We had always wanted to meet each other and after more than a year I got this opportunity to visit Karachi, his hometown, to meet my online brother, friend and inspiration.

He was hell busy with a lot of things going on in his personal and professional life and I had few days with a lot of work to do as well. But still we reassured each other of meeting one another and as he put it, "It will a benchmark in the history, Hadi Hussain LGBTQI activist and blogger is meeting equally genius blogger Phunk Factor, Lahore meeting Karachi." I laughed at the way he put that thing into words but actually on a serious note, it was like that. Though I did have the fear that like many other Karachities, he might just ditch me in the end but he met me in real.
Despite time constraints and professional liabilities, we both managed to meet each other, once, for lunch. I have always objected at Phunko for meeting up guys in malls and paradoxically we both ended up meeting in a mall. As I got out of rickshaw in front of the mall, I saw a cute little guy waving his hand with a big smile. Though I had seen him virtually, but still the experience to see him very first time in real life was so much exciting. After showing off my khusri walk across the road I wen to the Phunko the hero, who was wearing a blue superman tee-shirt. We hugged each other and then tucked into the mall after letting guards put their dirty hands on us (for security reasons you know, off course you know we are sex bombshells).

Now if you ask me how he was, then I will straight (though it's really hard for me to be but still) away say that he was simply adorable. There was a certain innocence wrapped in wit which made him an outstanding guy. We went through all the floors of the mall, while chatting and posing in front of movie flexes and posters. Worth mentioning photo was in front of the poster of Desi Boys (Bollywood movie) in which I tried to kiss semi nude John Abraham. After cruising around on not so hot guys (I told Phunko that I haven’t encountered a single hot guy in his city, and that's a shame) we decided to have a meal, thus we ordered stuff and once again sharing mouth watering gossips, along with heart to heart emotional stuff.

After the food, we ordered some dessert suggested by Phunko and it was really awesome. I don't know it was chocolate rush of the dessert that I started singing "Oh la la, tu hai meri fantasy" along with all the "ahhh ahhh" (rather adding few more ahhhhhs at different places as well) and Phunko was like "stop it bitch" as it was obviously audible to the people around us. Though he thoroughly enjoyed it and asked me to mail him a recording of the song in my own voice. We talked about our friend Aaron Khan and decided to make him jealous of the blast we both had together.

Although I so much wanted to spend some more time with Phunko but I had to run back to my work so I resigned and hugged my adorable little friend and got on a rickshaw. I was really happy and satisfied after meeting Phunko which made me think that at least some Karachities are real and who didn’t try to pretend someone else. He made me believe in him as well as in the goodness of real people and I'll always cherish that feeling. The comfort level we used to have online or at phone was there and without any reservation we were communicating. It wasn't as if I was meeting some alien who I was hardly aware of. I suppose we were never masked since our very first interaction and that's the reason we really got along well with each other.
Thanks Phunko for being who you are, and for the respect and love you have showed towards me, especially when others were having a cow. Bear hugs for you.

Photo Courtesy: Phunk Factor

Karachi and its Disasters

Last weekend I was in Karachi and it was a memorable experience in many aspects. What started off as a professional research based trip turned out to be quite surprising and full of insight in personal sphere as well. Apart from my work, I was so much excited and looking forward to meet all my Facebook friends in Karachi who were desperately waiting to hang out with me. Before starting off with the actual events and the friendliness of my friends in question, let me tell you that I have never been attracted to Karachi, the city. All I know about Karachi is that it’s a city full of street crimes and every day is like a battle field where survival is difficult. Other than that, this city inhibits few of my intimate partners and we broke up in nasty manner. Then there's a guy, the only guy in the entire world, I hate unconditionally, is also a Karachite. Therefore I didn't have any reason to like Karachi apart from my online friends.
In this post I am going to write about the negative experiences with Karachi Facebook friends. The real drama with these friends started as soon as I announced my trip to them.


CASE1: A guy who used to count me as his very close and dear friend, who has asked about me and my life, contact information and all that, with whom I have talked and chatted for hours and hours, who had planned to send a birthday gift to me since August, and who has always insisted me to visit Karachi as soon as possible asked me, just a few days before my visit, "Can I trust you.?" And I was like, "Ask your heart." To which he texted, "But my heart does make mistakes at times, that's why I am asking you." I replied, "I don't know, it's your decision." No further exchange of texts on this issue, though we texted each other few times after that in which once I told him that I 'llnt see him.
He didn't contact me during my visit to Karachi and neither did I. So, that's the end of an apparently beautiful and bosom online friendship (pun intended). I was really hurt when he posed that question; I mean I can understand that he a closet shit hole who has billions of issues but then why the fuck he was always so pressing on meeting and all that?


CASE 2: I know this guy from almost a year and he's very much dear and close to my heart because I can see a younger Hadi Hussain in him. His on-going conflict between his sexual orientation and religious affiliation reminds me of my struggle with the same issues when I was of his age. We both confided in each other and really think that we are really good friends. Though I have issues and strong prejudice about him for being an Aquarian (sorry but my bitter life experiences have made me so) but still I couldn't leave him alone in his struggle, (the humane bitch inside me). Before this visit, I had plans to visit Karachi but it was never materialized. At that time, he clearly refused to see or meet me because he is also a closet shit hole and don't even want to see another queer, (he's extremely closet at facebook as well, though I was privileged to have his contact information and to see his pics, which I never asked for by the way). I was really taken aback at that time and the residual feeling was still there, so I planned to give him a surprise this time. I told him that I 'llnt meet him because of his reaction last time. (By the way his gift was also scheduled in the August, which I haven't received yet). So, I started this pretense but as I reached Karachi, I called him daily several times, in order to check whether he's at his place or at work and most of the times he ignored me calls or texts and at others sounded so grumpy that I never told him that I really wanted to see him. But on my last day in Karachi, I called him up and straight forwardly asked him to see me to which his reaction was "rehnay do ab". Latter he texted and showed interested in meeting up. We fixed a spot and I took a rickshaw (three wheeler ride) and went off but on my way he texted me saying that he's having panic attacks, palpitations and all that and couldn't meet me. And I was left with "Ok Tc". It wasn't in my wildest nightmare that I would receive that kind of treatment from him.


CASE 3: This guy I presumed as queer but told me otherwise, has been quite a mental fuck. He used to talk and debate over issues of social and political importance and of queer politics and all that. He was also determined to take me to show his hospitality and his city but before my arrival at Karachi, I realized that he's extremely homophobic and ready to wage war against every queer in Pakistan, though his profile has hundreds of queers, even those 'ready to squeeze your tool' kind of sleazy guys who I can never add to my profile, even being a gay myself; with whom I have a number of only queer mutual friends; and who's so much anonymous at his facebook profile that he never posted any face pic of himself (internalized homophobia!!!)So I decided not to contact him myself during my visit and he also didn’t bother to do so. Well I wonder how can a person like him can confide in a filthy sinful obnoxious gay guy is still a mystery yet to be solved.

Analysis and Profiling:
• All three of them use Khan at the end of their pseudonyms.
• All three of them are religiously conservatives (rather bigots).
• All three of them are perpetrators of homophobic.
• All three of them avoid confrontations and debates.
• All three of them display very good and generous nature, though which proved to be otherwise.
• All three of them are closet shit holes.
• They can aptly be called "Real Housewives of Karachi" after taking in account of their manipulative and cunning nature.


Photo Courtesy: Peter Kas

US embassy’s pride celebrations in Islamabad: More damage than support

In accordance with the US President Barack Obama’s May 31, 2011 GLBT Pride Proclamation that, “we rededicate ourselves to the pursuit of equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity,” US Ambassador for Pakistan, Richard Hoagland and members of Gays and Lesbians in Foreign Affairs Agencies (GLIFAA) hosted an event declared as ‘Islamabad’s first ever Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Pride Celebration’ on June 26, 2011 in the Federal Capital of Islamic Republic of Pakistan. This high profile event was reportedly attended by 75 people including Mission Officers, U.S. military representatives, foreign diplomats, and leaders of Pakistani LGBT advocacy groups who showed their “support for human rights, including LGBT rights in Pakistan at a time when those rights are increasingly under attack from extremist elements throughout Pakistani society”.

Unthankfully, all the sensational and flowery claptrap peddled around this event turned out to be a disaster for the budding underground Pakistani LGBT movement as the US Embassy conveniently oversaw the repercussions this event would have brought in an already critical country which is fighting against terrorism and radicalization while sacrificing its peace, its liberty, its sovereignty and countless lives of its law enforcement agencies and civilians alike.


Ambassador Richard E. Hoagland greets guests at GLBT Pride celebration on June 26, 2011. Photo via islamabad.usembassy.gov. The US embassy posted a statement on its website saying: "This gathering demonstrated continued U.S. Embassy support for human rights, including LGBT rights, in Pakistan at a time when those rights are increasingly under attack from extremist elements throughout Pakistani society.
Within a few days, the streets of major urban cities of Pakistan namely Islamabad, Karachi and Lahore were hailed with the students and political workers of Jamaat-e-Islami, a religious political party, chanting slogans at their highest pitches against homosexuals and America. For them it was a golden opportunity to kill both ‘the evils with a single stone’. Banners were displayed in major cities, especially in the federal capital, within a few days demanding persecution of gays and accusing Americans of propagating and imposing this ‘westernized’ idea. The lash back didn’t remain limited to the Jamaat-e-Islami only but sooner most of the political parties joined this bandwagon to form a coalition against the government for their menial political interests.

On the other hand, the Pakistani media, especially the local Urdu newspapers and channels dealt with the issue with their usual approach i.e. lacking all the required sensitivity and knowledge to handle this crucial issue. Their sole concern was to raise their TRP’s and circulations and that’s all. Although a few liberal and sensible voices were raised through articles by Nuwas Manto, Hashim bin Rasheed, Marvi Sirmed and Mohsin Sayeed but most of these were published in English dailies or in their online o-peds and blog sections while leaving a huge void for majority Urdu readers. There was a dire need to represent a sensitive and sensible portrayal of the issue in the Urdu media to counter the venomous articles and hate speeches by Orya Maqbool Jaan, Aamir Liaquat and Ibtisam Elahi Zaheer, who not only openly condemned homosexuals but also denounced them as sinful, non-Muslims, lesser than human beings and demanded capital punishment for them with full zeal.

Meanwhile, our media circulated and aired all this hate speech while completely overlooking its ethical and social responsibilities. I guess it’s high time that our mushrooming news channels and newspapers start differentiating between free speech and hate speech because without it, they are only damaging the fabric of an already complex and fragile society.

This unnecessary brouhaha by our sensational media started not only an untimely debate in our society but also in our households. I had never heard my mother, an ardent Urdu daily follower, having any strong stance against anyone, say it a murder, a rapist or a dacoit but one day she said, “All homosexuals should be stoned to death.”

Being a gay, living in Pakistan, from a traditional Muslim family background, it was already an ordeal to be myself but after this US Embassy triggered media frenzy things have turned even worse. The people I am out to, are now looking at me with a different perspective. They either consider me an undercover CIA agent with hidden agenda to ‘westernize’ the cultural values of Pakistan or look as if declaring that when the rogue mullahs will come and deliver me from my deadly sins, they will religiously mind their own business. This isn’t solely my own story but of several completely out or partially out queers in Pakistan. On the other hand one can imagine the suffering and tension of all those unheard, closeted voices, which were already afraid of coming out and pretending to be ‘normal’. The level of concern and uneasiness resulted from this highly inefficient and implausible event has made them even more vulnerable at the hands of the society, which is always ready to prosecute anyone different.

Surprisingly, it has also been reported that US embassy which claimed to “support LGBT rights in Pakistan” isn’t going to entertain LGBT Pakistanis for asylum. It’s as if that after starting a storm in the cocktail, they are also having an easy way out.

After talking to several local LGBT activists I have gathered two main stances regarding this whole fiasco and the future of Pakistani LGBT movement. A very small number of activists suggested that this event should be considered as a golden opportunity to come out formally and launch a full blown LGBT movement in Pakistan, after we had missed a similar opportunity in 2007 at the time of Shazina-Shumile case. On the other hand, the majority of the activists opined that it’s very sensitive and crucial time to come out and it’s better to remain underground for the survival of this movement. Change can be brought slowly and gradually, in safe and calculated ways. The recent incident where a young LGBT activist Falak Ali of Neegar Society was severely beaten up by the mullahs in the streets of Multan, a southern Punjab city, in the presence of police is just an example of the reaction of the public about this whole issue.

Still, Pakistani LGBT activists are hopeful and determined about the future of LGBT movement in Pakistan and they strongly believe that whenever there’s going to be any LGBT movement in Pakistan, it will be most definitely by Pakistani people for Pakistani people. No one else can decide or force the time for what and when we need to emancipate ourselves from the restrictions of the heterosexist society. We can have allies and support from other international organizations but the primary reinforces and stakeholders will be ourselves. Let’s hope for the times when Pakistani LGBT movement will be in full swing and our government will start accepting the existence of Pakistani LGBT.

(The Article was published in the July-August, 2011 issue of Gaylaxy magazine.)
Photo Courtesy: Google

Dear Maddy

Dear Maddy

You have no idea how much excited I was to meet you. For the very first time, I was going to see you in flesh and blood, and anticipating a more tangible association, which used to be a virtual connection several moons back. I was hell curious to see and know the guy with whom I had a four month virtual romance. I had several plans in my mind to make our day memorable, many things to talk about, many jokes to crack, many places to visit, many meals to eat, but as I came out of cab and you welcomed me formally without a smile, I thought I didn’t know you.
It seemed as if somebody else had disguised himself to be you. From there onwards, it was a journey of unsaid discomfort which was evident from every movement of your body. And I was going through it and I knew you were also living it and I was thinking why you came to see me? Was it a courtesy gesture, some vow you had taken or just a wrong decision you made in fit of a moment? Let me tell you that, seeing you in discomfort was making me feel guilty as if I had forced you to see me at gun point.
You were wearing blue, blue’s my favourite. Did you still remember that? I looked into your eyes while we were having cold coffee and there was everything except recognition. Did you know, you checked your cell 37 times precisely in our 2.5 hours long meeting? Did you know how many times I checked mine? Not for a single time. You were so aloof, so lost, so far away from me then that I was getting embarrassed. I had thought that we both had grown up since the break up and all the sour experiences and emotional damages have already been claimed and sorted out so for once in life, we could meet each other as nice friends. But you were not in the right state of mind to cherish all those happy memories of our virtual romantic past.
I wasn’t happy when you left me at the door step of that Sea View KFC all by myself as you had some stuff to do. I wanted to say, “Maddy! Look at me, this me Hadi, the same Hadi you used to love and wanted to meet so badly. For whom you were ready to die. I am the same Hadi man, just look at me for once. Don’t I count anymore? Doesn’t the twinkle of my eyes fascinate you any longer? Why, my million dollar smile, which used to get your attention easily, is unable to convince you to look at me, today?”
But I remained silent. I was feeling bottled up like a fizzy drink of confused emotions, potentially lamenting over the stale love once existed between us. For once in my life, I wanted to be all crying and wailing. I wanted to slap you, to curse you, to cry my heart out over what we had made out of our lives. I wanted to create brouhaha about all those unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished desires I had envisioned for us but couldn’t materialise.
Maddy! The fact of the matter is that I can live being unloved but I can’t survive being unwanted and you made me feel so that day when we met for the first time. You have no idea how hard it is to act like a stranger with someone you have been very close with. It reminds me of a poem by Faiz Ahmed Faiz which he wrote about his visit to Dhaka after the separation of East Pakistan. “Hum kay theray ajnabi, itni madaratoun kay baad, Phir banain gay aashna kitni mulaqataun kay baad…”

Regards
Hadi Hussain

Image Courtesy: Alex Bruda

Maddy-Hadi Saga

It was September of the same Fari year, after Arsi left Pakistan, I heard of a gay social network website called Manjam. My folks mentioned really interesting facts about it, how individual manipulate others, how much people lie, how hilarious people can be and above all, how desperate they can be. So, I thought of writing an article over it and being a true social researcher I made an account at Manjam. Oh my Lord! So many seemingly hot and nude men, which I learned latter were either some less popular models or photoshoped cases. But this make me realized one thing that gay men really put a lot of importance to good looks and I latter realized it when i started reading the profiles of people. Khair, I will write some other day about folks at Manjam but right now I am going to start my post about Maddy. It was during those research days when I met Maddy online at Manjam. Among all flooding superficial, into quick shag guys, he was different. First of all his profile was full of details regarding ABOUT ME. He messaged me and said, “I am jumping in excitement after reading your profile. It was interesting to actually come across someone whose profile has actually some write up instead of ASK ME everywhere”. And I was like “Well thanks for your comments.” I also read his profile and mailed him detailed comments. And then it all started. We exchanged email addresses and cell numbers and one day out of nowhere he called me up. And then after brief introductions, aspirations and aims in life, he said, “I want to officially ask you out for a date, though I am far away from you but I seriously want to take you out for a lunch someday”.
“Well thanks, I would love to go”.
“You got really nice voice by the way”.
“Thanks.”
I may be appearing such a dull guy after these dialogues and I accept it. I don’t give many compliments and when it’s about receiving compliments, well I suck really bad time. Most of the times I think other person is buttering me or making fun of me or lying and he/she doesn’t mean it. Though I am do love receiving compliments from friends and family because they rarely compliment me. But in general I don’t take people seriously, especially who are appreciating me. But I liked him saying all that. It was a strange kind of elated feeling which used to bring a big smile on my face.
He was living more than 800 Km away from me and slowly and gradually as we started talking to each other more and more, sharing all the things starting from Good morning to good night messages to having sex through sms and chats, things started getting complicated. Our expectations and demands started to show differences. For me he was an immature, severely depressed guy who is too stubborn to change and let go things. I was a mature authoritative, control freak who’s so impulsive that he couldn’t talk to me something good. We started having fights more regularly after first two months of our online connection. I desperately wanted to see him but he was would always say that he would come first to Lahore to see me and that wasn’t possible in the near future.
I had told him about Arsi and he told me that it’s his immense pleasure and luck to know a person like me, even if I weren’t going to love him, he would still want to be in contact with me. I was emotional involved with Maddy instead of Arsi and that was the truth. I knew that fact as I was having emotional connection with Maddy not with Arsi. I was so clear about that.
My writing abilities, my psychologist status, my activism and my handsomeness, especially my eyes were a complete turn on for him. He used to appreciate me for all these characteristics. I don’t know why he never talked about the reservations he had with me, the things he disliked about me. I was always protective about him and he took it to be as controlling, dominating and bad. Although my intentions were never so. And after almost a year after our breakup he kind of told me about the problems he had with me. Even Booze told me latter as he became friends with him.
What I liked about him, hmmmmm, he was really cute. I liked the way he used to say and text me, “My janu, my Hadi.” I still remember the first time he said so, I got tears in my eyes. He was Syed which was like a dream come true as I always used to idealize having a relation with some Syed due to its religious/spiritual significance in my mind. And there he was a gaddi nasheen (heir of a sufi/religious order) with followers in his native village.
Constant day to day life pressures, missing someone at one’s side, long distance, lack of frequency matching, immaturity of both of us, and constant rows and disagreements finally resulted up in a break up. We departed at a very casual stupid reason and I never thought so it was coming but then he wrote an email and deleted me from Facebook, from Gmail, from his cell and from his life. And I was like, okay it do happens Hadi, though I was in deep pain. I knew we were fighting but never once I thought of breaking up but I guess he had thought about it. I didn’t stop him or tried to contact him again till a year later when I got his number from Boze and I texted him and apologized for the bad things happened between us. And since then it’s also going to be a year now, we are on good terms. We talk more maturely and without any reservations. And it’s going good. I still remember that bhe used to say that he would die without me and I always used to reply him back, “Nae tum nae marro gay. Koi kisi kay liye nae marta.” (You willn’t die. No one dies for anyone.)
I met him 1.5 years after our break up and it was a disappointment because he wasn’t comfortable in meeting me. And it was evident from his body language and that made me feel guilty as if once again I had pressurized him to see me. We did talk about it later and he told me he wasn’t feeling well emotionally and psychologically that day. And I tried to understand.
I still cherish the e-time spend with him, the hours and hours of chatting and late night calls and super late night text messages. But life has to move on and we both have moved on, for good. I wish all the very best to him.

Image Courtesy: Danka K

Arsi-Hadi Finale

After that Suhag raat, Arsi left Pakistan for 6 months but remained in contact through calls and emails. Slowly and gradually our few mutual friends were sniffing something going on between us and we both were ok with that. One day, I got a call from him in which he was crying and on asking the reason, he told me that he has slept with a guy and was feeling guilty about it. It was almost two months after his departure. But I was ok with it and I said, “That’s what I told you will happen. It’s ok.”
“Are you angry at me.”
“No I am not because I can understand your loneliness and moment of despair. So, it’s ok don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter much to me.”
“Why it doesn’t matter to you.”
“Because I am a practical guy. I know about the realities and pressures one has to go through in this life and so chances of getting astray are higher.”
“Hmmmm…. Thanks for not making an issue out of it.”
“Cheers.”
But I knew internally that if I have been in love with him, my reaction would have been ballistic because I am one nerdy possessive guy of this time.
After six months he came back and I received him at the airport. We stayed together for the whole night and he jumped at me literally. And I wasn’t enjoying the stuff going on. In the morning when he got up and said, “Why don’t you go to a gym and lose some weight. I want people to look at my boyfriend and say, WOW what a guy.”
I was directly looking in to his face with sheer seriousness and getting the idea he covered that up with a stupid smile and a kiss and said, “Magar app to humain aisay bhi achay lagtay hain.” (But still I like you the way you are.)
I didn’t reply him and got out of bed and realised I didn’t love him and neither did he. For him I was just a contested prize he wanted to show off to the world. “Look! I got him, I screw him, I fuck him, I own him.”
I never let my parents to objectify me then how dare this filthy ugly hairy crap existing on the face of this earth is saying me so. I realised that I never loved him and I didn’t even want to try. And I couldn’t do sex with him because I can’t do sex with the person I don’t like. I liked him that night in his city but now the spell is over. Don’t think that he said few things one day and I decided otherwise. He has been asking me for penetrative sex, for losing weight, for getting me all over and controlling me and I have been letting things go. But after meeting him and having unpleasant sex with him, all of the things bothering me from the last six months made me finally decide what I wanted. So, end of the story.
P.S. He reportedly brought some fancy gifts which I never got because things weren’t well between us.
He has been doing sex randomly abroad.
And while doing a research at Manjam I was getting emotionally involved in someone during Arsi’s absence. And now I am gonna write about him.

(Image Courtesy: D. Sharon Pruitt)

Arsi-Hadi I

I met Fari for the last time in June and by the end of July I met Arsi through a mutual friend. He wasn’t a good looking guy but somehow he was raw, from his heavily hairy chest to his wheatish complexion, to his square jaw to the yummy stubble, he seemed to be a wild beast in bed (I expected so) and that’s what I liked about him. After Fari, I was so much busy in my professional life and my activism that I didn’t get that emotional went out period, no hibernation or depression phase been observed, just a few days of low mood and then life took it’s pace.
During our first meet up, he got inspired by me (that’s what he said to his friends) by the way I have sorted out my queerness and the way I was comfortable in my skin. My activism, my writings, my fair complexion, was big turn on for him. By profession, he was an engineer, just like Fari and he was leaving Pakistan in a month or so when I met him very first time.
After the first meet up, we met twice with our mutual friends and both times I was the focus of his attention and I was enjoying that, the way he was looking at me, it was making me feel so yummy. He even joked about getting into a relationship for the few weeks he was left with and I was all laughing and flirting.
In one of those meetings, he asked me to join him for a farewell party his best buddy was throwing up for him and I was kind of unsure of actually going but when I learnt my friends will be there, I said ok, I’ll come. Party was nice, though it was very hot but really nice music, men on dancing floor, tasty Biryani and naked men(rather man, he himself put off his shirt and started dancing while pondifying me, lols), really made it worthy. Near dawn when we all resigned, four of us were sharing a room and no need to say that me and Arsi were sharing the same room with two of our friends. Seriously I didn’t have any naughty intentions, not even when he chose to sleep next to me on the bed. The lights were switched off and then the story started.
After sometime, he hugged me and I hugged him back, started patting him on his back remembering his recent cry session with his friends a few minutes back. But I was wrong. After a while, he started kissing my neck and I was like “Hain! Yeh kya ho raha hai?” (What the hell is happening?) But I let him kiss my neck and didn’t protest and pretended to be asleep. Then he put his head above me and started kissing my lips, “Now that’s the limit.” I thought that but still I opened my mouth for tongue to tongue interaction and all that chup chup (kissing sound) was getting more and more audible in the room. I whispered in his ear about the sound and he suggested, “Let’s go in the room upstairs.” and left the room.
It was very first time for me but still I was very calm and confident about it. I started asking myself what I was doing and why I was doing, what will be its outcome or repercussions for the next 15 minutes.And then I said to myself, “HadiHussain, it’s a high time that you should get laid. You feel attraction towards this guy and he wants you with all your flab and non-penetrative sexual nature and he’s leaving in a few days. So, let’s do it”.
I was 24 then and it was the first time I got intimate with someone. When I left the room I saw him sitting just right there in the stairs with his head in his hands and as he saw me he stood up passionately and said, “I thought you will not come”. And he started kissing me madly right there, but I cued him for the vacant room upstairs. It was two hours session, with passionate kissing, personal talks and future plans. I was taking things very casually but he seemed somewhat serious, rather impractical. He didn’t know me but wanted to have a relationship because he liked me a lot and he wanted to put all his efforts to make our potentially long distance relationship work. I told him that it wouldn’t work but he persisted on to try.
“I will remain loyal to you. I’ll not sleep around with anyone. I promise.”
“But you don’t need to do so. It will be cruel on my part to levy such demands on you. We hardly know each other so there is no bonding to survive on in that foreign land. You will be hell lonely and in loneliness people do end up having sex. So, it’s ok. You can do anything you want. I can understand. Don’t bother yourself with it.”
“This means you will be having sex as well.”
“How many times you think I am having sex? You are my first one, I don’t have much desires”.
“That’s why I love you” he said and kissed me once again “And I’ll remain loyal to you”.
We took a shower together and then we came into the lounge like good naïve young boys and behave as if nothing has happened. I asked him not to talk about last night adventure to anyone, although I knew that Randy must have an idea about it as he’s a seasoned queer folk who has even lost his hairs in gaining all this experience and I was right about him. Before leaving that place, he vowed for his love and loyalty towards me and we hugged and I came back to Lahore.


Image Courtesy: Maria Li

The Day I Found I Got HIV

We were walking down the great Mall road of Lahore one day and having our regular evening meet ups when all of a sudden, in a pure typical gossip tone, Boze announced, “You know what, Haris(my ex) had even slept with Earl.”
“What? Holy shit, but he’s HIV positive.”
And then there was a brief serious silence followed by a surprising worried look in our faces and then like a fire cracker I roared, “Haye! main mar gaya(Oh shit man, what the fuck) Boze.”
“Slut! Don’t say that please, don’t say that…nae nae(no no)… ya Allah (oh God). Tell me exactly what you have done with him, tell me in peculiar details.”
“Mother bitch! I am not like you, I didn’t go for your usual bed ritual but…but there was pre-seminal fluid and Oh my God, Oh my God…. Boze, I am gonna die.”
“Shut up, I ‘ll bitch slap you. It’s not the way of getting infected. “
“Tera bera gharak ho Boze. Kujri kutti haramzadi, haye tujhay aik he kunjar mila tha puray Lahore main meray liye.” (Boze, may you go to hell. You slut, you bitch, you rascal, from the whole Lahore, you found such a man whore for me.“
“Tou main nay kub kaha tha kay pheli date pay he munah kala kar lain us kay saath.” (Excuse me! did I ask you to fuck him in the very first date.)
“Haye mujhay kya pata tha kay who chalti phirti sasti sawari hai, mujhay to us nay monogamous relation ke goli day kar loot liya.” (Oh God! I didn’t know he was a promiscuous liar, I got carried away with his flowery dreams of monogamous relationship.”
“BozeI am going to die. Please forgive me for my sins.”
“Shut up Hadi, you are not going to die…” and then he looked at me and said, “I hope so.”
“Can you be less melodramatic and tell me what should I do now after your bloody senior (he’s Boze senior in University) has infected me.”
“Shahbash Main melodramatic haun ya tu. Haye roola daal kar pura Mall road ikhata kar lia hai tu nay, Cholo.” (Wow! You are the drama queen here. Look with your hue and cry you have assembled whole Mall road in front of you.)
“ Haye (Oh) Booze, I have done sex for the second time in my whole life, don’t tell me I am not gonna do it again. This isn’t fair. Just see a lot of people are sleeping around with every Tom Dick and Harry and still healthy and poor me, if I dared to take a chance in my life then see that’s what happened to me.”
“Hadi, jaan I’ll not let you die.”
“Hunah ayeda tu Mughal-e-Azam.” (Hunah! You aren’t Mughal-e-Azam).
“Baji (Sister) don’t worry. I promise you that I’ll arrange a dozen hunks every Thursday for a party at your grave, who will dance naked and celebrate your untimely departure.”
“Boze, seriously, am I gonna die.”
“Shut up! You bitch”. He hugged me and pecked my cheeks and said, “It’s not gonna happen. Don’t worry jani (friend).”
Later that night, vine called me up and I broke news to her as well. And once again, I narrated my Haris-Hadi bedtime story to her and mind you she laughed at several points. In the end, she panicked and said, “Bus khatam hogaye, haye nae (Is it enough, oh please) I want to hear more dirty stuff.” And I was like “Haye Bhagwan” (Oh Lord). Later she did ask his doctor friend about contracting HIV and let me now that you are safe Hadi but I was still not feeling good.
Now it was first night after I realised that I have been in bed with a guy who has previously been in bed with an HIV positive guy and I don’t know what’s my health status now. It was quite a dreamless night, several times I texted Boze and played the ultimate drama queen until he had to discipline me in a very crude manner and I started playing victim syndrome.
Next day, I met Gaia and narrated the most awful thing happened to me (at that time it was actually) and she hugged me and counselled me and advised to have a test and I was like “NO”. I was afraid of the possibility of contracting HIV and I didn’t want to go through all that. But one day Boze hijacked me and took me to the hospital where I got tested. The ass of the guy there was so yummy and I said, “Boze now you are gonna bump him and I’ll see you from above.” And he gave me the most terrible look of his, which means shut up right away or otherwise I am gonna punch you. Later that night, he texted me up and said, “If you are gonna get HIV, I am gonna fight hard with God. He can’t do this to you. I’ll never let this happen.” And I was literally touched.
From all this HIV fiasco what I got is that never buy the relationship and lovey dovey stuff from people easily. If you don’t lie then don’t think no one can else lie as well. Second thing I learned is that SAFE SEX is very important. I am not into penetration and that’s why the probability of contracting HIV and other STI’s is almost nil as compared to the people who are into penetration. So guys always do safe sex regardless of how much the super-hot and super clean your partner seemed to you. Because it’s the matter of your life and that’s the most important and precious thing.

Ugly Faces, Nice Asses

Few days back, me and Boze were pondifying (cruising/checking out) men at the Mall Road (it’s our favorite gay time pass, lols) when we both caught a sight of a potential rauncho (hottie), in a police uniform. Personally, I have ideological clashes with the guys in uniform but considering Boze’s uniform fetish and the potential good body of our prey, I decided to put my scruples aside, for some time. He was looking away and his back was towards us. Wow! he got such a nice bubble ass that our filthy little mouths instantly experienced a lusty tsunami and while saying yummy yummy we moved towards him to have a closer look but exactly then he turned around, with the gun on his left shoulder and oh my God, it was disastrous. He was so ugly, with yellow stained teeth, black stupid whiskers, oil all over his face and wobbling eyes like a fish. Haye Bhagwan! how God can do this to poor us. We both surely deserved to be gunned down with the same gun he was holding and what more; somehow he got our initial intentions and gave us the signature tharki smile men in uniform are known for to which I couldn’t resist saying ’yuck’ and dragged my statue Boze along with me, (he was still in a state of shock over this mockery of the nature), poor Boi.
After this heart wrecking incident, we went to a café and took strawberry smoothies to regain our faith in beauty and aesthetics. I don’t want to be sound too much shallow but it’s my experience that most of the guys, walking on the street (I am not talking about celebrities) with hot bodies and nice assess will be low at aesthetics and don’t know how to talk and dress properly. It would be a plus if they are educated and aware of personal hygiene (without stinking body odor and bad breath). But one can rarely get this lucky.
After further contemplation, we both concluded that mainly village guys have more sex appeal with bubble assess and athletic bodies as compared to urban guys. Boze reasoned that village boys do more physical work and use flush system (can anyone else think of it) instead of commode that’s why there ass muscles are puffed up and in a good shape. To which I added that they also pray more regularly so that’s may be another contributing factor for having nice assess. But what about the faces, we couldn’t find any other interesting reason for that. Anyone having any idea, lols.

Image Courtesy: Usman Rana

On Special First Times

I got a text from a folk few days back in which he expected me to say that, “Yes first kiss is very special.” I started laughing, not because I believed otherwise but on the innocence and naivety of his question. The thing is we have been brought up in such an over emotional romantic culture where a mother can’t be a mother enough unless she shed gallons and gallons of tears for the sake of her son (yeah they mostly cry for sons) and whose prayers can miraculously resurrect him from doom, where no one loves lesser then Heer Ranjha, Sassi Punno and Sohni Mahiwal (folk love stories). Where Paro (female lead charcter from movie Devdas) says “Phela pyar to umar kay faraq ke tarah hota hai jissay cha kar bhi nae mitta saktay.“
Over melodramatic digest literature where heroine always end up getting a handsome rich guy who will deliver her from every possible atrocity, and the typical Lollywood masala movies where people can get their “love at first sight” with 5-6 songs, some drama, some romance and then finally overriding the much talked about Simaj ke dewar (social pressures) serves as the impetus for this cultural emotional mania. Here every movie is a love story and every love story has a happy ending thus disseminating this obsession with romanticism in “first times”.
Can you remember the very first time you wrote any alphabet? Was that special or legible enough??? I guess No. Can you remember the very first time you had cooked, drove, swam, danced or played? Was there any special affects in them to make you compete for an Oscar in the Special Affects Category. Again NO. But yes after several attempts and with practice, you can get that special thing in whatever you have been doing.
There was a time when I used to think that when I’ll fall in love or kiss or have sex with someone very first time it would be very special but darn it all those first times were pathetic. I was so naïve without any experience and didn’t know what to do, and what I wanted from life. Gaia says a really wonderful thing and I agree with her on this, “Phelay pyar par potti kar kay usay flush out kar daina chahiye.” (One should poo at his/her first love and then flushes it out.)
My first kiss, uff it was so pathetic, the guy used to smoke a lot and when we started it in the college loo, I was like hell no but nevertheless I completed it, looking for that special moment in it as it was much anticipated first fucking kiss. And first time I got laid, nothing was special about it except my horniness and his desperation. So, lovelies, first things are mostly stupid and naive as we have preconceived notions about them and we forgot that there’s a difference between a reel life story and real life story where one has to kiss many frogs to get one’s prince charming.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)

“I am Sorry Daddy for Being a Fat Fag”

Once upon a time, I was just a kid, a regular shy kid with average weight but then one day, things started to change. The magical words of some fairy godmother lost their way and struck me and I became fat and faggy. You see, people used to say that,fat and faggy. Daddy was the first one to come up and notice it and tried to control it. He never liked me though; he had several reasons not to like me. I talked faggy, I walked faggy, I looked fat, and I looked ugly. People didn’t like me and so he didn’t like me. You see! it was very important for him to see if people liked me or not.
I was girlie, that’s what people used to say to him and so one day he decided to make me a boi, a real boi, a man. He asked me to stop running after butterflies and plucking flowers and to start playing with boys, elder bois. “But daddy I love butterflies, I love flowers, they make me happy, they are so beautiful, so colourful. Look at them.” He didn’t even look at me, how he can look at them.
He was always ashamed of me, poor Daddy. I couldn’t run good enough to win any race. I couldn’t play cricket or fight with other boi, not as I was supposed to do.
“Daddy, I got second position, see my certificate.” He was looking at the boi who stood first. He didn’t look at my certificate. It didn’t have that golden medal imprint on it. I guess daddy like golden colour. He never talked to me about anything, just gave directions.
Daddy you remember those shopping sessions when I couldn’t get anything of my size. No jeans, no shorts, no tee-shirts for me then; I loved pink tee-shirts though but I couldn’t take them, they were girlie you see. I still remember the sarcastic smile of every shopkeeper who would come towards me with an inch tape to check my size and after it he would start laughing and so would you. How much embarrassing it was for you daddy? I am so sorry for it daddy.
Do you remember daddy that Pinky, (my sister), used to call me motta(fat), aalo (potato), maajh (cow). I guess she didn’t know that my name was “Hadi” even I forgot my name was Hadi. And then I became her “baji” (literally means elder sister but is also used to refer someone as gay). I guess you know that Pinky has been always very good at giving nicks, especially mine. Daddy she was just a little girl then you see, just a little girl and it’s good that you never confronted her for that. You were such a grown up man, Daddy.
Have I ever told you that my peers in school used to bully me, make fun of me, harass me for being fat, for being shy, for being gay. Daddy have I ever told you that I used to cry without a sound, only in tears in the school loo after my daily raging session. Have I ever told you that the senior students used to kiss me and try to get all snuggly with me even when I could see that was something weird?
I can recall all your sayings daddy, like don’t eat this, don’t eat that, run like a dog, don’t you hate your body, look at all the fat, look at your chest come breasts, look at your love handles, “Aren’t you ashamed of it”? I am sorry Daddy! I never told you that I was really ashamed of myself, of my body. I so much wanted to cut myself in to pieces and gift you the size you want. I so much wanted to drown myself in the most concentrated acid ever existed, to get all my body and soul dissolved in it. I want to bang my head with the wall so much that I wish to lose the consciousness of being fat and faggy. But I couldn’t do any such thing, look at my survival instinct daddy, won't you appreciate me for that? Look how rough and tough the son of yours, the son of shame of yours, has become.
I stopped making friend Daddy, I stopped playing daddy and all I continued was getting fat and fag. I am so sorry for that daddy, I am really very sorry. I have been such an embracement for you for every one. You see daddy, some people do say this to me, “Nae (No), you shouldn’t feel that way, you should be take positivity out of it.” Fuck man, fuck for making me say fuck, and then for not getting my point. Don’t portray the bloody clichés, I am not going to be carried away by these beautiful lies and shallow ‘feel good’ stuff.
You know daddy, it was Danny who tried to make me realise how beautiful and good I was. He must be an alien daddy, a freak daddy; he never bothered with my fats and fagginess. I still remember that Saturday night when after a get together, we were walking down the lane I saw the bus we had to catch and I just looked at him said, “Let’s run and catch it.” He was a bit shocked and reluctant but as I started chasing the bus with full reverence and juvenile fervour, he joined me in. We didn’t get that bus but I got a great deal inside me. I ran that day daddy, I ran without thinking that you or anybody else will be ashamed of me.
You know daddy, once I started hanging out with my queer folks, I realised how much this body, my body is a hurdle in getting me a nice guy. The folks used to advise me “Babe you are awesome, really handsome, just lose some weight and then you will be the talk of the town.” ‘Talk of the town’, what a wonderful title daddy, see! they are as much concerned about me as you were. I want to take this opportunity to send my apologies to them as well. I am sorry lovelies.
You know daddy recently somebody just said it in his flow, “I can’t be with someone who’s so fat that if I ‘ll poke my finger in him, it will go inside.” You know daddy what I did that day. As I got back and went to refreshen up myself, I put off my shirt and stood in front my bathroom mirror. I could see all my extra fats, my flabs, around my belly, around my love handles and my chest cum breasts. For all those years I have hated them, detested them every single day. But at that moment, very first time, I started caressing and kissing my flabs and said to them, “I love you all, I love you my flabs, my fat, I love you very much. What if nobody loves you, respect you? What if everybody hates you, dislike you and make your self-esteem go down? You are beautiful, you are part of me, I own you, I respect you, I love you immensely. I will appreciate you, I will love you the way nobody else will do. Just trust me, just give me a chance.” I continued to say all that for I don’t know how much time and during that I was having tears in my eyes. The tears of belongingness, of appreciation, of love, of care, of overriding a history of shame and guilt, of resurrected pride. It was extremely cathartic and so was the text Phunk send me a few days back, “You are real, that’s why you are beautiful.”

(Image Courtesy: Jesse Therrien)

Anal Fixation

It was my regular mid-week hang out with Vinnie and we were having our favorite chocolate mousse from a really yummy restaurant we had recently discovered from the plethora of the new budding restaurants. Lahore never runs out of food and new restaurants. Eating from the same cup of young (ya it was, by God), smooth and creamy mousse, Vinnie announced “Uff! Chocolate is so orgasmic.” And I was like, “Excuse me!! are you insane or something? How can chocolate give anyone a rush?”
“It can, you inexperienced virgin bitch.” She said cheekily.
“Hain (What)???”
I put out the spoon out of my (yummy) mouth (I bet it is) and intoned like a great leader ready for his winning speech “Sweety, I may not be as much experienced as my contemporaries are but I am not a virgin. You know all of my experiences in graphic detail. I don’t know then way you are defaming me.”
“I know that’s why I am saying this, loser.”
“Ho haye! (Oh) Can her highness be kind enough to explain the reason for overlooking my experiences and denouncing me as a virgin?”
“Yeah I can, I am a generous Princess.” She smiled back and then said, “You see, you haven’t done sex yet, I mean you have never been involved in penetration, not even into orals. Your sex experiences are so mediocre and low status in nature. I mean it’s like, “Vinnie Vinnie, look wind just passed by me and I had sex or Vinnie Vinnie he took my hand and I had sex.”
I was shocked, “You mean only penetration is that “high powered” kind of sex and all the other ones are low powered things to do which you don’t think are good enough to qualify as sex. What the fuck, I disagree.”
“You see in heterosexual sex, act of penetration is involved…”
“I am not a heterosexual…”
“I know, but majority of the people, gay people do that.”
“Don’t preach might is right philosophy to me, Ok. And don’t say that I am still a virgin. I hate this word.” I closed the discussion there and then because I realized I receive similar reaction from the Pink community as well. People are so much obsessed about anal sex and I am unable to identify why exactly gaiety means anal sex. I have met a few guys in their questioning phase saying that they didn’t want to have anal sex. Was that really important to be gay and to have anal sex?
I went through same questions during my coming out. I didn’t feel like having anal sex but almost every gay guy around me would say how can you be gay then? What about oral?? No??? Strange, are you really gay? Then what you will do in bed honey, just holding hands? It was so depressing and pressurizing for me to handle and process all that shit. I remembered that if ever I would share my experiences, they would start laughing and saying, “You are still a virgin and virginity isn’t a dignity, it’s just lack of opportunity.”
Whole gay sex politics revolves around top/bottom dichotomy and its very basis is heteronormative in nature. Being a top (the one who penetrates) is associated with manliness, power and control and is considered to be of high stature whereas being a bottom (one who gets penetrated) is associated with womanliness, dependency, the one who can be controlled and of low stature. In heterosexual context, penetration (hard core feminist may excuse me) may be justified for child bearing but in homosexual context, its obligation doesn’t make any sense. The question here arise that whether the gay men are trying (consciously or unconsciously) to imitate heteronormative sexual dynamics to themselves, if yes then why?
One day I was really depressed about all this shit and shared my thoughts with Gaia. She became furious and said, “Fuck them all who say this to you. Lanant hai, phelay bunda straight logon kay mutabik bunnay ke koshsish karta rahay, phir ab yeh log humain batain kay hum kaisay achay GAY bun saktay hain.” (Fie on them, first we try to live our lives as straight people want us to live and now these gay people are suggesting us how to be a good gay.)
I did the same; I never resigned to their suggestions because what I do in my bed is of no one’s concern. No one can define what is SEX for me and what I like and want to do in SEX. So, it’s a wide call for everyone out there that if you don’t want to do anything just doesn’t do it. Sex involves a whole range of variant pleasing activities; don’t feel compelled to follow any pattern you don’t want to follow, even if your partner insists. It’s your body, it’s your life, and it’s your SEX. Enjoy SEX, the way you want it.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)