KARACHI SAGA

It is a long due post as it was supposed to be written shortly after my Karachi trip this August, but somehow I just couldn’t manage to write about this adventure. I don’t know how to put all my experiences in words because I feel out of words to aptly explain what I felt during those few days. Still I am going to try. This post is an apology to all the people of Karachi whom I did hurt repeatedly with my emotional drama and they bore with endless patience. This is also a pledge not to repeat my mistakes as there are lot of other new mistakes waiting for me to be considered. Since my last visit almost a year back, I have been considering of revisiting Karachi for a while but wasn’t sure about it. The month of Ramazan was going on I was spending all my time in reading several books this August. I was severely depressed from quite some time and had no social life at all. But one evening I met Boze who made me realize my follies and issues which left me shaken, like seriously. I never thought that meeting will mark a defining change in my life. After that I started re-evaluating my life, especially my actions during last few months. Therefore, after hitting the bottom, I decided to change and this time for good. So, I thought why not start ‘mending my ways’ from Karachi, the city I never liked and the people I never understood. I took few days off from my work and started a journey to re-learn and re-discover the city and the people with whom I had a connection. I booked a seat with Daewoo Bus service and went out for a 21 hours long journey, almost across the whole country. While commuting, I was wondering what if the people I really want to meet and apologize will deny meeting me? I was so unsure of their reaction because now the tables have turned and I don’t know what this trip will bring on. Phunko was busy during my visit so he apologized for his unavailability while Jadoo, as usual was as welcoming as always to receive me. I was more concerned about Barbie to whom I was definite to meet and to Gollu Mollu about whom I hadn’t decided till then. To my relief when I texted Barbie about my visit he responded affirmatively even after the way I treated him during last one year. To fill you in with the details, for a whole year I was hurting him with my sarcasm and negative attitude, just because he couldn’t meet me during my last visit. He apologized many times but I never listened to his apologies and treated him badly. I used to say hurtful things to him, had fights with him over chat or phone but I never knew that it was also hurting me from inside. I still remember that after every fight I used to whine about over my last visit and looked for reasons to irritate him more and more. I wanted him to leave me but I also wanted him to stay back so that I could use him as an emotional punching bag. I must salute that guy with a mighty heart who bore all my tantrums rather psychological abuse with patience and never let go of me. I must take this opportunity to extend my apologies once again to him for all my behavior and I want him to know that I am so proud of him for being in my life and showing me that patience do have a capacity to win over. DAY 1: Amid the target killings and regular street violence I stepped out of the bus at Karachi terminal in Sohrab Goth, an area known for all the wrong reasons. Coming from Lahore and been a follower of local news channels, Karachi seemed the most dangerous city on the map of Pakistan so the first thing I did was to start scrutinizing everyone around me as a potential street criminal. I left the terminal soon in the shuttle service, and was welcomed by the roadside typical Karachi black/brown shrubs. The shuttle was moving in the city, over flyovers and dropping passengers here and there while I was trying to make out where I was by looking around at the shops, flats and houses but I just couldn’t make any sense because in Karachi you will not find any shop or house with its address. So no one can make sense of the area they are traveling. Meanwhile I saw some shop with the real name of Gollu Mollu and I felt a pang in my heart and at that moment I decided to also text him and request to meet me. For the context, just like Barbie, Gollu Mollu also couldn’t meet me during my last visit and had been treated no different from Barbie. To my surprise, he answered quite excitedly and in affirmation. While traveling to my rest house, I came across a new walk chalking, i.e. “Nara-e-Farooqi-Ya Umar(R.A)”. I had never seen this slogan before in my life and started wondering about its political significance and sectarian. After I checked in, I texted Barbie about my arrival and got ready for my late afternoon lunch with him. I was excited as well as anxious about this meeting. The Forum mall was on a 4 minutes’ walk from my rest house and we decided to meet there. I reached earlier and he joined shortly after my arrival. We hugged each other and first thing I noticed about him was his smile, his understandable awkwardness and his Urdu. We went inside, looked around, bought books and landed up in the food court and placed our order. After general causal talk, we started talking about queer politics, an area where we disagree with each other a lot and I thought, “Shit! I shouldn’t start off with this issue as it will ruin my purpose of meeting him.” Thanks to a phone call which rescued us and our conversation took another casual direction afterwards. After the meal we decided to go some open space and finally ended up Farrer Hall. I had heard a lot about the place as it’s allegedly a place for gay meet ups, hook ups and dating. It was a Saturday evening and I thought of witnessing all this exciting stuff with my own eyes. We got into a rickshaw and had our first photo-shoot together, which was fun. When we reached there, I noticed a park without any boundary wall and populated with countless heterosexual couples of different sizes and shapes with their whining children. All my excitement vanished always like a day dream so thought to spice up the park. There I had my notorious and attention seeking photo-shoot which gained instant attention, glares and gossips. Then we bought our favorite Orange ice lollies, and I trained Barbie about blowjob by licking and sucking that lolly. After all this fun stuff, we sat down on a bench, under a big tree and had our long due heart to heart talk. I apologized from Barbie who proved to be a genuine friend throughout the abused year of our friendship. I admire him, respect him and love him for his patience, maturity and understanding. The feeling of serenity, relief and understanding were almost spiritual at that time and never wanted to end it but we both have other plans so we bid farewell to each other for the day after making plans for tomorrow. I met Jadoo for the Dinner at Café Koel where I had the most amazing Limo panni of my life, though food was average but ambiance was nice. Jadoo was as welcoming and comforting as always. And at times I really wonder at the rare species of human beings he belong to. We talked about our lives, our work and my visit plans. He brought a book for me entitled ‘Forty Rules of Love’ by Elif Sahafak which he has been recommending me from a long time. By the title I thought it to be some stupid teenage romance but Jadoo insisted that it was different from what I assumed it to be. When I read the synopsis on the back of its cover, I found out that the book was all about the relationship between Rumi and Shams which wasn’t exciting enough for me. Because I never liked Rumi or his poetry and I still remember bunking my most favorite classes of Classics of World Literature course when we were reading Rumi. And now after so many years, once again Rumi was in front of me and I didn’t know how to react, other than thanking Jadoo for bringing that book. But now after reading that book, I must say that it is one of the very few books who have inspired me. I will soon write about a detailed post on the books which have inspired me. DAY 2: I had planned a Lunch with Gollu Mollu and was thinking whether he will be able to make it this time or not. What if he would back out this time again? Whatever was going to happen, I have decided to remain positive and understanding instead of bringing a storm in the cocktail. Interestingly, he wasn’t aware of the directions of his native city and I had to guide him with the limited knowledge I had of my where about, as he was driving to my side of town. I came on main road for his convenience and also praying not to be mugged. To be on the safer side, I wasn’t using my cellphone and I was wearing six pocket pants with money in every pocket. I was standing near the underpass when I saw his car approaching and while coming towards me he almost crashed into another car. I froze for a brief moment with the fear but fortunately nothing bad happened. He rushed out of the car and gave me a ceremonial hug while I was asking him commenting over his stunt. We both got in car and then he started laughing, non-stop till we reached Olivetto. Food was really nice there and we had a heart to heart talk about our past, our experiences and how we are going to move on with our friendship. I was happy to see him, humbled that he was able to make it this time and satisfied to have him back as a friend in my life. Then he took me to the other part of town, treated me with fruit cocktail at Hydri and then we reached to Barbie’s place who was in an awkwardly bad mood. After scolding poor Gollu Mollu and hearing me surprised he came back to his usual fun self and from there onwards we three had a blast in car; clicked fun pictures; gossiped about people; and had a complete gay drama, whose leading actor was obviously me. Gollu Mollu had to leave so he dropped us at Zainab Market where Barbie got me few jeans on special Lahori discount. Then Barbie got a quick lunch and tickets a movie for tomorrow and we went to Farrer Hall again and had our Orange ice lollies, photo-shoot, unfruitful poondi and bought few books. I was surprised to notice that Farrer Hall is also called Bagh-e-Jinnah, just like we call Lawrence Gardens in Lahore and interestingly both Baghs are notorious for gay dating and hook ups. From there we started walking towards Zainab Market though I was reluctant initially as I thought that roads of Karachi were not safe after dusk, courtesy: our news channels. Barbie laughed a lot over it which made me feel stupid. There I saw a really interesting new thing, ‘Call a rick’ a door to door pick and drop rickshaw service with headphones to listen music while commuting. We reached Zainab Market safely and had a street push cart limo pani with rooh afza. This marked the end of another exciting day in Karachi. DAY 3: Had yummy chicken cheese parathas in breakfast at Boat basin with a very energetic and talkative guy I came to know through Facebook. While had lunch with an introvert and young guy also from Facebook. Although getting into rickshaw and reaching Atrium for lunch also involves a story where the driver had flirted with me like anything, especially after knowing that I was from Lahore. He offered to take me to Hawkes Bay and show me the sea and when he dropped me, opposite of Atrium, he candidly asked if I need him to escort me across the road as it’s a big city and he didn’t want me to get afraid of traffic, to which I replied, “Lahore main bhi kaafi traffic hoti hai, magar Lahore walay itnay tharki nae hotay.” (Lahore also has huge traffic but they aren’t flirtatious like you). Barbie joined me there after I waited for him like ages. We had quick coffee session and just banged into the cinema for the movie. Movie was OK but I enjoyed Barbie’s company. After that we had dinner at Pizza Hut and again talked about our lives and future plans. I reached back at my guest house with a severe headache. I took pills and tried to sleep while my friends were calling or texting me to wish me on my birthday. This birthday was really special to me as I was turning 28 on 28 and somehow I felt it’s important. Messages from Boze and Agony gave me enough courage to ask for apologies for my ill treatment and extremely bad behavior. Later that night I met another guy from Facebook who was so kind enough to see me over a cup of tea at Boat basin. DAY 4: I had plans to have an exclusive birthday party at some fancy sea side restaurant and some cake cutting ceremony but unfortunately Barbie and Gollu Mollu got some emergency and couldn’t make up for my birthday get together. I felt bad about these sudden emergencies but I said to myself that it’s OK. So, it was just me and Jadoo for my birthday Dinner where we treated ourselves with at BOTS and I had a yummy meal full of sea food along with equally refreshing and tasty blueberry cocktail. After that we went to Café Blue Ginger to have the yummiest Potato and Leek soup and with no space left in our bellies for cake, we head back to our places. I bid farewell to Jadoo as I was leaving in the morning. Next day I left for Lahore with a peace of mind and satisfied heart. This trip provided me with an opportunity to give myself a chance to unburden myself from the bitter emotional baggage of fights, misunderstanding and grudges I was carrying from a long time. And last but not the least; I stopped negatively stereotyping Karachi and Karachities which is not just an impression but a lifelong learning experience.

PHUNKO ZINDABAD!!!

I came to know of Phunk Factor (Phunko) when he started commenting on my articles in Chay magazine, several moons back. He seemed to have a rational and secular approach towards the issues which other people might interpret in a religiously orthodox manner. So, after sometime, out of nowhere, I thought of looking up for him on Facebook and send him in a friend request. While searching him, I realized that he's actively writing blogs, which was a pleasant surprise. I still remember when I found out about his blogs very first time, I remained glued to my PC and by the end of almost two hours, I had read most of his romantic encounters and experiences and I was like 'Wow'. I could never imagine that anyone can actually write so openly about gay politics and subjective romantic/sexual experiences in such an open and blatant way, without any scruples. Reading his posts made me a bit embarrassed as well as excited at the same time. I was behaving like those self proclaimed morally righteous bitches who love to gossip but while chanting 'tauba tauba' at the same time.

After he accepted my friend request, we started talking, texting, emailing and tagging each other in various links at Facebook. Adding him also earned me a plethora of individuals at Facebook who wanted to be 'friends' with me. But that's another story, which I post some other day. Initially when I started talking to him, I was kind of skeptic about him because of two reasons. One, he was younger than me and in my experience, younger gay guys with somewhat LGBTQI awareness acts too immature when it’s about activism in Pakistan. Two, he was so much Burger that I thought I wouldn’t be able to relate to him in any way. He talks in English most of the time, and that’s also with an accent and I just can't bear so much English. I am desi guy who uses English out of necessity but in spite of these two reservations, I continued to be in contact with him and slowly and gradually I discovered the real Phunko who's so simple and pure of heart. Moreover, now as I look back and try to make sense out of our friendship then I think that apart from other reasons and rationales, it was GLEE also which help us to bond with each other.

Though we did have few differences but through our maturity, mutual respect and value for each other, we went through difficult times. I guess every relation has to go through this process, which actually testifies the credibility and durability of the relationship. We were two different people with two different cities and cultures in different fields but writing for same cause, LGBTQI community and that conquered all. The guy who used to be a gentleman started calling me "Didi, Baaji and Khusri" and other G-talk terms (call it Gay talk, it's an informal desi slang kinda sexually explicit and fun oriented style and mannerism apart from being a language). He was opening up to new ideas imported from Lahore and I was making myself at ease to write about my intimate encounters, as openly and honestly like Phunko. He was an inspiration in that regard.

Phunko always make me feel energize and happy and fortunately without any Khusri Drama (gay melodrama). Unlike majority of the gay men, he didn't have any emotional or psychological hiccups; any leftover (ex) in his mind, low self esteem issues or delusions of grandiose, he seemed quite grounded and comfortable in his skin for being what he is. And that's make him even more hooottttt. We had always wanted to meet each other and after more than a year I got this opportunity to visit Karachi, his hometown, to meet my online brother, friend and inspiration.

He was hell busy with a lot of things going on in his personal and professional life and I had few days with a lot of work to do as well. But still we reassured each other of meeting one another and as he put it, "It will a benchmark in the history, Hadi Hussain LGBTQI activist and blogger is meeting equally genius blogger Phunk Factor, Lahore meeting Karachi." I laughed at the way he put that thing into words but actually on a serious note, it was like that. Though I did have the fear that like many other Karachities, he might just ditch me in the end but he met me in real.
Despite time constraints and professional liabilities, we both managed to meet each other, once, for lunch. I have always objected at Phunko for meeting up guys in malls and paradoxically we both ended up meeting in a mall. As I got out of rickshaw in front of the mall, I saw a cute little guy waving his hand with a big smile. Though I had seen him virtually, but still the experience to see him very first time in real life was so much exciting. After showing off my khusri walk across the road I wen to the Phunko the hero, who was wearing a blue superman tee-shirt. We hugged each other and then tucked into the mall after letting guards put their dirty hands on us (for security reasons you know, off course you know we are sex bombshells).

Now if you ask me how he was, then I will straight (though it's really hard for me to be but still) away say that he was simply adorable. There was a certain innocence wrapped in wit which made him an outstanding guy. We went through all the floors of the mall, while chatting and posing in front of movie flexes and posters. Worth mentioning photo was in front of the poster of Desi Boys (Bollywood movie) in which I tried to kiss semi nude John Abraham. After cruising around on not so hot guys (I told Phunko that I haven’t encountered a single hot guy in his city, and that's a shame) we decided to have a meal, thus we ordered stuff and once again sharing mouth watering gossips, along with heart to heart emotional stuff.

After the food, we ordered some dessert suggested by Phunko and it was really awesome. I don't know it was chocolate rush of the dessert that I started singing "Oh la la, tu hai meri fantasy" along with all the "ahhh ahhh" (rather adding few more ahhhhhs at different places as well) and Phunko was like "stop it bitch" as it was obviously audible to the people around us. Though he thoroughly enjoyed it and asked me to mail him a recording of the song in my own voice. We talked about our friend Aaron Khan and decided to make him jealous of the blast we both had together.

Although I so much wanted to spend some more time with Phunko but I had to run back to my work so I resigned and hugged my adorable little friend and got on a rickshaw. I was really happy and satisfied after meeting Phunko which made me think that at least some Karachities are real and who didn’t try to pretend someone else. He made me believe in him as well as in the goodness of real people and I'll always cherish that feeling. The comfort level we used to have online or at phone was there and without any reservation we were communicating. It wasn't as if I was meeting some alien who I was hardly aware of. I suppose we were never masked since our very first interaction and that's the reason we really got along well with each other.
Thanks Phunko for being who you are, and for the respect and love you have showed towards me, especially when others were having a cow. Bear hugs for you.

Photo Courtesy: Phunk Factor

US embassy’s pride celebrations in Islamabad: More damage than support

In accordance with the US President Barack Obama’s May 31, 2011 GLBT Pride Proclamation that, “we rededicate ourselves to the pursuit of equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity,” US Ambassador for Pakistan, Richard Hoagland and members of Gays and Lesbians in Foreign Affairs Agencies (GLIFAA) hosted an event declared as ‘Islamabad’s first ever Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Pride Celebration’ on June 26, 2011 in the Federal Capital of Islamic Republic of Pakistan. This high profile event was reportedly attended by 75 people including Mission Officers, U.S. military representatives, foreign diplomats, and leaders of Pakistani LGBT advocacy groups who showed their “support for human rights, including LGBT rights in Pakistan at a time when those rights are increasingly under attack from extremist elements throughout Pakistani society”.

Unthankfully, all the sensational and flowery claptrap peddled around this event turned out to be a disaster for the budding underground Pakistani LGBT movement as the US Embassy conveniently oversaw the repercussions this event would have brought in an already critical country which is fighting against terrorism and radicalization while sacrificing its peace, its liberty, its sovereignty and countless lives of its law enforcement agencies and civilians alike.


Ambassador Richard E. Hoagland greets guests at GLBT Pride celebration on June 26, 2011. Photo via islamabad.usembassy.gov. The US embassy posted a statement on its website saying: "This gathering demonstrated continued U.S. Embassy support for human rights, including LGBT rights, in Pakistan at a time when those rights are increasingly under attack from extremist elements throughout Pakistani society.
Within a few days, the streets of major urban cities of Pakistan namely Islamabad, Karachi and Lahore were hailed with the students and political workers of Jamaat-e-Islami, a religious political party, chanting slogans at their highest pitches against homosexuals and America. For them it was a golden opportunity to kill both ‘the evils with a single stone’. Banners were displayed in major cities, especially in the federal capital, within a few days demanding persecution of gays and accusing Americans of propagating and imposing this ‘westernized’ idea. The lash back didn’t remain limited to the Jamaat-e-Islami only but sooner most of the political parties joined this bandwagon to form a coalition against the government for their menial political interests.

On the other hand, the Pakistani media, especially the local Urdu newspapers and channels dealt with the issue with their usual approach i.e. lacking all the required sensitivity and knowledge to handle this crucial issue. Their sole concern was to raise their TRP’s and circulations and that’s all. Although a few liberal and sensible voices were raised through articles by Nuwas Manto, Hashim bin Rasheed, Marvi Sirmed and Mohsin Sayeed but most of these were published in English dailies or in their online o-peds and blog sections while leaving a huge void for majority Urdu readers. There was a dire need to represent a sensitive and sensible portrayal of the issue in the Urdu media to counter the venomous articles and hate speeches by Orya Maqbool Jaan, Aamir Liaquat and Ibtisam Elahi Zaheer, who not only openly condemned homosexuals but also denounced them as sinful, non-Muslims, lesser than human beings and demanded capital punishment for them with full zeal.

Meanwhile, our media circulated and aired all this hate speech while completely overlooking its ethical and social responsibilities. I guess it’s high time that our mushrooming news channels and newspapers start differentiating between free speech and hate speech because without it, they are only damaging the fabric of an already complex and fragile society.

This unnecessary brouhaha by our sensational media started not only an untimely debate in our society but also in our households. I had never heard my mother, an ardent Urdu daily follower, having any strong stance against anyone, say it a murder, a rapist or a dacoit but one day she said, “All homosexuals should be stoned to death.”

Being a gay, living in Pakistan, from a traditional Muslim family background, it was already an ordeal to be myself but after this US Embassy triggered media frenzy things have turned even worse. The people I am out to, are now looking at me with a different perspective. They either consider me an undercover CIA agent with hidden agenda to ‘westernize’ the cultural values of Pakistan or look as if declaring that when the rogue mullahs will come and deliver me from my deadly sins, they will religiously mind their own business. This isn’t solely my own story but of several completely out or partially out queers in Pakistan. On the other hand one can imagine the suffering and tension of all those unheard, closeted voices, which were already afraid of coming out and pretending to be ‘normal’. The level of concern and uneasiness resulted from this highly inefficient and implausible event has made them even more vulnerable at the hands of the society, which is always ready to prosecute anyone different.

Surprisingly, it has also been reported that US embassy which claimed to “support LGBT rights in Pakistan” isn’t going to entertain LGBT Pakistanis for asylum. It’s as if that after starting a storm in the cocktail, they are also having an easy way out.

After talking to several local LGBT activists I have gathered two main stances regarding this whole fiasco and the future of Pakistani LGBT movement. A very small number of activists suggested that this event should be considered as a golden opportunity to come out formally and launch a full blown LGBT movement in Pakistan, after we had missed a similar opportunity in 2007 at the time of Shazina-Shumile case. On the other hand, the majority of the activists opined that it’s very sensitive and crucial time to come out and it’s better to remain underground for the survival of this movement. Change can be brought slowly and gradually, in safe and calculated ways. The recent incident where a young LGBT activist Falak Ali of Neegar Society was severely beaten up by the mullahs in the streets of Multan, a southern Punjab city, in the presence of police is just an example of the reaction of the public about this whole issue.

Still, Pakistani LGBT activists are hopeful and determined about the future of LGBT movement in Pakistan and they strongly believe that whenever there’s going to be any LGBT movement in Pakistan, it will be most definitely by Pakistani people for Pakistani people. No one else can decide or force the time for what and when we need to emancipate ourselves from the restrictions of the heterosexist society. We can have allies and support from other international organizations but the primary reinforces and stakeholders will be ourselves. Let’s hope for the times when Pakistani LGBT movement will be in full swing and our government will start accepting the existence of Pakistani LGBT.

(The Article was published in the July-August, 2011 issue of Gaylaxy magazine.)
Photo Courtesy: Google

Dear Maddy

Dear Maddy

You have no idea how much excited I was to meet you. For the very first time, I was going to see you in flesh and blood, and anticipating a more tangible association, which used to be a virtual connection several moons back. I was hell curious to see and know the guy with whom I had a four month virtual romance. I had several plans in my mind to make our day memorable, many things to talk about, many jokes to crack, many places to visit, many meals to eat, but as I came out of cab and you welcomed me formally without a smile, I thought I didn’t know you.
It seemed as if somebody else had disguised himself to be you. From there onwards, it was a journey of unsaid discomfort which was evident from every movement of your body. And I was going through it and I knew you were also living it and I was thinking why you came to see me? Was it a courtesy gesture, some vow you had taken or just a wrong decision you made in fit of a moment? Let me tell you that, seeing you in discomfort was making me feel guilty as if I had forced you to see me at gun point.
You were wearing blue, blue’s my favourite. Did you still remember that? I looked into your eyes while we were having cold coffee and there was everything except recognition. Did you know, you checked your cell 37 times precisely in our 2.5 hours long meeting? Did you know how many times I checked mine? Not for a single time. You were so aloof, so lost, so far away from me then that I was getting embarrassed. I had thought that we both had grown up since the break up and all the sour experiences and emotional damages have already been claimed and sorted out so for once in life, we could meet each other as nice friends. But you were not in the right state of mind to cherish all those happy memories of our virtual romantic past.
I wasn’t happy when you left me at the door step of that Sea View KFC all by myself as you had some stuff to do. I wanted to say, “Maddy! Look at me, this me Hadi, the same Hadi you used to love and wanted to meet so badly. For whom you were ready to die. I am the same Hadi man, just look at me for once. Don’t I count anymore? Doesn’t the twinkle of my eyes fascinate you any longer? Why, my million dollar smile, which used to get your attention easily, is unable to convince you to look at me, today?”
But I remained silent. I was feeling bottled up like a fizzy drink of confused emotions, potentially lamenting over the stale love once existed between us. For once in my life, I wanted to be all crying and wailing. I wanted to slap you, to curse you, to cry my heart out over what we had made out of our lives. I wanted to create brouhaha about all those unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished desires I had envisioned for us but couldn’t materialise.
Maddy! The fact of the matter is that I can live being unloved but I can’t survive being unwanted and you made me feel so that day when we met for the first time. You have no idea how hard it is to act like a stranger with someone you have been very close with. It reminds me of a poem by Faiz Ahmed Faiz which he wrote about his visit to Dhaka after the separation of East Pakistan. “Hum kay theray ajnabi, itni madaratoun kay baad, Phir banain gay aashna kitni mulaqataun kay baad…”

Regards
Hadi Hussain

Image Courtesy: Alex Bruda

Maddy-Hadi Saga

It was September of the same Fari year, after Arsi left Pakistan, I heard of a gay social network website called Manjam. My folks mentioned really interesting facts about it, how individual manipulate others, how much people lie, how hilarious people can be and above all, how desperate they can be. So, I thought of writing an article over it and being a true social researcher I made an account at Manjam. Oh my Lord! So many seemingly hot and nude men, which I learned latter were either some less popular models or photoshoped cases. But this make me realized one thing that gay men really put a lot of importance to good looks and I latter realized it when i started reading the profiles of people. Khair, I will write some other day about folks at Manjam but right now I am going to start my post about Maddy. It was during those research days when I met Maddy online at Manjam. Among all flooding superficial, into quick shag guys, he was different. First of all his profile was full of details regarding ABOUT ME. He messaged me and said, “I am jumping in excitement after reading your profile. It was interesting to actually come across someone whose profile has actually some write up instead of ASK ME everywhere”. And I was like “Well thanks for your comments.” I also read his profile and mailed him detailed comments. And then it all started. We exchanged email addresses and cell numbers and one day out of nowhere he called me up. And then after brief introductions, aspirations and aims in life, he said, “I want to officially ask you out for a date, though I am far away from you but I seriously want to take you out for a lunch someday”.
“Well thanks, I would love to go”.
“You got really nice voice by the way”.
“Thanks.”
I may be appearing such a dull guy after these dialogues and I accept it. I don’t give many compliments and when it’s about receiving compliments, well I suck really bad time. Most of the times I think other person is buttering me or making fun of me or lying and he/she doesn’t mean it. Though I am do love receiving compliments from friends and family because they rarely compliment me. But in general I don’t take people seriously, especially who are appreciating me. But I liked him saying all that. It was a strange kind of elated feeling which used to bring a big smile on my face.
He was living more than 800 Km away from me and slowly and gradually as we started talking to each other more and more, sharing all the things starting from Good morning to good night messages to having sex through sms and chats, things started getting complicated. Our expectations and demands started to show differences. For me he was an immature, severely depressed guy who is too stubborn to change and let go things. I was a mature authoritative, control freak who’s so impulsive that he couldn’t talk to me something good. We started having fights more regularly after first two months of our online connection. I desperately wanted to see him but he was would always say that he would come first to Lahore to see me and that wasn’t possible in the near future.
I had told him about Arsi and he told me that it’s his immense pleasure and luck to know a person like me, even if I weren’t going to love him, he would still want to be in contact with me. I was emotional involved with Maddy instead of Arsi and that was the truth. I knew that fact as I was having emotional connection with Maddy not with Arsi. I was so clear about that.
My writing abilities, my psychologist status, my activism and my handsomeness, especially my eyes were a complete turn on for him. He used to appreciate me for all these characteristics. I don’t know why he never talked about the reservations he had with me, the things he disliked about me. I was always protective about him and he took it to be as controlling, dominating and bad. Although my intentions were never so. And after almost a year after our breakup he kind of told me about the problems he had with me. Even Booze told me latter as he became friends with him.
What I liked about him, hmmmmm, he was really cute. I liked the way he used to say and text me, “My janu, my Hadi.” I still remember the first time he said so, I got tears in my eyes. He was Syed which was like a dream come true as I always used to idealize having a relation with some Syed due to its religious/spiritual significance in my mind. And there he was a gaddi nasheen (heir of a sufi/religious order) with followers in his native village.
Constant day to day life pressures, missing someone at one’s side, long distance, lack of frequency matching, immaturity of both of us, and constant rows and disagreements finally resulted up in a break up. We departed at a very casual stupid reason and I never thought so it was coming but then he wrote an email and deleted me from Facebook, from Gmail, from his cell and from his life. And I was like, okay it do happens Hadi, though I was in deep pain. I knew we were fighting but never once I thought of breaking up but I guess he had thought about it. I didn’t stop him or tried to contact him again till a year later when I got his number from Boze and I texted him and apologized for the bad things happened between us. And since then it’s also going to be a year now, we are on good terms. We talk more maturely and without any reservations. And it’s going good. I still remember that bhe used to say that he would die without me and I always used to reply him back, “Nae tum nae marro gay. Koi kisi kay liye nae marta.” (You willn’t die. No one dies for anyone.)
I met him 1.5 years after our break up and it was a disappointment because he wasn’t comfortable in meeting me. And it was evident from his body language and that made me feel guilty as if once again I had pressurized him to see me. We did talk about it later and he told me he wasn’t feeling well emotionally and psychologically that day. And I tried to understand.
I still cherish the e-time spend with him, the hours and hours of chatting and late night calls and super late night text messages. But life has to move on and we both have moved on, for good. I wish all the very best to him.

Image Courtesy: Danka K

Arsi-Hadi Finale

After that Suhag raat, Arsi left Pakistan for 6 months but remained in contact through calls and emails. Slowly and gradually our few mutual friends were sniffing something going on between us and we both were ok with that. One day, I got a call from him in which he was crying and on asking the reason, he told me that he has slept with a guy and was feeling guilty about it. It was almost two months after his departure. But I was ok with it and I said, “That’s what I told you will happen. It’s ok.”
“Are you angry at me.”
“No I am not because I can understand your loneliness and moment of despair. So, it’s ok don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter much to me.”
“Why it doesn’t matter to you.”
“Because I am a practical guy. I know about the realities and pressures one has to go through in this life and so chances of getting astray are higher.”
“Hmmmm…. Thanks for not making an issue out of it.”
“Cheers.”
But I knew internally that if I have been in love with him, my reaction would have been ballistic because I am one nerdy possessive guy of this time.
After six months he came back and I received him at the airport. We stayed together for the whole night and he jumped at me literally. And I wasn’t enjoying the stuff going on. In the morning when he got up and said, “Why don’t you go to a gym and lose some weight. I want people to look at my boyfriend and say, WOW what a guy.”
I was directly looking in to his face with sheer seriousness and getting the idea he covered that up with a stupid smile and a kiss and said, “Magar app to humain aisay bhi achay lagtay hain.” (But still I like you the way you are.)
I didn’t reply him and got out of bed and realised I didn’t love him and neither did he. For him I was just a contested prize he wanted to show off to the world. “Look! I got him, I screw him, I fuck him, I own him.”
I never let my parents to objectify me then how dare this filthy ugly hairy crap existing on the face of this earth is saying me so. I realised that I never loved him and I didn’t even want to try. And I couldn’t do sex with him because I can’t do sex with the person I don’t like. I liked him that night in his city but now the spell is over. Don’t think that he said few things one day and I decided otherwise. He has been asking me for penetrative sex, for losing weight, for getting me all over and controlling me and I have been letting things go. But after meeting him and having unpleasant sex with him, all of the things bothering me from the last six months made me finally decide what I wanted. So, end of the story.
P.S. He reportedly brought some fancy gifts which I never got because things weren’t well between us.
He has been doing sex randomly abroad.
And while doing a research at Manjam I was getting emotionally involved in someone during Arsi’s absence. And now I am gonna write about him.

(Image Courtesy: D. Sharon Pruitt)

Anal Fixation

It was my regular mid-week hang out with Vinnie and we were having our favorite chocolate mousse from a really yummy restaurant we had recently discovered from the plethora of the new budding restaurants. Lahore never runs out of food and new restaurants. Eating from the same cup of young (ya it was, by God), smooth and creamy mousse, Vinnie announced “Uff! Chocolate is so orgasmic.” And I was like, “Excuse me!! are you insane or something? How can chocolate give anyone a rush?”
“It can, you inexperienced virgin bitch.” She said cheekily.
“Hain (What)???”
I put out the spoon out of my (yummy) mouth (I bet it is) and intoned like a great leader ready for his winning speech “Sweety, I may not be as much experienced as my contemporaries are but I am not a virgin. You know all of my experiences in graphic detail. I don’t know then way you are defaming me.”
“I know that’s why I am saying this, loser.”
“Ho haye! (Oh) Can her highness be kind enough to explain the reason for overlooking my experiences and denouncing me as a virgin?”
“Yeah I can, I am a generous Princess.” She smiled back and then said, “You see, you haven’t done sex yet, I mean you have never been involved in penetration, not even into orals. Your sex experiences are so mediocre and low status in nature. I mean it’s like, “Vinnie Vinnie, look wind just passed by me and I had sex or Vinnie Vinnie he took my hand and I had sex.”
I was shocked, “You mean only penetration is that “high powered” kind of sex and all the other ones are low powered things to do which you don’t think are good enough to qualify as sex. What the fuck, I disagree.”
“You see in heterosexual sex, act of penetration is involved…”
“I am not a heterosexual…”
“I know, but majority of the people, gay people do that.”
“Don’t preach might is right philosophy to me, Ok. And don’t say that I am still a virgin. I hate this word.” I closed the discussion there and then because I realized I receive similar reaction from the Pink community as well. People are so much obsessed about anal sex and I am unable to identify why exactly gaiety means anal sex. I have met a few guys in their questioning phase saying that they didn’t want to have anal sex. Was that really important to be gay and to have anal sex?
I went through same questions during my coming out. I didn’t feel like having anal sex but almost every gay guy around me would say how can you be gay then? What about oral?? No??? Strange, are you really gay? Then what you will do in bed honey, just holding hands? It was so depressing and pressurizing for me to handle and process all that shit. I remembered that if ever I would share my experiences, they would start laughing and saying, “You are still a virgin and virginity isn’t a dignity, it’s just lack of opportunity.”
Whole gay sex politics revolves around top/bottom dichotomy and its very basis is heteronormative in nature. Being a top (the one who penetrates) is associated with manliness, power and control and is considered to be of high stature whereas being a bottom (one who gets penetrated) is associated with womanliness, dependency, the one who can be controlled and of low stature. In heterosexual context, penetration (hard core feminist may excuse me) may be justified for child bearing but in homosexual context, its obligation doesn’t make any sense. The question here arise that whether the gay men are trying (consciously or unconsciously) to imitate heteronormative sexual dynamics to themselves, if yes then why?
One day I was really depressed about all this shit and shared my thoughts with Gaia. She became furious and said, “Fuck them all who say this to you. Lanant hai, phelay bunda straight logon kay mutabik bunnay ke koshsish karta rahay, phir ab yeh log humain batain kay hum kaisay achay GAY bun saktay hain.” (Fie on them, first we try to live our lives as straight people want us to live and now these gay people are suggesting us how to be a good gay.)
I did the same; I never resigned to their suggestions because what I do in my bed is of no one’s concern. No one can define what is SEX for me and what I like and want to do in SEX. So, it’s a wide call for everyone out there that if you don’t want to do anything just doesn’t do it. Sex involves a whole range of variant pleasing activities; don’t feel compelled to follow any pattern you don’t want to follow, even if your partner insists. It’s your body, it’s your life, and it’s your SEX. Enjoy SEX, the way you want it.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)

Coming Out Story

Coming out has been an extremely audacious and strident process for me as it seemed next to impossibility to accept myself as who I am as the dynamics of Pakistani society are quite unique from Western cultures. At times being considered as a homosocial society, where men experience more same sex physical proximity and intimacy than any average American or British, but with the rapid globalization, the stigma has also been attached to this seemingly homosocial behavior.

Being brought up in a traditional middle class family of Lahore, I have always been discouraged to ask questions and been advised to conform to pre-existing knowledge and cultural values without getting skeptical about it. But I was a born inquisitive child for whom Whys, Whos, Hows and Whats has been very important. And I guess, this is the result of my innate curiosity and inquisitiveness which made me realize and accept my gaiety. My questions were regarded as the biggest dilemma of my childhood life as my elders used to say, “Pata nae yeh iitni ajeeb ajeeb baatain kyun karta hai? Hum nay to kabhi koi sawal nae poacha tha apnay bazarguan say. Bus un ke har baat maan letay thay chup kar kay.” (We don’t know why he asks so many questions. We have never raised questions as kids; instead we used to follow our elders without questioning them”.

This thinking pattern is a part of our collective unconscious that my parents, grand parents and perhaps great grand parents all were that kind of individuals who were used to of spending life in accordance to what they have passed on to them under the name of morality and value system. Any possible diversion from those mythical and folklore based traditions was considered unholy and blasphemous. But, things were different for me. It was not a matter of me being gay but generally I was different from other children of my age. I have individual opinion or tried to have one.

I tend to see certain level of pseudo morality, injustice and hypocrisy within the framework of norms handed over to me. I could never understood than why the hell we Sunnais (followers of a majority sect in Islam) need to hate Shias (followers of a minority sect in Islam) when they are Muslims as well? Why the men have given an edge over women in Islam when I see my father been rude to my mother? I never got satisfied with the replies to those questions than but now I have come to know that only heteronormativity is way to go. But I never bought that thought and from that’s where my story starts.

I knew from day one, as far as I can remember, that I liked men. This awareness came when I was 6 or 7 years old and one night, after my parents went to sleep, I tuned TV and started watching an old Lollywood movie. In one scene, the protagonist came shirtless and that was the moment, I guess when I felt something different, something I was unable to define at that time. I still remember that the next day, I couldn’t concentrate in my school and had severe headache. What I was feeling at that time was mixture of shame, joy, fear and guilt.
My way of talking, walking, behaving and expressing thing was different and that enough clue for my father who tried to carve out a physical and emotional hard core man out of me after his friends and relatives started pointing out potential feminine streaks in me. Alarmed by the situation, he did what every conscious father might have done and I quite intelligently dealt with the situation by manipulating my walk, talk and behavior like the man I was expected of becoming. A prototype my father and my society have carved for me. I were 10-11 years old than.
I knew that whenever I see ‘my kind of guy’, I did experience warm sensation on my face or a flutter in my chest. But I always used to lower down my eyes and shun my feelings. Considering it an abnormal feeling and budding a disease, I even used to pray to Allah to take this scourage of perversity away from me, but he never did. Why, I came to know latter in my life?

Being bullied at school for being gay as well as a chubby kid, I turned out as an extremely aggressive and emotionally aloof man who gives shit about everything around him. Actually, it was a defense mechanism, a kind of maneuvering to repel people away from me, in the fear that they might stigmatize me. Wearing that mask, I used to think that my ordeal was over but it was becoming tougher as I entered in college. Been exposed to a large number of men, badly managing my newly acquired puberty and having no one to confine in, I was heading towards a complete disaster.
But, somehow, out of blue, I befriended a college fellow and unexpectedly one fine day we both started talking about this issue after cracking a Pathan joke (Pathans/Khans jokes are renowned for having a gay twist). And I came out to him and to my surprise, he also joined me in this coming out. I can’t how much relieved and unburdened I felt that day after sharing my loathsome secret with him. But still being Muslims, we considered it a sin and perversion. After that I just happened to identify and befriend with several other boys in campus with the same orientation. It was indeed a strengthening experience for me as I realized that I wasn't alone. Whether, it was a disease or a perversion, a natural calamity or choice, than I wasn’t the only one, there is a whole lot with same thing.
Than as I moved for my graduation and than Masters, I started doing research regarding this issue while continuously praying to Allah every day, in the awe that one fine day, He would take pity on me and let me find a solution for it. I came across the scientific research evidences, both medical and psychological literature, which clearly states that it’s a natural phenomena not a matter of choice and knew it by heart that I never opted for it and it was natural for me unlike an 'adopted perversion.'
But that scientific scholarship was hardly enough for me because being a traditional Muslim I had been told that it’s forbidden in Islam. And I don't want to forgo my religion for my orientation's sake. I still remember how terrible those fruitless ‘research’ days were when nothing functional was coming out of it. Capital punishment or celibacy, that's what Islam seemed to offer me at that time, what I needed wasn't any permission to have sex with a man. That was hardly enough. What I was actually looking to have a way to envision a life of love, intimacy and commitment with a man in the context of a religiously alive traditional Islam. And finally, one day, just like a guardian angel, I met my expatriate cousin, who has been researching the issue of homosexuality within Islamic literature. He shared extremely valuable information with me regarding the alternative view points on the issue based upon the analysis of Quran, Hadith and Islamic jurisprudence. I gave a thorough study to the works of Scott Siraj ul Haqq Kugle, Daayiee Abdullah, Muhsin Hendricks, Pamela Taylor, Samar Habib and other distinguished scholars, analyzed their work, revaluated it and followed my spiritual institution and than finally I came up with my stance. I realized that Allah don't hate me, He doesn't detest me. And that my gayness is a hard wired element of my personality, which can't be changed and why should it be changed because it’s a manifestation of my Allah's diversity, not a moral failing.
After this, my attitude towards my own self as well as towards others started changing for the better. I became more confident, happy, peaceful and contented while further disseminating this positivity. From that day onwards I decided to educate, help and facilitate people in general and sexual minorities in particular, with all the resources available to me. I wish that one day; all sexual minorities will get full and complete acceptance, not tolerance or sympathy, but complete acceptance for their difference. I know it’s difficult, but I’ll continue to work for this cause. This was me, Hadi Hussain and that was my story.

(This article was published in the July-August issue of Gaylaxy Magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Rudy Tiben)

Queer Activism in Pakistan

Recently I came across an interview of Ali Saleem aka Begum Nawazish Ali by Vishwas Kukarni from Times of India. When Saleem was asked about gay life in Pakistan, he replied back, “….everybody is free to be whatever they want to be. I've never heard of any discrimination based on sexuality….” It might be sensational publicity claptrap (for Big Boss season 4) or a way to project ‘the enlighted moderation’ (a motto General Pervaz Musharraf gave and Saleem followed it by heart) for him but for every LBGT individual living in Pakistan, it was a blatant display of ignorance and irresponsibility. His statement reminded me of General Musharaf’s equally insane and outrageous statement proclaiming “No gays in Pakistan.” Call it Saleem’s elitist myopia for such ignorance because if you are resourceful; with family members in bureaucracy or in army or if you have oil wells pumping in your backyard (as Maya Angelou said) only than you can get away with anything. Otherwise you will have to pay for yours as well as of others’ sins for not being the blessed one.
Such obnoxious incidents and irresponsible comments don’t only trivialize the on-going harassment of LGBT individuals but also damaging the budding LGBT movement in Pakistan. Therefore a serious and responsible representation of Pakistani LGBT community is required so that the real voices can be raised and listened globally.
During my course of work for LGBT community in Pakistan, I have come across a plethora of issues. Starting from the most frequently asked question, “Why LGBT rights are needed? to the myths attached to parallel sexualities; or the lack of culturally relevant research discourses to the absence of non-derogatory terms and literary expressions for LGBT individuals, or the discrimination and violence individuals with alternate sexualities face to the ever popular sexuality-Islam (religion) debate, there is so much to explore and to work on as it’s a completely unexplored issue in Pakistan.
Now I will try to address all the potentially important areas of LGBT activism in Pakistan, one by one. Every single day I came across people asking why it’s important to struggle for LGBT rights when women haven’t gotten there’s, when religious minorities face injustice and when there is a on-going war on terrorism within the land of pure. Why to make such a brouhaha and making this non-issue an issue? To address this issue, firstly we need to understand who is deciding what is important and what is not. And this idea of becoming ‘important’ also varies from person to person. Secondly, having other issues doesn’t lessen the importance of LGBT rights rather they require more attention as various organizations and NGOs are working for the empowerment of women and minorities in Pakistan but LGBT issues are always brushed under the carpet (Although there are some NGOs working with Hijra community only and its limited to HIV/AIDS and sexual health). We need to understand and accept the fact that LGBT rights are actually human rights and without recognizing and implementing them we can’t call Pakistan a civil society.
Every time, I look around or talk to my fellow queer folks, I hear that people laugh about their sexual and gender identity and I believe media is responsible for this at large. Because look at any movie or play, LGBT characters are added to raise the humor quotient of the project with typical stereotypical depiction. I just want to say to all those torch bearers of infotainments that LGBT people are neither laughing stocks nor side kicks. They are serious individuals with a lot more seriousness about their lives than any average heterosexual person.
Then there are several myths regarding LGBT especially about male homosexuality. Generally, public think it’s a disorder which need to be treated, than it’s all about sex, sex and sex. Queers are promiscuous, potentially atheists without any moral values, have been victims of childhood sexual abuse and are pedophiles in disguise and the devil-list goes on. All these myths are primary contributors for developing stereotypes which further cause violence and discrimination of LGBT individuals. Therefore, we need to address these myths with patience and to spread awareness regarding the community because otherwise nobody is going to relearn his/her social behavior. Another issue attached to it the problem of language and terminology we found in Urdu or other regional languages. All we have is chakka, khusra, zanana, baji, moorat, double paratha, double sim, londaybaz, pathaon ke barfi etc and all of them are slangs or abuses. There’s a huge drench of gender neutral and non-derogatory vocabulary for LGBT which should also be culturally relevant. Moreover, we need to document experiences and life histories of LGBT individuals along with empirical researches exploring different facets of queerness.
Talking of sexual orientation in Pakistan, how one can get away without discussing Islam. Religion has occupied an undeniable holy stature in the lives of Pakistanis and as soon as they hear of queerness or queer rights, everyone even the least practicing Muslims will come up and say its haram and that queers are meant to be damned. Although, mainstream religious scholars and interpretations of texts suggest capital punishment for what they think is male homosexuality. There isn’t strong enough evidence for punishing lesbians or bisexuals whereas intersexual have been granted some rights but most of the population is unaware of them. However, there are alternative approaches put forward by several Islamic scholars and Imams like Daayie Abdullah, Mohsin Hendricks, Sitti Musda, Amina Wadud, Irshad Manji and several others which postulate that homosexuality isn’t haram in Islam.
To deal with all the above mentioned issues in a professional manner, it’s pivotal to get proper trainings to enhance the required skills required for doing queer activism. Because only than we will be able to render proper services to the community. Moreover, we need to establish a social support system for LGBT community in Pakistan which will provide them an opportunity to interact with like minded people and to be friends with but as well as act as surrogate family in the time of need.
Queer activism in Pakistan has still a long way to go because things are just starting off but a time will come when we will march down the roads chanting slogans and raising rainbow flags and telling everyone that we are queer and we are proud of it. Only than we will be able to make this land of ours truly a Rainbowistan.

(The article was published in Oct-Dec 2010 issue of Gaylaxy magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Pakistan Queer Movement PQM, Nuwas Manto)

Existing on the Fringe

Back in 2005, when I was working on a story exploring the deplorable conditions of intersexuals and hermaphrodites living in Pakistan, I wasn’t aware of the fact that there is something like ‘Transsexual or Transgender’ and that they are different from hermaphrodites. But I took the initiative and educate myself about the dynamics and cultural intricacies of diverse sexual identities living in Pakistan. The case of Shazina-Shumaile came up in 2007 which not only provided me an opportunity to study this issue in detail but also unveiled the blatant and irresponsible faces of media and social/moral dictators of Pakistan. Even having not a single clause in the penal code adequately applying to Shazina-Shumaile, the Lahore High Court still sentenced that allegedly “same sex couple” for three years. However, the sentence was adjourned after the interruption and constant pressure from a senior local psychiatrist and ASR resource center (human rights organization).

Recently in May 2010, when Rawalpindi bench of Lahore High Court had permitted Sami Saleem to go through sex reassignment surgery (SRS), I was anticipating the same kind of uncanny response over this historic decision in the legal history of Pakistan where the state has granted the permission for sex change operation to a biologically male but the breaking news got lost as Lahore was havocked with horrendous blasts just a day after the decision.

As an aftermath, I decided to pen down this article, especially for the readers of Pink Pages and conducted interviews of two really amazing and resilient transsexuals (Omi and Nenu, both Male to Female) to whom I am highly obliged for trusting and sharing their personal lives with me.

Omi is an undergrad student and challenges heteronormativity through critical social discourse on his blog.

Nenu is a commerce graduate and works for a newsweekly.

You define yourself as a transsexual, how do you relate to it?

Omi: Sometimes I think it was a lot easier when the only word I knew for describing myself was ‘zanana’, which can be translated literally as ‘womanlike man’. It was never fixed for me, and even now no feeling of identity is consistent. Since my childhood, I was sharply aware of my body and people’s attitudes toward my gender non-conformity. I just talked, walked and thought differently and then somewhere down the line when I had to deal with issues of acceptance and view myself from the mindset of rigid social order, I felt that I would never be able to live up to the ideals of manhood. Therefore, I consciously started defining myself as a girl in a boy’s body. But now, my transsexuality also has a political flavor, whereby I see myself as committed to femininity as a way of being. But, like I said, this has kept changing, and even now I see myself riven with contradictions.

Nenu: I feel like having body dysmorphic disorder. My identity is androgynous, neither fit for any gender box nor do I want it to be. It’s a matter of distorted body image or whatever that I don’t relate to being male. As regards to hair and make-up and fashion? It’s a thing I need to learn…but it would only be for special occasions when I’d like to dress up like a woman.

What were the problems you have faced in your life course due to your identity?

Omi: Mainly psychological and social anxiety. It has gotten better now, but I still remain borderline agoraphobic. At times, I feel prone to compulsions as a way of escaping myself and my social responsibilities.

Nenu: Not many. I guess they will come up when I will dress up in woman clothes or will entertain any such desire. But I will better keep it to myself. I have never behaved effeminately or expressed myself in any such way, publicly. Personally, I am a shy and insecure individual and most of the people regard these traits as feminine. I, although, completely disagree with this notion.

For any one living in Pakistan, family and religion earns a huge amount of space in one’s personal life, how do you reconcile with these social institutes while having a non-heteronormative identity?

Omi: Mostly, by assuming an outward heteronormative identity. Isn’t that all we can do? As for family and religion, yes those two are very important to me, and that is why, I think, I couldn’t shut my family out from my internal struggles. I ‘came out’ to them as gay, because that was the only label I knew of then. But at the same I also explained my sexuality in terms of a trans identity, reminding them how this was only natural for a girly boy like me. Even now, I find it easier to talk to them if I distance myself from the stigma of same-sex desire, although I do it not by faking heteronormativity, but by telling them that I never intend to act on it, explaining to them how for me the love of God will be enough, quoting Rabia Basri’s mystic verse. In a way, I believe it to be true as well, as I find sexual desire very limiting and problematic. In my relationship as well, I am more concerned with the emotional aspects of it than the sexual, and increasingly, experience lower and lower sex drive.

Nenu: My Family now knows and does not like it, but I do not bother them with initiating the conversation ever. Of course, it does come along when they are trying to pursue me to get married. Otherwise I steer clear of it. The fact is that I do not express myself the way I can, so although I am not being true to myself, I am out of trouble. Religion is not a problem unless it creeps up in my “discussions” with family. Also it helps that both Sunni and Shia authorities have issued fatwas declaring sex-change operations permissible. The question that this may be immoral or “unnatural” has taken quite some of my time, but I now think, aeroplanes, cars, clothes, houses…everything may be considered unnatural taken in such a context.

Did you look for any support and why?

Omi: I look for community. I think there should be a parallel world where I can feel at home, have the feeling of family. A community I can grow old with. Individualism – it’s not for me. I think an LGBT community can do this, as most of us ‘deviants’ here in Pakistan live lonely lives and understand how important community is. I also want to open myself up to people, get out of the mental closet I’ve put myself in.

Nenu: I did not, although I did make an online friend who introduced me to a local LGBT support group which has helped me loads. I am albeit slowly, getting over my social inhibitions and becoming more confident each day by trying out new ways to express myself whenever I am around them.

Tell us about your intimate relations, how they have been. (And if you haven’t any than what do you think is the reason behind it)

Omi: I’ve only had one relationship, which is ongoing, though now I call it complicated and see it as a marriage of convenience. It was love for both of us. It not only made me comfortable with my body but also made me accept masculinity; his masculinity and mine own. We see each other as fairly androgynous, although I think an initial issue for the both of us was that we made each other feel like girls. It seems silly now, though. But because this relationship happened outside the context of community, there were two problems: A. I invested too much in it and B. We two are stranded, unable to share our issues with anybody else. My boyfriend is more adjusted in the heteronormative social life; there is huge chunk of his everyday life in which he has to forget all about us, which I find increasingly unacceptable.

Nenu: I have never been into any and the reasons are varied. I am an extremely shy and asocial person. Hence I did not ask anyone out and if anyone ever shows any interest in me, I simply freak out. Another reason would be the dilemma in my head, a straight man/lesbian woman would want me as a woman, which I am not, and a gay man/straight woman would want me as a man, the thought of which makes me weird.

Have you thought about the aftermath of your post operation situation? What kind of problems, if any, you think you will face and how you will deal with them?

Omi: Well, I imagine myself going through SRS in a situation beyond my current family responsibilities. There are some expectations of family and friends that I can fulfil, career-wise. So for now I’ve basically postponed it indefinitely. When I do go through it, I think there will be a lot of issues, but I don’t see how that would be any more difficult than what I’ve already been through.

Nenu: I do not expect any kind of problems until and unless I am comfortable in my own skin, especially in intimate relationships. As far as social situations are concerned, I have been taking hormone treatment from a long time and still living full time as a man which at times create a socially ambiguous situation publicly.

Recently Sami has been granted the legal permission for sex change operation. Does this decision make any difference to you? Why and how?

Omi: Yes, it does. When it happened, I told my mom all about it. I’m hoping that with the court allowing Sami (who is a proper functioning male) to go through SRS and not telling him to fix his behaviour or take male hormones like my parents have always wanted me to, they would realize that it’s not just my ‘stubbornness’ and fixing really cannot happen.

Nenu: Sami’s case is very momentous as now when I would require legal permission, I can use this case as a precedent and have better chances of being granted the same.

(This article has been published in the October, 2010 issue of Pink Pages
Magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Diego Medrano)