Maddy-Hadi Saga

It was September of the same Fari year, after Arsi left Pakistan, I heard of a gay social network website called Manjam. My folks mentioned really interesting facts about it, how individual manipulate others, how much people lie, how hilarious people can be and above all, how desperate they can be. So, I thought of writing an article over it and being a true social researcher I made an account at Manjam. Oh my Lord! So many seemingly hot and nude men, which I learned latter were either some less popular models or photoshoped cases. But this make me realized one thing that gay men really put a lot of importance to good looks and I latter realized it when i started reading the profiles of people. Khair, I will write some other day about folks at Manjam but right now I am going to start my post about Maddy. It was during those research days when I met Maddy online at Manjam. Among all flooding superficial, into quick shag guys, he was different. First of all his profile was full of details regarding ABOUT ME. He messaged me and said, “I am jumping in excitement after reading your profile. It was interesting to actually come across someone whose profile has actually some write up instead of ASK ME everywhere”. And I was like “Well thanks for your comments.” I also read his profile and mailed him detailed comments. And then it all started. We exchanged email addresses and cell numbers and one day out of nowhere he called me up. And then after brief introductions, aspirations and aims in life, he said, “I want to officially ask you out for a date, though I am far away from you but I seriously want to take you out for a lunch someday”.
“Well thanks, I would love to go”.
“You got really nice voice by the way”.
“Thanks.”
I may be appearing such a dull guy after these dialogues and I accept it. I don’t give many compliments and when it’s about receiving compliments, well I suck really bad time. Most of the times I think other person is buttering me or making fun of me or lying and he/she doesn’t mean it. Though I am do love receiving compliments from friends and family because they rarely compliment me. But in general I don’t take people seriously, especially who are appreciating me. But I liked him saying all that. It was a strange kind of elated feeling which used to bring a big smile on my face.
He was living more than 800 Km away from me and slowly and gradually as we started talking to each other more and more, sharing all the things starting from Good morning to good night messages to having sex through sms and chats, things started getting complicated. Our expectations and demands started to show differences. For me he was an immature, severely depressed guy who is too stubborn to change and let go things. I was a mature authoritative, control freak who’s so impulsive that he couldn’t talk to me something good. We started having fights more regularly after first two months of our online connection. I desperately wanted to see him but he was would always say that he would come first to Lahore to see me and that wasn’t possible in the near future.
I had told him about Arsi and he told me that it’s his immense pleasure and luck to know a person like me, even if I weren’t going to love him, he would still want to be in contact with me. I was emotional involved with Maddy instead of Arsi and that was the truth. I knew that fact as I was having emotional connection with Maddy not with Arsi. I was so clear about that.
My writing abilities, my psychologist status, my activism and my handsomeness, especially my eyes were a complete turn on for him. He used to appreciate me for all these characteristics. I don’t know why he never talked about the reservations he had with me, the things he disliked about me. I was always protective about him and he took it to be as controlling, dominating and bad. Although my intentions were never so. And after almost a year after our breakup he kind of told me about the problems he had with me. Even Booze told me latter as he became friends with him.
What I liked about him, hmmmmm, he was really cute. I liked the way he used to say and text me, “My janu, my Hadi.” I still remember the first time he said so, I got tears in my eyes. He was Syed which was like a dream come true as I always used to idealize having a relation with some Syed due to its religious/spiritual significance in my mind. And there he was a gaddi nasheen (heir of a sufi/religious order) with followers in his native village.
Constant day to day life pressures, missing someone at one’s side, long distance, lack of frequency matching, immaturity of both of us, and constant rows and disagreements finally resulted up in a break up. We departed at a very casual stupid reason and I never thought so it was coming but then he wrote an email and deleted me from Facebook, from Gmail, from his cell and from his life. And I was like, okay it do happens Hadi, though I was in deep pain. I knew we were fighting but never once I thought of breaking up but I guess he had thought about it. I didn’t stop him or tried to contact him again till a year later when I got his number from Boze and I texted him and apologized for the bad things happened between us. And since then it’s also going to be a year now, we are on good terms. We talk more maturely and without any reservations. And it’s going good. I still remember that bhe used to say that he would die without me and I always used to reply him back, “Nae tum nae marro gay. Koi kisi kay liye nae marta.” (You willn’t die. No one dies for anyone.)
I met him 1.5 years after our break up and it was a disappointment because he wasn’t comfortable in meeting me. And it was evident from his body language and that made me feel guilty as if once again I had pressurized him to see me. We did talk about it later and he told me he wasn’t feeling well emotionally and psychologically that day. And I tried to understand.
I still cherish the e-time spend with him, the hours and hours of chatting and late night calls and super late night text messages. But life has to move on and we both have moved on, for good. I wish all the very best to him.

Image Courtesy: Danka K

Arsi-Hadi Finale

After that Suhag raat, Arsi left Pakistan for 6 months but remained in contact through calls and emails. Slowly and gradually our few mutual friends were sniffing something going on between us and we both were ok with that. One day, I got a call from him in which he was crying and on asking the reason, he told me that he has slept with a guy and was feeling guilty about it. It was almost two months after his departure. But I was ok with it and I said, “That’s what I told you will happen. It’s ok.”
“Are you angry at me.”
“No I am not because I can understand your loneliness and moment of despair. So, it’s ok don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter much to me.”
“Why it doesn’t matter to you.”
“Because I am a practical guy. I know about the realities and pressures one has to go through in this life and so chances of getting astray are higher.”
“Hmmmm…. Thanks for not making an issue out of it.”
“Cheers.”
But I knew internally that if I have been in love with him, my reaction would have been ballistic because I am one nerdy possessive guy of this time.
After six months he came back and I received him at the airport. We stayed together for the whole night and he jumped at me literally. And I wasn’t enjoying the stuff going on. In the morning when he got up and said, “Why don’t you go to a gym and lose some weight. I want people to look at my boyfriend and say, WOW what a guy.”
I was directly looking in to his face with sheer seriousness and getting the idea he covered that up with a stupid smile and a kiss and said, “Magar app to humain aisay bhi achay lagtay hain.” (But still I like you the way you are.)
I didn’t reply him and got out of bed and realised I didn’t love him and neither did he. For him I was just a contested prize he wanted to show off to the world. “Look! I got him, I screw him, I fuck him, I own him.”
I never let my parents to objectify me then how dare this filthy ugly hairy crap existing on the face of this earth is saying me so. I realised that I never loved him and I didn’t even want to try. And I couldn’t do sex with him because I can’t do sex with the person I don’t like. I liked him that night in his city but now the spell is over. Don’t think that he said few things one day and I decided otherwise. He has been asking me for penetrative sex, for losing weight, for getting me all over and controlling me and I have been letting things go. But after meeting him and having unpleasant sex with him, all of the things bothering me from the last six months made me finally decide what I wanted. So, end of the story.
P.S. He reportedly brought some fancy gifts which I never got because things weren’t well between us.
He has been doing sex randomly abroad.
And while doing a research at Manjam I was getting emotionally involved in someone during Arsi’s absence. And now I am gonna write about him.

(Image Courtesy: D. Sharon Pruitt)

Arsi-Hadi I

I met Fari for the last time in June and by the end of July I met Arsi through a mutual friend. He wasn’t a good looking guy but somehow he was raw, from his heavily hairy chest to his wheatish complexion, to his square jaw to the yummy stubble, he seemed to be a wild beast in bed (I expected so) and that’s what I liked about him. After Fari, I was so much busy in my professional life and my activism that I didn’t get that emotional went out period, no hibernation or depression phase been observed, just a few days of low mood and then life took it’s pace.
During our first meet up, he got inspired by me (that’s what he said to his friends) by the way I have sorted out my queerness and the way I was comfortable in my skin. My activism, my writings, my fair complexion, was big turn on for him. By profession, he was an engineer, just like Fari and he was leaving Pakistan in a month or so when I met him very first time.
After the first meet up, we met twice with our mutual friends and both times I was the focus of his attention and I was enjoying that, the way he was looking at me, it was making me feel so yummy. He even joked about getting into a relationship for the few weeks he was left with and I was all laughing and flirting.
In one of those meetings, he asked me to join him for a farewell party his best buddy was throwing up for him and I was kind of unsure of actually going but when I learnt my friends will be there, I said ok, I’ll come. Party was nice, though it was very hot but really nice music, men on dancing floor, tasty Biryani and naked men(rather man, he himself put off his shirt and started dancing while pondifying me, lols), really made it worthy. Near dawn when we all resigned, four of us were sharing a room and no need to say that me and Arsi were sharing the same room with two of our friends. Seriously I didn’t have any naughty intentions, not even when he chose to sleep next to me on the bed. The lights were switched off and then the story started.
After sometime, he hugged me and I hugged him back, started patting him on his back remembering his recent cry session with his friends a few minutes back. But I was wrong. After a while, he started kissing my neck and I was like “Hain! Yeh kya ho raha hai?” (What the hell is happening?) But I let him kiss my neck and didn’t protest and pretended to be asleep. Then he put his head above me and started kissing my lips, “Now that’s the limit.” I thought that but still I opened my mouth for tongue to tongue interaction and all that chup chup (kissing sound) was getting more and more audible in the room. I whispered in his ear about the sound and he suggested, “Let’s go in the room upstairs.” and left the room.
It was very first time for me but still I was very calm and confident about it. I started asking myself what I was doing and why I was doing, what will be its outcome or repercussions for the next 15 minutes.And then I said to myself, “HadiHussain, it’s a high time that you should get laid. You feel attraction towards this guy and he wants you with all your flab and non-penetrative sexual nature and he’s leaving in a few days. So, let’s do it”.
I was 24 then and it was the first time I got intimate with someone. When I left the room I saw him sitting just right there in the stairs with his head in his hands and as he saw me he stood up passionately and said, “I thought you will not come”. And he started kissing me madly right there, but I cued him for the vacant room upstairs. It was two hours session, with passionate kissing, personal talks and future plans. I was taking things very casually but he seemed somewhat serious, rather impractical. He didn’t know me but wanted to have a relationship because he liked me a lot and he wanted to put all his efforts to make our potentially long distance relationship work. I told him that it wouldn’t work but he persisted on to try.
“I will remain loyal to you. I’ll not sleep around with anyone. I promise.”
“But you don’t need to do so. It will be cruel on my part to levy such demands on you. We hardly know each other so there is no bonding to survive on in that foreign land. You will be hell lonely and in loneliness people do end up having sex. So, it’s ok. You can do anything you want. I can understand. Don’t bother yourself with it.”
“This means you will be having sex as well.”
“How many times you think I am having sex? You are my first one, I don’t have much desires”.
“That’s why I love you” he said and kissed me once again “And I’ll remain loyal to you”.
We took a shower together and then we came into the lounge like good naïve young boys and behave as if nothing has happened. I asked him not to talk about last night adventure to anyone, although I knew that Randy must have an idea about it as he’s a seasoned queer folk who has even lost his hairs in gaining all this experience and I was right about him. Before leaving that place, he vowed for his love and loyalty towards me and we hugged and I came back to Lahore.


Image Courtesy: Maria Li