THE GUY WHO WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH ME

The title suggests the reason I fell for Kim. I just can’t explain how intimate, emotional and special it was for me because no one had ever said anything like that to me and I was literally touched by the emotions embedded in this idea of romantic longevity. It’s said that dreaming is pivotal to human growth if chased, but online dreams; well think again. The communication between me and Kim continued for almost a month and it was a full on emotional roller coaster lifetime experience. Ideally I should have given up the idea of having another online marshmallow affair after Maddy but I thought that there was something special about Kim because of the things he used to say like having a monogamous committed romantic relationship, growing old together, raising kids etc. At that time, I used to wonder how come a guy can actually say the things which I desperately want to hear. He was an IT professional (the field I look up with a childlike amazement because of my lack of understanding to it), almost of my age (which made me think he was mature), could draw sketches (how romantic), can write poems (though I didn’t write his style but still a talent close to my heart), well educated (which is very important for me) and even wanted to study further. Initially I was skeptical another online, long distance affair but I thought of giving myself and him a chance and the vision he had about our lives together was so attractive that I just couldn’t resist and fell for him and that dream. I still remember when Sanu, a friend advised me to be cautious about him when he came to know about the nature of my contact with him and the ‘advanced level’ progress we were having in such a short time. I wish I had taken his advice seriously then but I guess if I had then I wouldn’t have learned what Kim taught me. When I shared my reluctance about our online and long distance communication and asked how its going to work, he showed me another dream of moving to Lahore for me from his native city Karachi. Though, let me accept that it made me felt happy internally and satisfied my sense of worth but still advised him not to make such an important decision just because of me to which he replied that he need a change and has been looking for moving out of Karachi, either for studies or for work. Another fact which makes Kim different was his bisexuality and that seemed to be the only thing at that moment I wasn’t sure to go about. I have a very close friend who is bisexual but she’s a women and I didn’t think that it will be same in the case of a bisexual man. It wasn’t a matter of biphobia but the thing was that I had never been with any bisexual and it seemed like me potentially fighting on two fronts, i.e. both men and women. So, while talking to Kim about it, I started reading stuff about bisexuality in order to know him better. While dreaming about having a future together, I was enjoying all the attention and his frank assertion of ‘being in love’ with me over Facebook. Apart from making me (a person with low self-esteem which I compensate by being sarcastic and at times rude) feel ‘desired’, on one hand this showering of cyber affection was an emancipating experience where we both were claiming the space for the non-heteronormative love while on the other hand while expressing his love, he used to ‘claim’ me in a very hyper masculine manner which sounded chauvinist and highly heteronormative to me and there were moments when I used to feel as if I was a commodity or property been ‘owned’ by some man. Very soon, this very cyber space turned out to be a battle ground for him as he started throwing tantrums to me and others, stalking me and directing me about the what/whom/how of my online communication. Having fights over Facebook comments, likes; seemed a regular normal action for him and I was expected to support him in all his vengeance strikes. And if I failed to succumb to what I supposed to do, I was labeled as being ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unloving’. I soon realized that he was suspicious of my online as well as off line communication with guys. Even he asked me several times to confess about ‘never existing’ sexual/romantic relationship with Boze as we both friends were/are very close to each other. And after my repeated explanations why it just never happened, he would start questioning why not. Moreover, he was obsessed about having me in contact with him around the clock because ‘he loved me,’ and was ‘expressive’ about it. Everything was happening so quickly that I just couldn’t think properly where I was going and what I should do about this. All I knew during those days was more stress with less personal space and I was continuously giving this feedback to myself that ‘He loves me.’ I never realized when this potential ‘janam janam ka sath’ (love for all times) turned emotionally and psychologically abusive. And as if I haven’t enough yet, one day he texted that he came out to his parents and things were really worst between him and his family. He doubted that our communication would be blocked soon and so he wanted me to be with him during that bad phase of his life and I affirmed his confidence in me though I wanted to say, ‘What the fuck’ because just a night before this incident we both talked and explored the consequences of his coming out to his parents and I was agitated why he changed his decision in the morning, without taking me in confidence as it was also related to me. He said that he wanted to come out because of me (though I never asked him to do so) and to formally announce to his parents that he’s not marrying any girl as he had me. In the evening, I got text from his number asking me never to contact Kim again and that was the moment I feared the most. That was too much for me to handle and I freaked out completely and didn’t know what I had done if Boze and Gaia wouldn’t have been there for me. I was worried about his well-being and didn’t know how to go about it. I was sure that being an adult and independent guy, he would be in a better position to cope with it but I was proved wrong when after few days when he contacted me from a different number and told me that his father had beaten up him with a belt and all modes of his communication like cell phone and internet were terminated for few days, he even remained in a ‘house arrest’ for a day or so. On the one hand I was horrified what he has been through and on the other hand I was unable to understand that how could an adult man be so helpless in 21st century. He further blamed me for leaving him in doldrums and didn’t know how to react to it. Latter in the evening, after having the situational analysis, I asked him to re-locate to Lahore secretively as living with his family in Karachi wasn’t plausible for him but he disagreed to it and he told me that he was shopping with his parents and bought them nice goodies and they all happy and pleasant again, and I was like ‘OK’. Another thing I couldn’t understand about him and his parents. Few days later, my fraternal grandmother died and I couldn’t remain in contact with him for few hours and he got another fault in me. At that time I thought that to smoothen up our connection and for the better understanding of each other, I should visit Karachi but he told me that he was unsure of meeting me and I was shocked and felt hurt about it. I don’t know whether it was a deciding point in our connection or my tolerance for taking shit expired and I thought of calling it off but still didn’t want to take initiative. Because I didn’t want to take the responsibility of calling it off, even although I had become a total disaster since the day I came to know him. Finally, one day I was busy with stuff and he got pissed off because I wasn’t replying to him thus he thankfully deleted me from his cyber world and announced the termination of our online connection and relation (if it can be called one). I actually took several sighs of relief but story doesn’t end here and few days later I was informed through a common friend that he attempted suicide which reasserted my belief of not having him in my life because his psychological instability needs professional help, not me. After sometime, he contacted me again and desired to have me back but knowing all our history I declined to do so and that connection even ended up in fight and blame game. At that time, I was happily ready to take all the blame and responsibility but not to have him back in my life. He never contacted me again and neither did I. Now when I look back, I didn’t have any hard feelings or regret about it because that experience helped to learn more about the people and life. It’s much better to remember him as the guy who used to call me late night and make me laugh by acting like a woman or a child over phone.

The Day I Found I Got HIV

We were walking down the great Mall road of Lahore one day and having our regular evening meet ups when all of a sudden, in a pure typical gossip tone, Boze announced, “You know what, Haris(my ex) had even slept with Earl.”
“What? Holy shit, but he’s HIV positive.”
And then there was a brief serious silence followed by a surprising worried look in our faces and then like a fire cracker I roared, “Haye! main mar gaya(Oh shit man, what the fuck) Boze.”
“Slut! Don’t say that please, don’t say that…nae nae(no no)… ya Allah (oh God). Tell me exactly what you have done with him, tell me in peculiar details.”
“Mother bitch! I am not like you, I didn’t go for your usual bed ritual but…but there was pre-seminal fluid and Oh my God, Oh my God…. Boze, I am gonna die.”
“Shut up, I ‘ll bitch slap you. It’s not the way of getting infected. “
“Tera bera gharak ho Boze. Kujri kutti haramzadi, haye tujhay aik he kunjar mila tha puray Lahore main meray liye.” (Boze, may you go to hell. You slut, you bitch, you rascal, from the whole Lahore, you found such a man whore for me.“
“Tou main nay kub kaha tha kay pheli date pay he munah kala kar lain us kay saath.” (Excuse me! did I ask you to fuck him in the very first date.)
“Haye mujhay kya pata tha kay who chalti phirti sasti sawari hai, mujhay to us nay monogamous relation ke goli day kar loot liya.” (Oh God! I didn’t know he was a promiscuous liar, I got carried away with his flowery dreams of monogamous relationship.”
“BozeI am going to die. Please forgive me for my sins.”
“Shut up Hadi, you are not going to die…” and then he looked at me and said, “I hope so.”
“Can you be less melodramatic and tell me what should I do now after your bloody senior (he’s Boze senior in University) has infected me.”
“Shahbash Main melodramatic haun ya tu. Haye roola daal kar pura Mall road ikhata kar lia hai tu nay, Cholo.” (Wow! You are the drama queen here. Look with your hue and cry you have assembled whole Mall road in front of you.)
“ Haye (Oh) Booze, I have done sex for the second time in my whole life, don’t tell me I am not gonna do it again. This isn’t fair. Just see a lot of people are sleeping around with every Tom Dick and Harry and still healthy and poor me, if I dared to take a chance in my life then see that’s what happened to me.”
“Hadi, jaan I’ll not let you die.”
“Hunah ayeda tu Mughal-e-Azam.” (Hunah! You aren’t Mughal-e-Azam).
“Baji (Sister) don’t worry. I promise you that I’ll arrange a dozen hunks every Thursday for a party at your grave, who will dance naked and celebrate your untimely departure.”
“Boze, seriously, am I gonna die.”
“Shut up! You bitch”. He hugged me and pecked my cheeks and said, “It’s not gonna happen. Don’t worry jani (friend).”
Later that night, vine called me up and I broke news to her as well. And once again, I narrated my Haris-Hadi bedtime story to her and mind you she laughed at several points. In the end, she panicked and said, “Bus khatam hogaye, haye nae (Is it enough, oh please) I want to hear more dirty stuff.” And I was like “Haye Bhagwan” (Oh Lord). Later she did ask his doctor friend about contracting HIV and let me now that you are safe Hadi but I was still not feeling good.
Now it was first night after I realised that I have been in bed with a guy who has previously been in bed with an HIV positive guy and I don’t know what’s my health status now. It was quite a dreamless night, several times I texted Boze and played the ultimate drama queen until he had to discipline me in a very crude manner and I started playing victim syndrome.
Next day, I met Gaia and narrated the most awful thing happened to me (at that time it was actually) and she hugged me and counselled me and advised to have a test and I was like “NO”. I was afraid of the possibility of contracting HIV and I didn’t want to go through all that. But one day Boze hijacked me and took me to the hospital where I got tested. The ass of the guy there was so yummy and I said, “Boze now you are gonna bump him and I’ll see you from above.” And he gave me the most terrible look of his, which means shut up right away or otherwise I am gonna punch you. Later that night, he texted me up and said, “If you are gonna get HIV, I am gonna fight hard with God. He can’t do this to you. I’ll never let this happen.” And I was literally touched.
From all this HIV fiasco what I got is that never buy the relationship and lovey dovey stuff from people easily. If you don’t lie then don’t think no one can else lie as well. Second thing I learned is that SAFE SEX is very important. I am not into penetration and that’s why the probability of contracting HIV and other STI’s is almost nil as compared to the people who are into penetration. So guys always do safe sex regardless of how much the super-hot and super clean your partner seemed to you. Because it’s the matter of your life and that’s the most important and precious thing.

On Special First Times

I got a text from a folk few days back in which he expected me to say that, “Yes first kiss is very special.” I started laughing, not because I believed otherwise but on the innocence and naivety of his question. The thing is we have been brought up in such an over emotional romantic culture where a mother can’t be a mother enough unless she shed gallons and gallons of tears for the sake of her son (yeah they mostly cry for sons) and whose prayers can miraculously resurrect him from doom, where no one loves lesser then Heer Ranjha, Sassi Punno and Sohni Mahiwal (folk love stories). Where Paro (female lead charcter from movie Devdas) says “Phela pyar to umar kay faraq ke tarah hota hai jissay cha kar bhi nae mitta saktay.“
Over melodramatic digest literature where heroine always end up getting a handsome rich guy who will deliver her from every possible atrocity, and the typical Lollywood masala movies where people can get their “love at first sight” with 5-6 songs, some drama, some romance and then finally overriding the much talked about Simaj ke dewar (social pressures) serves as the impetus for this cultural emotional mania. Here every movie is a love story and every love story has a happy ending thus disseminating this obsession with romanticism in “first times”.
Can you remember the very first time you wrote any alphabet? Was that special or legible enough??? I guess No. Can you remember the very first time you had cooked, drove, swam, danced or played? Was there any special affects in them to make you compete for an Oscar in the Special Affects Category. Again NO. But yes after several attempts and with practice, you can get that special thing in whatever you have been doing.
There was a time when I used to think that when I’ll fall in love or kiss or have sex with someone very first time it would be very special but darn it all those first times were pathetic. I was so naïve without any experience and didn’t know what to do, and what I wanted from life. Gaia says a really wonderful thing and I agree with her on this, “Phelay pyar par potti kar kay usay flush out kar daina chahiye.” (One should poo at his/her first love and then flushes it out.)
My first kiss, uff it was so pathetic, the guy used to smoke a lot and when we started it in the college loo, I was like hell no but nevertheless I completed it, looking for that special moment in it as it was much anticipated first fucking kiss. And first time I got laid, nothing was special about it except my horniness and his desperation. So, lovelies, first things are mostly stupid and naive as we have preconceived notions about them and we forgot that there’s a difference between a reel life story and real life story where one has to kiss many frogs to get one’s prince charming.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)

Anal Fixation

It was my regular mid-week hang out with Vinnie and we were having our favorite chocolate mousse from a really yummy restaurant we had recently discovered from the plethora of the new budding restaurants. Lahore never runs out of food and new restaurants. Eating from the same cup of young (ya it was, by God), smooth and creamy mousse, Vinnie announced “Uff! Chocolate is so orgasmic.” And I was like, “Excuse me!! are you insane or something? How can chocolate give anyone a rush?”
“It can, you inexperienced virgin bitch.” She said cheekily.
“Hain (What)???”
I put out the spoon out of my (yummy) mouth (I bet it is) and intoned like a great leader ready for his winning speech “Sweety, I may not be as much experienced as my contemporaries are but I am not a virgin. You know all of my experiences in graphic detail. I don’t know then way you are defaming me.”
“I know that’s why I am saying this, loser.”
“Ho haye! (Oh) Can her highness be kind enough to explain the reason for overlooking my experiences and denouncing me as a virgin?”
“Yeah I can, I am a generous Princess.” She smiled back and then said, “You see, you haven’t done sex yet, I mean you have never been involved in penetration, not even into orals. Your sex experiences are so mediocre and low status in nature. I mean it’s like, “Vinnie Vinnie, look wind just passed by me and I had sex or Vinnie Vinnie he took my hand and I had sex.”
I was shocked, “You mean only penetration is that “high powered” kind of sex and all the other ones are low powered things to do which you don’t think are good enough to qualify as sex. What the fuck, I disagree.”
“You see in heterosexual sex, act of penetration is involved…”
“I am not a heterosexual…”
“I know, but majority of the people, gay people do that.”
“Don’t preach might is right philosophy to me, Ok. And don’t say that I am still a virgin. I hate this word.” I closed the discussion there and then because I realized I receive similar reaction from the Pink community as well. People are so much obsessed about anal sex and I am unable to identify why exactly gaiety means anal sex. I have met a few guys in their questioning phase saying that they didn’t want to have anal sex. Was that really important to be gay and to have anal sex?
I went through same questions during my coming out. I didn’t feel like having anal sex but almost every gay guy around me would say how can you be gay then? What about oral?? No??? Strange, are you really gay? Then what you will do in bed honey, just holding hands? It was so depressing and pressurizing for me to handle and process all that shit. I remembered that if ever I would share my experiences, they would start laughing and saying, “You are still a virgin and virginity isn’t a dignity, it’s just lack of opportunity.”
Whole gay sex politics revolves around top/bottom dichotomy and its very basis is heteronormative in nature. Being a top (the one who penetrates) is associated with manliness, power and control and is considered to be of high stature whereas being a bottom (one who gets penetrated) is associated with womanliness, dependency, the one who can be controlled and of low stature. In heterosexual context, penetration (hard core feminist may excuse me) may be justified for child bearing but in homosexual context, its obligation doesn’t make any sense. The question here arise that whether the gay men are trying (consciously or unconsciously) to imitate heteronormative sexual dynamics to themselves, if yes then why?
One day I was really depressed about all this shit and shared my thoughts with Gaia. She became furious and said, “Fuck them all who say this to you. Lanant hai, phelay bunda straight logon kay mutabik bunnay ke koshsish karta rahay, phir ab yeh log humain batain kay hum kaisay achay GAY bun saktay hain.” (Fie on them, first we try to live our lives as straight people want us to live and now these gay people are suggesting us how to be a good gay.)
I did the same; I never resigned to their suggestions because what I do in my bed is of no one’s concern. No one can define what is SEX for me and what I like and want to do in SEX. So, it’s a wide call for everyone out there that if you don’t want to do anything just doesn’t do it. Sex involves a whole range of variant pleasing activities; don’t feel compelled to follow any pattern you don’t want to follow, even if your partner insists. It’s your body, it’s your life, and it’s your SEX. Enjoy SEX, the way you want it.

(Image Courtesy: Konrad Mostert)

Fari Hadi Saga Finale

I don’t know what I should write in the last post of this series, everything is so much scattered in my mind that I can’t even recall what happened earlier and what latter. Moreover, I am afraid of reliving the whole experience and the events connected to Fari after I met him last time. So, I will write this post in snippets of events as they are coming to me. After that meeting with Fari, my love story ended even before blooming (like nipping the evil in the bud). Itna kuch beet gaya hai yaad nae kya fasana tha kya haqeeqat thi. (I have been through a lot, can’t even remember which part was fictional and which was reality).
• Fari started avoiding me, actually he was never into texting me or getting back to me, even between those two meetings of ours, but after the last meeting, he made sure not to text me again, I guess.
• I didn’t like the fact that he considered me a ‘big brother’, it made me feel sick and disgusted. I felt an incestuous rascal, craving for a guy younger than me, was I becoming a pedophile. Yuck!!!
• Tina told me that he had started asking his parents to marry him off as soon as possible. Then he grew a beard, become ultra-religious, started having fights with his parents and siblings, preaching them how much wrong they were in their ways.
• Their (Tina’s & Fari’s) mother came to know about my sexual orientation and started bugging Tina to stop seeing me anymore. She didn’t know that I and Fari were also in contact, I guess then she would have a heart attack.
• As Fari was working in Lahore so in all this familial tension he stopped going back to home where Tina was adamant to talk to him about it. I didn’t want to create any problem for Fari or for Tina or for their family, so I strongly advised Tina to keep her mouth shut.
• And I knew he don’t love me that way, anyway….
So, I started deleting him from my system. Lost me cell one day, unintentionally although, but I knew it will happen that day when after a few months, as I was passing by the café I met him last time, I became so much nostalgic that I couldn’t resist myself calling him up. I thought I was over him but as I heard his “Hello” my heart started throbbing like always. I managed to talk to him in a normal tone and ended it up in a friendly manner. But I was shocked that he was still there inside me. I went for some research work and on my way, I lost my cell and as I was traveling back to my place, in the bus, I didn’t know what happened, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I could see people looking at me, but I was so composedly shedding tears that they didn’t come close to me. Even I wasn’t bothered about anyone at that time, I was in deep pain and that’s all I knew.
Tina remained on my side throughout. She stood in front of her mother and didn’t stop meeting me. She so much wanted to make me and Fari a couple, she was angry and agitated about all that. She wanted to make him love me but I told her to relax. I even stopped talking to her about Fari as it would enrage her. I still remember her saying many times, even that day at terminal, “Fari doesn’t deserve a strong, kind guy like you. You are too good for him. He will ditch you, he’s a spineless coward.”
After a whole year, he got my new number from Tina and came in contact once again. But this time it was completely different. I know he still listens to me, whatever I say. I tried to bridle his ruthless religious bigotry through puns, sarcasm, and discussions and they worked. He got married this February and I was invited. I didn’t go not because I am still in love with him or once I was in love with him but because I wasn’t sure about the reaction of his mother and secondly I was busy that day (it was mid-week, strange time for a wedding though). It drizzled for two days in Lahore, the day he had a Nikah and when he had Walima. It was really funny, you see, I used to think that I‘ll die without him, or will die if he will share physical intimacy with someone and that was going to happen after his wedding and I wasn’t feeling any such thing. I prayed for his marital bliss, after a long time I prayed, actually after leaving Fari, I prayed very first time, the day he got married.
I remember I used to be so sure about getting him in my life. I fell in love very late although, I was 24 then. I was such a nice, optimistic guy who used to think that Allah will grant him to me, as I had never asked anyone from him before. Because I had never cheated, never deceived, never lied, had been a good boy. I knew that Tina was right about his spinelessness that he lacked what should be in a good partner but I used to think Allah will change him for me. He’s Allah Almighty, He can do anything, and He will make him mine. I was telling this to Gaia and Zeb when Zeb said, “Hadi! I am having goose bumps right now. And I am afraid what will happen…if…?” she left the sentence incomplete. Exactly at that time, call for evening prayer started and I smiled and said, “It will not happen.”
I am not sad over Fari a bit now, he has never been that much important seriously. But what is bothering me immensely is that in all this, I lost my faith, I lost my Allah. Now I fear praying, fear calling Him, fear talking to Him. He made me fear. He made me fear myself. And now I am a godless creature… and it’s not fair, certainly not fair.


(Image Courtesy: Bartek Ambrozik)

Fari Hadi Saga IV

It was a May Wednesday and I was extremely excited about it as it’s going to be my first ever (and last one off course) ‘one sided date’. I want everything to be perfect, no glitches anywhere. He chose the restaurant and he was there even before the time and I was like “Look! who’s more excited here?” I was wearing stripped light blue shirt, (which I still have) and blue jeans (which I don’t have now) and I was feeling comfortable in them. Gaia had advised me not to wear brand new clothes to impress him because they wouldn’t be as much comfortable as the regular ones would be (although my undies were brand new, lols). As I reached that restaurant, he was standing outside. As I saw him and smiled he said, “You are looking…”
I was like, “Yes, yes tell me how much hot I am looking and you are madly in love with me.”
I asked temptingly, “What?”
“You are looking so disproportionate.”
“What?? Disproportionate?? Nobody has told me this before. People do call me a fat ass but never disproportionate.”
“Have you gained weight or was it’s your jacket last time hiding all this?”
“Now, that’s rude.” I thought but I don’t want to spoil the rest of the date so I took that in good spirits and said, “May be, but thank you so very much for such a unique comment.”
And he started laughing and we went inside. As I sat down, I don’t know why, but I started acting weird. I mean I just couldn’t see into his face directly and started looking into the wall picture above his head. Then my fine motor movement started showing disruptions, my hands declined their griping skills. I dropped my spoon, then folk and finally my cell, I was having tremors. Literally I was shaking like a juicer blender, although my juice was yet to come.
He noticed all that and said, “Aik he dafa sub kuch gira do.” (Why not you drop everything in a single go) and I apologetically replied, “I don’t know what’s happening to me, I am not like that, you know. I am not as clumsy as I am looking to you right now.” He laughed gingerly; he was actually enjoying my stupidity and clumsiness and ordered a cheese nan (desi bread) and I quite innocently asked, “Cheese nan bhi hota hai kya?” (Don’t tell me, is there something like cheese nan). Now I got why Gaia at times call me Kaddu (literally means a Pumpkin, but here it means a simpleton person). Once again he started laughing and I was feeling stupid, but still it was fun, I was never annoyed during all this. I ordered a soft drink and took few pieces of that extremely salty nan from his plate. It was so cute to have nan from a his platter, from same platter, it was so romantic and touching. Then we started talking and talking and at one point I was telling him about my depression phase, (basically it was a coming out time, but I didn’t mention my orientation, I talked about how painful I was feeling) and I was giving details of my feelings, my relationship with God and how it was affecting me and as I looked into his face, for a moment, I saw tears in his eyes. And I asked, “Kya hua (What happened)???? Are you crying?”
“No, I am not, you please continue.”
I extended my right hand to his left eye and picked a tear on it and asked, “To phir yeh kya hai?”
He smiled and said, “Forget it, complete your story.”
That was the second moment when I fell for him. He had tears for me, oh Lord, I want to cry and laugh at the same time. It was quite an emotional moment; I hold his hand, didn’t inquire further and continued with my story. We ordered a meal afterwards which we shared, once again from a single platter, making it yummier. On our way back, before getting into a rickshaw (a three wheeler vehicle) he asked, “Can you handle every personal thing?”
“Yes, I can.”
“Okay than brace yourself for the next time.” He said with his signature smile and got in the rickshaw and went away while leaving me behind drenched in his love.

Fari Hadi Saga III

It was Thursday of the same week and Tina was leaving Lahore for home and I went to meet her at the terminal. She was asking how it was with Fari afterwards. And I said, “Theaik tha (it was Ok)” and then changed the subject because I was avoiding the topic but one way or other she continued to bring it up again and again. Than finally she asked me, “Have you fallen in love with my brother?” and I was so much embarrassed that I just can’t explain. I started wobbling and she took my hand in her and said, “It’s ok Yaar (buddy), I would love to have you as my brother in law.” And then we both started laughing like anything and I told her what was happening to me since I met him. I explained that it’s an amazing feeling but I was embarrassed to admit it in front of her thinking that maybe she would have apprehensions about it. And secondly, how it can happen? I mean he’s 2 years younger(and I don’t want to be sound like achild molester, although he was of legal age) than me and how can I fall for him, just like that, as it was mere fucking love at first sight, I never believed in? I had always been an adamant believer that ‘love at first sight’ is crap; it’s just ‘lust at first sight’ and now my own believe was challenged by Fari and it was hard for an egoistic person like me to accept it. I told her I’ll work on my feelings and block them all because I of the above mentioned reasons and because I was afraid, afraid of falling in love as it brings pain and deep emotional trauma I don’t want to have. Even Addy, a dear friend of mine, made me realize of my familial and social responsibilities and advised me to put myself away from him. But it was never a mathematical formula, despite of all my efforts to ignore him, i was falling for him more and more.
Than one day, after few weeks, just out of nowhere, I called him up as Gaia, my dearest friend was thusafying (this word is my invention meaning eating hard) eating water melons in front me and was asking me to call him. I was sitting on the terrace of her apartment and looking out at the tree where birds were making a lot of noise as it was about to sunset. With a throbbing heart I called him up and after usual regular talk, asked him to meet me for a dinner. Which he agreed and next day we were going out. It wasn’t a date, it was just dinning out. And as announced this news, Gaia hailed, “Yeah, finally you are on the track.” And I couldnot control my smile.

(Image Courtesy: Christa Richert)