THE GUY WHO WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH ME

The title suggests the reason I fell for Kim. I just can’t explain how intimate, emotional and special it was for me because no one had ever said anything like that to me and I was literally touched by the emotions embedded in this idea of romantic longevity. It’s said that dreaming is pivotal to human growth if chased, but online dreams; well think again. The communication between me and Kim continued for almost a month and it was a full on emotional roller coaster lifetime experience. Ideally I should have given up the idea of having another online marshmallow affair after Maddy but I thought that there was something special about Kim because of the things he used to say like having a monogamous committed romantic relationship, growing old together, raising kids etc. At that time, I used to wonder how come a guy can actually say the things which I desperately want to hear. He was an IT professional (the field I look up with a childlike amazement because of my lack of understanding to it), almost of my age (which made me think he was mature), could draw sketches (how romantic), can write poems (though I didn’t write his style but still a talent close to my heart), well educated (which is very important for me) and even wanted to study further. Initially I was skeptical another online, long distance affair but I thought of giving myself and him a chance and the vision he had about our lives together was so attractive that I just couldn’t resist and fell for him and that dream. I still remember when Sanu, a friend advised me to be cautious about him when he came to know about the nature of my contact with him and the ‘advanced level’ progress we were having in such a short time. I wish I had taken his advice seriously then but I guess if I had then I wouldn’t have learned what Kim taught me. When I shared my reluctance about our online and long distance communication and asked how its going to work, he showed me another dream of moving to Lahore for me from his native city Karachi. Though, let me accept that it made me felt happy internally and satisfied my sense of worth but still advised him not to make such an important decision just because of me to which he replied that he need a change and has been looking for moving out of Karachi, either for studies or for work. Another fact which makes Kim different was his bisexuality and that seemed to be the only thing at that moment I wasn’t sure to go about. I have a very close friend who is bisexual but she’s a women and I didn’t think that it will be same in the case of a bisexual man. It wasn’t a matter of biphobia but the thing was that I had never been with any bisexual and it seemed like me potentially fighting on two fronts, i.e. both men and women. So, while talking to Kim about it, I started reading stuff about bisexuality in order to know him better. While dreaming about having a future together, I was enjoying all the attention and his frank assertion of ‘being in love’ with me over Facebook. Apart from making me (a person with low self-esteem which I compensate by being sarcastic and at times rude) feel ‘desired’, on one hand this showering of cyber affection was an emancipating experience where we both were claiming the space for the non-heteronormative love while on the other hand while expressing his love, he used to ‘claim’ me in a very hyper masculine manner which sounded chauvinist and highly heteronormative to me and there were moments when I used to feel as if I was a commodity or property been ‘owned’ by some man. Very soon, this very cyber space turned out to be a battle ground for him as he started throwing tantrums to me and others, stalking me and directing me about the what/whom/how of my online communication. Having fights over Facebook comments, likes; seemed a regular normal action for him and I was expected to support him in all his vengeance strikes. And if I failed to succumb to what I supposed to do, I was labeled as being ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unloving’. I soon realized that he was suspicious of my online as well as off line communication with guys. Even he asked me several times to confess about ‘never existing’ sexual/romantic relationship with Boze as we both friends were/are very close to each other. And after my repeated explanations why it just never happened, he would start questioning why not. Moreover, he was obsessed about having me in contact with him around the clock because ‘he loved me,’ and was ‘expressive’ about it. Everything was happening so quickly that I just couldn’t think properly where I was going and what I should do about this. All I knew during those days was more stress with less personal space and I was continuously giving this feedback to myself that ‘He loves me.’ I never realized when this potential ‘janam janam ka sath’ (love for all times) turned emotionally and psychologically abusive. And as if I haven’t enough yet, one day he texted that he came out to his parents and things were really worst between him and his family. He doubted that our communication would be blocked soon and so he wanted me to be with him during that bad phase of his life and I affirmed his confidence in me though I wanted to say, ‘What the fuck’ because just a night before this incident we both talked and explored the consequences of his coming out to his parents and I was agitated why he changed his decision in the morning, without taking me in confidence as it was also related to me. He said that he wanted to come out because of me (though I never asked him to do so) and to formally announce to his parents that he’s not marrying any girl as he had me. In the evening, I got text from his number asking me never to contact Kim again and that was the moment I feared the most. That was too much for me to handle and I freaked out completely and didn’t know what I had done if Boze and Gaia wouldn’t have been there for me. I was worried about his well-being and didn’t know how to go about it. I was sure that being an adult and independent guy, he would be in a better position to cope with it but I was proved wrong when after few days when he contacted me from a different number and told me that his father had beaten up him with a belt and all modes of his communication like cell phone and internet were terminated for few days, he even remained in a ‘house arrest’ for a day or so. On the one hand I was horrified what he has been through and on the other hand I was unable to understand that how could an adult man be so helpless in 21st century. He further blamed me for leaving him in doldrums and didn’t know how to react to it. Latter in the evening, after having the situational analysis, I asked him to re-locate to Lahore secretively as living with his family in Karachi wasn’t plausible for him but he disagreed to it and he told me that he was shopping with his parents and bought them nice goodies and they all happy and pleasant again, and I was like ‘OK’. Another thing I couldn’t understand about him and his parents. Few days later, my fraternal grandmother died and I couldn’t remain in contact with him for few hours and he got another fault in me. At that time I thought that to smoothen up our connection and for the better understanding of each other, I should visit Karachi but he told me that he was unsure of meeting me and I was shocked and felt hurt about it. I don’t know whether it was a deciding point in our connection or my tolerance for taking shit expired and I thought of calling it off but still didn’t want to take initiative. Because I didn’t want to take the responsibility of calling it off, even although I had become a total disaster since the day I came to know him. Finally, one day I was busy with stuff and he got pissed off because I wasn’t replying to him thus he thankfully deleted me from his cyber world and announced the termination of our online connection and relation (if it can be called one). I actually took several sighs of relief but story doesn’t end here and few days later I was informed through a common friend that he attempted suicide which reasserted my belief of not having him in my life because his psychological instability needs professional help, not me. After sometime, he contacted me again and desired to have me back but knowing all our history I declined to do so and that connection even ended up in fight and blame game. At that time, I was happily ready to take all the blame and responsibility but not to have him back in my life. He never contacted me again and neither did I. Now when I look back, I didn’t have any hard feelings or regret about it because that experience helped to learn more about the people and life. It’s much better to remember him as the guy who used to call me late night and make me laugh by acting like a woman or a child over phone.

Dear Maddy

Dear Maddy

You have no idea how much excited I was to meet you. For the very first time, I was going to see you in flesh and blood, and anticipating a more tangible association, which used to be a virtual connection several moons back. I was hell curious to see and know the guy with whom I had a four month virtual romance. I had several plans in my mind to make our day memorable, many things to talk about, many jokes to crack, many places to visit, many meals to eat, but as I came out of cab and you welcomed me formally without a smile, I thought I didn’t know you.
It seemed as if somebody else had disguised himself to be you. From there onwards, it was a journey of unsaid discomfort which was evident from every movement of your body. And I was going through it and I knew you were also living it and I was thinking why you came to see me? Was it a courtesy gesture, some vow you had taken or just a wrong decision you made in fit of a moment? Let me tell you that, seeing you in discomfort was making me feel guilty as if I had forced you to see me at gun point.
You were wearing blue, blue’s my favourite. Did you still remember that? I looked into your eyes while we were having cold coffee and there was everything except recognition. Did you know, you checked your cell 37 times precisely in our 2.5 hours long meeting? Did you know how many times I checked mine? Not for a single time. You were so aloof, so lost, so far away from me then that I was getting embarrassed. I had thought that we both had grown up since the break up and all the sour experiences and emotional damages have already been claimed and sorted out so for once in life, we could meet each other as nice friends. But you were not in the right state of mind to cherish all those happy memories of our virtual romantic past.
I wasn’t happy when you left me at the door step of that Sea View KFC all by myself as you had some stuff to do. I wanted to say, “Maddy! Look at me, this me Hadi, the same Hadi you used to love and wanted to meet so badly. For whom you were ready to die. I am the same Hadi man, just look at me for once. Don’t I count anymore? Doesn’t the twinkle of my eyes fascinate you any longer? Why, my million dollar smile, which used to get your attention easily, is unable to convince you to look at me, today?”
But I remained silent. I was feeling bottled up like a fizzy drink of confused emotions, potentially lamenting over the stale love once existed between us. For once in my life, I wanted to be all crying and wailing. I wanted to slap you, to curse you, to cry my heart out over what we had made out of our lives. I wanted to create brouhaha about all those unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished desires I had envisioned for us but couldn’t materialise.
Maddy! The fact of the matter is that I can live being unloved but I can’t survive being unwanted and you made me feel so that day when we met for the first time. You have no idea how hard it is to act like a stranger with someone you have been very close with. It reminds me of a poem by Faiz Ahmed Faiz which he wrote about his visit to Dhaka after the separation of East Pakistan. “Hum kay theray ajnabi, itni madaratoun kay baad, Phir banain gay aashna kitni mulaqataun kay baad…”

Regards
Hadi Hussain

Image Courtesy: Alex Bruda

Maddy-Hadi Saga

It was September of the same Fari year, after Arsi left Pakistan, I heard of a gay social network website called Manjam. My folks mentioned really interesting facts about it, how individual manipulate others, how much people lie, how hilarious people can be and above all, how desperate they can be. So, I thought of writing an article over it and being a true social researcher I made an account at Manjam. Oh my Lord! So many seemingly hot and nude men, which I learned latter were either some less popular models or photoshoped cases. But this make me realized one thing that gay men really put a lot of importance to good looks and I latter realized it when i started reading the profiles of people. Khair, I will write some other day about folks at Manjam but right now I am going to start my post about Maddy. It was during those research days when I met Maddy online at Manjam. Among all flooding superficial, into quick shag guys, he was different. First of all his profile was full of details regarding ABOUT ME. He messaged me and said, “I am jumping in excitement after reading your profile. It was interesting to actually come across someone whose profile has actually some write up instead of ASK ME everywhere”. And I was like “Well thanks for your comments.” I also read his profile and mailed him detailed comments. And then it all started. We exchanged email addresses and cell numbers and one day out of nowhere he called me up. And then after brief introductions, aspirations and aims in life, he said, “I want to officially ask you out for a date, though I am far away from you but I seriously want to take you out for a lunch someday”.
“Well thanks, I would love to go”.
“You got really nice voice by the way”.
“Thanks.”
I may be appearing such a dull guy after these dialogues and I accept it. I don’t give many compliments and when it’s about receiving compliments, well I suck really bad time. Most of the times I think other person is buttering me or making fun of me or lying and he/she doesn’t mean it. Though I am do love receiving compliments from friends and family because they rarely compliment me. But in general I don’t take people seriously, especially who are appreciating me. But I liked him saying all that. It was a strange kind of elated feeling which used to bring a big smile on my face.
He was living more than 800 Km away from me and slowly and gradually as we started talking to each other more and more, sharing all the things starting from Good morning to good night messages to having sex through sms and chats, things started getting complicated. Our expectations and demands started to show differences. For me he was an immature, severely depressed guy who is too stubborn to change and let go things. I was a mature authoritative, control freak who’s so impulsive that he couldn’t talk to me something good. We started having fights more regularly after first two months of our online connection. I desperately wanted to see him but he was would always say that he would come first to Lahore to see me and that wasn’t possible in the near future.
I had told him about Arsi and he told me that it’s his immense pleasure and luck to know a person like me, even if I weren’t going to love him, he would still want to be in contact with me. I was emotional involved with Maddy instead of Arsi and that was the truth. I knew that fact as I was having emotional connection with Maddy not with Arsi. I was so clear about that.
My writing abilities, my psychologist status, my activism and my handsomeness, especially my eyes were a complete turn on for him. He used to appreciate me for all these characteristics. I don’t know why he never talked about the reservations he had with me, the things he disliked about me. I was always protective about him and he took it to be as controlling, dominating and bad. Although my intentions were never so. And after almost a year after our breakup he kind of told me about the problems he had with me. Even Booze told me latter as he became friends with him.
What I liked about him, hmmmmm, he was really cute. I liked the way he used to say and text me, “My janu, my Hadi.” I still remember the first time he said so, I got tears in my eyes. He was Syed which was like a dream come true as I always used to idealize having a relation with some Syed due to its religious/spiritual significance in my mind. And there he was a gaddi nasheen (heir of a sufi/religious order) with followers in his native village.
Constant day to day life pressures, missing someone at one’s side, long distance, lack of frequency matching, immaturity of both of us, and constant rows and disagreements finally resulted up in a break up. We departed at a very casual stupid reason and I never thought so it was coming but then he wrote an email and deleted me from Facebook, from Gmail, from his cell and from his life. And I was like, okay it do happens Hadi, though I was in deep pain. I knew we were fighting but never once I thought of breaking up but I guess he had thought about it. I didn’t stop him or tried to contact him again till a year later when I got his number from Boze and I texted him and apologized for the bad things happened between us. And since then it’s also going to be a year now, we are on good terms. We talk more maturely and without any reservations. And it’s going good. I still remember that bhe used to say that he would die without me and I always used to reply him back, “Nae tum nae marro gay. Koi kisi kay liye nae marta.” (You willn’t die. No one dies for anyone.)
I met him 1.5 years after our break up and it was a disappointment because he wasn’t comfortable in meeting me. And it was evident from his body language and that made me feel guilty as if once again I had pressurized him to see me. We did talk about it later and he told me he wasn’t feeling well emotionally and psychologically that day. And I tried to understand.
I still cherish the e-time spend with him, the hours and hours of chatting and late night calls and super late night text messages. But life has to move on and we both have moved on, for good. I wish all the very best to him.

Image Courtesy: Danka K

Arsi-Hadi I

I met Fari for the last time in June and by the end of July I met Arsi through a mutual friend. He wasn’t a good looking guy but somehow he was raw, from his heavily hairy chest to his wheatish complexion, to his square jaw to the yummy stubble, he seemed to be a wild beast in bed (I expected so) and that’s what I liked about him. After Fari, I was so much busy in my professional life and my activism that I didn’t get that emotional went out period, no hibernation or depression phase been observed, just a few days of low mood and then life took it’s pace.
During our first meet up, he got inspired by me (that’s what he said to his friends) by the way I have sorted out my queerness and the way I was comfortable in my skin. My activism, my writings, my fair complexion, was big turn on for him. By profession, he was an engineer, just like Fari and he was leaving Pakistan in a month or so when I met him very first time.
After the first meet up, we met twice with our mutual friends and both times I was the focus of his attention and I was enjoying that, the way he was looking at me, it was making me feel so yummy. He even joked about getting into a relationship for the few weeks he was left with and I was all laughing and flirting.
In one of those meetings, he asked me to join him for a farewell party his best buddy was throwing up for him and I was kind of unsure of actually going but when I learnt my friends will be there, I said ok, I’ll come. Party was nice, though it was very hot but really nice music, men on dancing floor, tasty Biryani and naked men(rather man, he himself put off his shirt and started dancing while pondifying me, lols), really made it worthy. Near dawn when we all resigned, four of us were sharing a room and no need to say that me and Arsi were sharing the same room with two of our friends. Seriously I didn’t have any naughty intentions, not even when he chose to sleep next to me on the bed. The lights were switched off and then the story started.
After sometime, he hugged me and I hugged him back, started patting him on his back remembering his recent cry session with his friends a few minutes back. But I was wrong. After a while, he started kissing my neck and I was like “Hain! Yeh kya ho raha hai?” (What the hell is happening?) But I let him kiss my neck and didn’t protest and pretended to be asleep. Then he put his head above me and started kissing my lips, “Now that’s the limit.” I thought that but still I opened my mouth for tongue to tongue interaction and all that chup chup (kissing sound) was getting more and more audible in the room. I whispered in his ear about the sound and he suggested, “Let’s go in the room upstairs.” and left the room.
It was very first time for me but still I was very calm and confident about it. I started asking myself what I was doing and why I was doing, what will be its outcome or repercussions for the next 15 minutes.And then I said to myself, “HadiHussain, it’s a high time that you should get laid. You feel attraction towards this guy and he wants you with all your flab and non-penetrative sexual nature and he’s leaving in a few days. So, let’s do it”.
I was 24 then and it was the first time I got intimate with someone. When I left the room I saw him sitting just right there in the stairs with his head in his hands and as he saw me he stood up passionately and said, “I thought you will not come”. And he started kissing me madly right there, but I cued him for the vacant room upstairs. It was two hours session, with passionate kissing, personal talks and future plans. I was taking things very casually but he seemed somewhat serious, rather impractical. He didn’t know me but wanted to have a relationship because he liked me a lot and he wanted to put all his efforts to make our potentially long distance relationship work. I told him that it wouldn’t work but he persisted on to try.
“I will remain loyal to you. I’ll not sleep around with anyone. I promise.”
“But you don’t need to do so. It will be cruel on my part to levy such demands on you. We hardly know each other so there is no bonding to survive on in that foreign land. You will be hell lonely and in loneliness people do end up having sex. So, it’s ok. You can do anything you want. I can understand. Don’t bother yourself with it.”
“This means you will be having sex as well.”
“How many times you think I am having sex? You are my first one, I don’t have much desires”.
“That’s why I love you” he said and kissed me once again “And I’ll remain loyal to you”.
We took a shower together and then we came into the lounge like good naïve young boys and behave as if nothing has happened. I asked him not to talk about last night adventure to anyone, although I knew that Randy must have an idea about it as he’s a seasoned queer folk who has even lost his hairs in gaining all this experience and I was right about him. Before leaving that place, he vowed for his love and loyalty towards me and we hugged and I came back to Lahore.


Image Courtesy: Maria Li

On Special First Times

I got a text from a folk few days back in which he expected me to say that, “Yes first kiss is very special.” I started laughing, not because I believed otherwise but on the innocence and naivety of his question. The thing is we have been brought up in such an over emotional romantic culture where a mother can’t be a mother enough unless she shed gallons and gallons of tears for the sake of her son (yeah they mostly cry for sons) and whose prayers can miraculously resurrect him from doom, where no one loves lesser then Heer Ranjha, Sassi Punno and Sohni Mahiwal (folk love stories). Where Paro (female lead charcter from movie Devdas) says “Phela pyar to umar kay faraq ke tarah hota hai jissay cha kar bhi nae mitta saktay.“
Over melodramatic digest literature where heroine always end up getting a handsome rich guy who will deliver her from every possible atrocity, and the typical Lollywood masala movies where people can get their “love at first sight” with 5-6 songs, some drama, some romance and then finally overriding the much talked about Simaj ke dewar (social pressures) serves as the impetus for this cultural emotional mania. Here every movie is a love story and every love story has a happy ending thus disseminating this obsession with romanticism in “first times”.
Can you remember the very first time you wrote any alphabet? Was that special or legible enough??? I guess No. Can you remember the very first time you had cooked, drove, swam, danced or played? Was there any special affects in them to make you compete for an Oscar in the Special Affects Category. Again NO. But yes after several attempts and with practice, you can get that special thing in whatever you have been doing.
There was a time when I used to think that when I’ll fall in love or kiss or have sex with someone very first time it would be very special but darn it all those first times were pathetic. I was so naïve without any experience and didn’t know what to do, and what I wanted from life. Gaia says a really wonderful thing and I agree with her on this, “Phelay pyar par potti kar kay usay flush out kar daina chahiye.” (One should poo at his/her first love and then flushes it out.)
My first kiss, uff it was so pathetic, the guy used to smoke a lot and when we started it in the college loo, I was like hell no but nevertheless I completed it, looking for that special moment in it as it was much anticipated first fucking kiss. And first time I got laid, nothing was special about it except my horniness and his desperation. So, lovelies, first things are mostly stupid and naive as we have preconceived notions about them and we forgot that there’s a difference between a reel life story and real life story where one has to kiss many frogs to get one’s prince charming.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)

Fari Hadi Saga Finale

I don’t know what I should write in the last post of this series, everything is so much scattered in my mind that I can’t even recall what happened earlier and what latter. Moreover, I am afraid of reliving the whole experience and the events connected to Fari after I met him last time. So, I will write this post in snippets of events as they are coming to me. After that meeting with Fari, my love story ended even before blooming (like nipping the evil in the bud). Itna kuch beet gaya hai yaad nae kya fasana tha kya haqeeqat thi. (I have been through a lot, can’t even remember which part was fictional and which was reality).
• Fari started avoiding me, actually he was never into texting me or getting back to me, even between those two meetings of ours, but after the last meeting, he made sure not to text me again, I guess.
• I didn’t like the fact that he considered me a ‘big brother’, it made me feel sick and disgusted. I felt an incestuous rascal, craving for a guy younger than me, was I becoming a pedophile. Yuck!!!
• Tina told me that he had started asking his parents to marry him off as soon as possible. Then he grew a beard, become ultra-religious, started having fights with his parents and siblings, preaching them how much wrong they were in their ways.
• Their (Tina’s & Fari’s) mother came to know about my sexual orientation and started bugging Tina to stop seeing me anymore. She didn’t know that I and Fari were also in contact, I guess then she would have a heart attack.
• As Fari was working in Lahore so in all this familial tension he stopped going back to home where Tina was adamant to talk to him about it. I didn’t want to create any problem for Fari or for Tina or for their family, so I strongly advised Tina to keep her mouth shut.
• And I knew he don’t love me that way, anyway….
So, I started deleting him from my system. Lost me cell one day, unintentionally although, but I knew it will happen that day when after a few months, as I was passing by the café I met him last time, I became so much nostalgic that I couldn’t resist myself calling him up. I thought I was over him but as I heard his “Hello” my heart started throbbing like always. I managed to talk to him in a normal tone and ended it up in a friendly manner. But I was shocked that he was still there inside me. I went for some research work and on my way, I lost my cell and as I was traveling back to my place, in the bus, I didn’t know what happened, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I could see people looking at me, but I was so composedly shedding tears that they didn’t come close to me. Even I wasn’t bothered about anyone at that time, I was in deep pain and that’s all I knew.
Tina remained on my side throughout. She stood in front of her mother and didn’t stop meeting me. She so much wanted to make me and Fari a couple, she was angry and agitated about all that. She wanted to make him love me but I told her to relax. I even stopped talking to her about Fari as it would enrage her. I still remember her saying many times, even that day at terminal, “Fari doesn’t deserve a strong, kind guy like you. You are too good for him. He will ditch you, he’s a spineless coward.”
After a whole year, he got my new number from Tina and came in contact once again. But this time it was completely different. I know he still listens to me, whatever I say. I tried to bridle his ruthless religious bigotry through puns, sarcasm, and discussions and they worked. He got married this February and I was invited. I didn’t go not because I am still in love with him or once I was in love with him but because I wasn’t sure about the reaction of his mother and secondly I was busy that day (it was mid-week, strange time for a wedding though). It drizzled for two days in Lahore, the day he had a Nikah and when he had Walima. It was really funny, you see, I used to think that I‘ll die without him, or will die if he will share physical intimacy with someone and that was going to happen after his wedding and I wasn’t feeling any such thing. I prayed for his marital bliss, after a long time I prayed, actually after leaving Fari, I prayed very first time, the day he got married.
I remember I used to be so sure about getting him in my life. I fell in love very late although, I was 24 then. I was such a nice, optimistic guy who used to think that Allah will grant him to me, as I had never asked anyone from him before. Because I had never cheated, never deceived, never lied, had been a good boy. I knew that Tina was right about his spinelessness that he lacked what should be in a good partner but I used to think Allah will change him for me. He’s Allah Almighty, He can do anything, and He will make him mine. I was telling this to Gaia and Zeb when Zeb said, “Hadi! I am having goose bumps right now. And I am afraid what will happen…if…?” she left the sentence incomplete. Exactly at that time, call for evening prayer started and I smiled and said, “It will not happen.”
I am not sad over Fari a bit now, he has never been that much important seriously. But what is bothering me immensely is that in all this, I lost my faith, I lost my Allah. Now I fear praying, fear calling Him, fear talking to Him. He made me fear. He made me fear myself. And now I am a godless creature… and it’s not fair, certainly not fair.


(Image Courtesy: Bartek Ambrozik)

Fari Hadi Saga V

It was a really hot evening of June when I met Fari second and the last time. I chose the place (it was a café as well as an art gallery) this time because I loved their Chicken Taragon and wanted Fari to try it plus it’s ambience was really awesome, cozy seating arrangement along with melodious ghazals and light romantic songs in the background, among the book in dim lights. WOW, can anyone ask for more???
He was looking very cute that day and as he came forward to greet me with open arms, I hesitantly hugged him, as his physical intimacy was very overwhelming for me. We went into the café and ordered the food. We started talking with real mundane day to day life issues and then somehow discussion went to the direction of sexual orientation and I wasn’t sure whether i should tell him or not. A part of me really wanted to tell him because I didn’t want to hide my intentions but another part of me was saying, “Hadi, slow down, don’t freak him out.” But using my Clinical Psychology skills of studying nonverbal cues, and testing the waters slowly I came out to him and you know what he did say, “Tou is main itna sharmanay wali kya baat hai”? (Why you are ashamed of telling this?)
“I am not a bit but I wasn’t sure whether I should confined in you or not. What if it seemed rude or obnoxious to you.”
He smiled and said, “Not at all.”
Now that was the moment I was looking for and I asked the million dollar question, “What about you? I mean are you gay as well?”
“I don’t know for sure, I feel attracted towards men but I like girls as well…but I don’t know.”
Taking this cue I asked him, “Are you physically attracted towards women?”
“I suppose so, it’s what most of the people feel like.”
I gauged his irritation in the reply so I changed the subject and started talking about my experiences as a gay. I told him that Tina knew about me to which he complained, “Appa (Elder sister) never told me so.”
At that moment, the waiter showed up announcing that they were closing the café as apparently there wasn’t any other customer apart from us and the probability of chances of having any other were apparently bleak so I paid the bill and we got up. Pakistan cricket team had a final match to play so all the Lahoriates were glued in front of their TV screens.
But before leaving the cafe, we both went into the adjoining hall where the exhibition was on display and fortunately most of the paintings were of men. I stood in front of a painting and said, “I like such kind of guys, having stubble and rawness in them.”
“Me too.”
And I looked at him and said, “You are gay man.”
“Ok, what if I am gay? What will I do then?”
“Being gay means you feel attracted towards men.”
“Then what this attraction will lead to? I mean what I’ll do with a man.”
“You will have sex with him.”
“No, that’s not I want to have.” He said in a decisive, nostalgic tone.
Later he mentioned his childhood abuse experiences and I became dumbfounded. He has never talked about it to anyone, although Tina had an idea about that. I don’t know why parents bring children to life when they can’t care for them especially the times when the child is vulnerable. But they just don’t see, they are busy in their fucking lives while leaving behind their children on their own. I was in pain after listening to him, one because it’s a very sensitive issue for me to handle and second it was about Fari, my Fari, how dared someone touch him without his consent. My poor sweet little darling! How he had coped with all that, all alone. I so much wanted to be with him during those times and to knock down that bloody rascal and let him pay for his sins but I couldn’t. As Wilde said, “We can’t rewrite the human history just for the gratification of our moral sense of what should be. “ Now look at me, I was in love with a closeted gay guy who didn’t want to accept his gaiety because of his abuse experiences (That’s what I concluded latter on).
We took ice-cream from a nearby fast food chain and told him about my LGBT activism which he listened to quite attentively. Further we started walking, on the canal. I was telling him about the party I recently attended and giving him some graphic details and he was enjoying it. Then we reached to a dark patch of street, rite parallel to the canal and he said, “I am afraid of darkness.” I hold his hand and said, “Don’t worry I am with you.” We crossed that patch and reached to another underpass on the canal. Our friends’ had already texted us announcing the victory of Pakistani team and what we could see on roads was groups of enthusiastic youngsters cheering and celebrating the victory. It was so wonderful to see all that first hand, rare moments in those times of suicide bombings. People cheering up; waving Pakistani flags on bikes, dancing in the middle of the road, all of a sudden the deserted city got back its life. Happiness was erupting from everywhere and was ready to take us away with it. Then out of nowhere, in the middle of the road, I bend down on my knees and said, “Fari, what if I say I love you.”
“I’ll say I love you too.”
“And what if I’ll propose you and ask you to marry me?”
He started laughing; the same wonderful juvenile laughter of his was reaching to his eyes. “I’ll be a great partner to be with; I’ll love you and remain loyal to you.”
He didn’t reply to what I was saying except from laughing his heart out. Then I asked him, “Why you add the suffix of bhai (brother) after my name, every time you call me?”
“Because I take you as my elder brother.”
I was taken aback a little but I controlled it and asked, “Can you ever let this suffix go?”
“Not really, I like you that way.”
I smiled and we said few departing words. “It was great being with you.” He said smilingly.
“Same here.”
That night I was happier over what I had done, said and felt then sad on him taking me as his “bhai”. I so much wanted to share my happiness with someone and I thought of Zain. So, I rushed to his place. He was waiting for me at his gate; we both hugged each other and started spinning and dancing. I was yelling at the highest pitch of my voice that “I proposed him, I proposed him.” And he was laughing and hugging and spinning with me. At that time I never knew that I will have to leave Fari never to meet him again.

(Image Courtesy:Susanne Nilsjo)

Fari Hadi Saga IV

It was a May Wednesday and I was extremely excited about it as it’s going to be my first ever (and last one off course) ‘one sided date’. I want everything to be perfect, no glitches anywhere. He chose the restaurant and he was there even before the time and I was like “Look! who’s more excited here?” I was wearing stripped light blue shirt, (which I still have) and blue jeans (which I don’t have now) and I was feeling comfortable in them. Gaia had advised me not to wear brand new clothes to impress him because they wouldn’t be as much comfortable as the regular ones would be (although my undies were brand new, lols). As I reached that restaurant, he was standing outside. As I saw him and smiled he said, “You are looking…”
I was like, “Yes, yes tell me how much hot I am looking and you are madly in love with me.”
I asked temptingly, “What?”
“You are looking so disproportionate.”
“What?? Disproportionate?? Nobody has told me this before. People do call me a fat ass but never disproportionate.”
“Have you gained weight or was it’s your jacket last time hiding all this?”
“Now, that’s rude.” I thought but I don’t want to spoil the rest of the date so I took that in good spirits and said, “May be, but thank you so very much for such a unique comment.”
And he started laughing and we went inside. As I sat down, I don’t know why, but I started acting weird. I mean I just couldn’t see into his face directly and started looking into the wall picture above his head. Then my fine motor movement started showing disruptions, my hands declined their griping skills. I dropped my spoon, then folk and finally my cell, I was having tremors. Literally I was shaking like a juicer blender, although my juice was yet to come.
He noticed all that and said, “Aik he dafa sub kuch gira do.” (Why not you drop everything in a single go) and I apologetically replied, “I don’t know what’s happening to me, I am not like that, you know. I am not as clumsy as I am looking to you right now.” He laughed gingerly; he was actually enjoying my stupidity and clumsiness and ordered a cheese nan (desi bread) and I quite innocently asked, “Cheese nan bhi hota hai kya?” (Don’t tell me, is there something like cheese nan). Now I got why Gaia at times call me Kaddu (literally means a Pumpkin, but here it means a simpleton person). Once again he started laughing and I was feeling stupid, but still it was fun, I was never annoyed during all this. I ordered a soft drink and took few pieces of that extremely salty nan from his plate. It was so cute to have nan from a his platter, from same platter, it was so romantic and touching. Then we started talking and talking and at one point I was telling him about my depression phase, (basically it was a coming out time, but I didn’t mention my orientation, I talked about how painful I was feeling) and I was giving details of my feelings, my relationship with God and how it was affecting me and as I looked into his face, for a moment, I saw tears in his eyes. And I asked, “Kya hua (What happened)???? Are you crying?”
“No, I am not, you please continue.”
I extended my right hand to his left eye and picked a tear on it and asked, “To phir yeh kya hai?”
He smiled and said, “Forget it, complete your story.”
That was the second moment when I fell for him. He had tears for me, oh Lord, I want to cry and laugh at the same time. It was quite an emotional moment; I hold his hand, didn’t inquire further and continued with my story. We ordered a meal afterwards which we shared, once again from a single platter, making it yummier. On our way back, before getting into a rickshaw (a three wheeler vehicle) he asked, “Can you handle every personal thing?”
“Yes, I can.”
“Okay than brace yourself for the next time.” He said with his signature smile and got in the rickshaw and went away while leaving me behind drenched in his love.

Fari Hadi Saga III

It was Thursday of the same week and Tina was leaving Lahore for home and I went to meet her at the terminal. She was asking how it was with Fari afterwards. And I said, “Theaik tha (it was Ok)” and then changed the subject because I was avoiding the topic but one way or other she continued to bring it up again and again. Than finally she asked me, “Have you fallen in love with my brother?” and I was so much embarrassed that I just can’t explain. I started wobbling and she took my hand in her and said, “It’s ok Yaar (buddy), I would love to have you as my brother in law.” And then we both started laughing like anything and I told her what was happening to me since I met him. I explained that it’s an amazing feeling but I was embarrassed to admit it in front of her thinking that maybe she would have apprehensions about it. And secondly, how it can happen? I mean he’s 2 years younger(and I don’t want to be sound like achild molester, although he was of legal age) than me and how can I fall for him, just like that, as it was mere fucking love at first sight, I never believed in? I had always been an adamant believer that ‘love at first sight’ is crap; it’s just ‘lust at first sight’ and now my own believe was challenged by Fari and it was hard for an egoistic person like me to accept it. I told her I’ll work on my feelings and block them all because I of the above mentioned reasons and because I was afraid, afraid of falling in love as it brings pain and deep emotional trauma I don’t want to have. Even Addy, a dear friend of mine, made me realize of my familial and social responsibilities and advised me to put myself away from him. But it was never a mathematical formula, despite of all my efforts to ignore him, i was falling for him more and more.
Than one day, after few weeks, just out of nowhere, I called him up as Gaia, my dearest friend was thusafying (this word is my invention meaning eating hard) eating water melons in front me and was asking me to call him. I was sitting on the terrace of her apartment and looking out at the tree where birds were making a lot of noise as it was about to sunset. With a throbbing heart I called him up and after usual regular talk, asked him to meet me for a dinner. Which he agreed and next day we were going out. It wasn’t a date, it was just dinning out. And as announced this news, Gaia hailed, “Yeah, finally you are on the track.” And I couldnot control my smile.

(Image Courtesy: Christa Richert)

Fari Hadi Saga II

Me and Tina met on a February afternoon and went for Italian cuisine. There’s a really nice one here in Lahore. We ordered stuff by mutual consensus. It was really wonderful that day, I still remember, the spring sun had such a consoling happy affect that I still miss it. Moreover, first time I was openly gay with Tina and checking out the guys around me, being as much stupid, funny, and cheapu (Cheapster; yes it’s fun to be one at times, especially with friends) as possible. Eating from the same platter, sharing drinks, putting spoons full of food in each other’s mouths (which was usual for us, but that day it was something special) , people were thinking we were a couple and Tina added, “Poor people, they don’t know how they have been visually exploited.” And I was like, “Whatever.” She had started making sketches and brought few of them with her and I took two sketches I liked the most, you know why??? Because it was my day and I was so much happy and at peace with myself and with Tina. After, the long long lunching session, we started walking on the road Tina was telling me about Fari, rather she was telling me how much similar we both were. We both love rains, Oscar Wilde, are emotionally expressive, can cry when we want without caring much about the masculine prototypes of the society which dictates men never to cry. She said we had a unique sense of juvenility in us, even at this age, which is rare and lastly the way we both smiles, which she opined ‘a unique cute signature smile’ no one can forge, was also similar. It was enough to raise my excitement and I was eagerly waiting for him to join in the café where we had finally settled down to have tea and wonderful chocolate cake and triple chocolate brownie. After the sunset, he came and as he did not know the place I went out to get him. I was standing at the juncture of the adjoining roads when I saw a guy, little shorter than me, in stubble, wearing red jumper and crossing the road and I thought he can be Fari and called out, “Fari” and he looked back at me and gosh that frame froze forever in my memory. He came towards me; we shake hands and moved towards the café.
The café ‘s rhythmic music was enough to unwind me and I was kinda showing moves which he was noticing and appreciating with his twinkling eyes and need to tell, this attention was driving me more crazy. The sublime feeling of him across the table was romantic enough to make me happy; he had that kinda intoxicating effect on me. Every cell of my body was yelling “Fari Fari Fari” in chorus and I think Tina felt that resonance if not Fari. I broke the news to Tina “He’s gay, he’s gay” through my non-verbal cues. We all were talking and enjoying a lot and I was wondering at the comfort level I had achieved with him so soon. There was an instant fuming chemistry between us; he was telling me things which people have to earn after years of affiliations (Tina told me so afterwards) and I was feeling the way I was feeling very first time in my life. After a while Tina left both of us and we started walking on the road to the bus point. And we were talking about our families, our ambitions, our lives, even our problems. And then his point came and he left and I came out of a trance like situation. Really he was mesmerizing and yes he smiled like me and I got a wonderful smile like him. We vowed to meet each other again soon.


(Image Courtesy:Jefferson Sestaro)

Fari Hadi Saga I

Tina was going to meet me very first time since I came out to her. For the past few years she has been a great friend of mine but I was always reluctant to tell her about myself because I was insecure, thinking that she might leave or abandoned me. But I was tired, tired of acting what I wasn’t actually, tired of pretending somebody I am not like. It’s so painful to be hidden. So, as I came out to myself and finally become comfortable about my sexual orientation I just told her.
So, that year when she called me up to wish me New Year, I don’t know how it popped up in my head because I wasn’t planning to come out to her at phone but it just happened and I couldn’t resist. After hearing me she said quite normally, “I have known this for years.” And I became surprised and said, “Seriously, was it so obvious.” And she said, “No it wasn’t, especially and a dull person like can’t get her hands on anything but somehow I knew it.” I became more interested now, even forgetting my zinger burger with cheese (yummy) and the whole bunch of people around me in the café.
“Nahin(NO)! But there must be something, some signs, my expressions, walking, talking, and gestures, anything which had made think you so.”
“May be but I never scrutinize your behavior that way.”
“But how come you think I was gay then? Don’t say you had turned out to be a clairvoyant because I am not going to buy this and moreover my sixth sense is better than you and I am feeling that there’s something you aren’t telling me.” “You are such a dog Hadi” she said while giggling, “that’s the problem with old friends, they know when you are lying even if you are claiming otherwise. Ok! You caught me Hadi.”
There was a pause, a brief one, but it seemed ages to me, I was terribly excited to know what was coming out of her mouth. “You remember, I have been saying that you are like Fari(her brother) a lot?”
“Hmmmmmm”
“I guess he’s gay too.”
“WHAT????” I shouted at the highest pitch of my voice and then realized that there are respected families sitting around me.
“How can you say that?” I intoned.
“Because he has been so different from the rest of us, and we all have been talking about this since ages and you are also different so I just added two in two and made four. And now, as you have finally come out so I am thinking that he must be gay. You remember, once you said that you have gaydars, do they still work?”
“Yeah” I said in a kind of mediating manner.
“Okay I am coming this weekend and I ‘ll ask Fari to join us so that you can apply your gaydars on him.”
“Hmmm, ok, but I am not sure about it, waisay(by the way)” I said in partial disbelief of my latent talent. “But let’s see.”

(Photo Courtesy: Lucasbite)