Dear Maddy

Dear Maddy

You have no idea how much excited I was to meet you. For the very first time, I was going to see you in flesh and blood, and anticipating a more tangible association, which used to be a virtual connection several moons back. I was hell curious to see and know the guy with whom I had a four month virtual romance. I had several plans in my mind to make our day memorable, many things to talk about, many jokes to crack, many places to visit, many meals to eat, but as I came out of cab and you welcomed me formally without a smile, I thought I didn’t know you.
It seemed as if somebody else had disguised himself to be you. From there onwards, it was a journey of unsaid discomfort which was evident from every movement of your body. And I was going through it and I knew you were also living it and I was thinking why you came to see me? Was it a courtesy gesture, some vow you had taken or just a wrong decision you made in fit of a moment? Let me tell you that, seeing you in discomfort was making me feel guilty as if I had forced you to see me at gun point.
You were wearing blue, blue’s my favourite. Did you still remember that? I looked into your eyes while we were having cold coffee and there was everything except recognition. Did you know, you checked your cell 37 times precisely in our 2.5 hours long meeting? Did you know how many times I checked mine? Not for a single time. You were so aloof, so lost, so far away from me then that I was getting embarrassed. I had thought that we both had grown up since the break up and all the sour experiences and emotional damages have already been claimed and sorted out so for once in life, we could meet each other as nice friends. But you were not in the right state of mind to cherish all those happy memories of our virtual romantic past.
I wasn’t happy when you left me at the door step of that Sea View KFC all by myself as you had some stuff to do. I wanted to say, “Maddy! Look at me, this me Hadi, the same Hadi you used to love and wanted to meet so badly. For whom you were ready to die. I am the same Hadi man, just look at me for once. Don’t I count anymore? Doesn’t the twinkle of my eyes fascinate you any longer? Why, my million dollar smile, which used to get your attention easily, is unable to convince you to look at me, today?”
But I remained silent. I was feeling bottled up like a fizzy drink of confused emotions, potentially lamenting over the stale love once existed between us. For once in my life, I wanted to be all crying and wailing. I wanted to slap you, to curse you, to cry my heart out over what we had made out of our lives. I wanted to create brouhaha about all those unfulfilled dreams and unaccomplished desires I had envisioned for us but couldn’t materialise.
Maddy! The fact of the matter is that I can live being unloved but I can’t survive being unwanted and you made me feel so that day when we met for the first time. You have no idea how hard it is to act like a stranger with someone you have been very close with. It reminds me of a poem by Faiz Ahmed Faiz which he wrote about his visit to Dhaka after the separation of East Pakistan. “Hum kay theray ajnabi, itni madaratoun kay baad, Phir banain gay aashna kitni mulaqataun kay baad…”

Regards
Hadi Hussain

Image Courtesy: Alex Bruda

Dear S!

Dear S!

Today we chatted after such a long time that I was unable to control my juvenile excitement and exuberance. Literally, if it has not been my office, I would have been shouting and bhagrafying like a kid but still I managed to go round and round at my revolving chair as a token of celebration. How strange is the fact that it has been a long time since we met online and still I don’t know how you look like? I never asked for your picture and you never intended to share one. Nevertheless, it’s cool enough because this novelty of e-communication keeps my interest and curiosity intact. Just like a writer, who develop countless characters churning out of his mind factory but his/her readers’ still carry different images of those characters. Everyone, even from Mirza Hadi Ruswa to any of his common reader will have a different and unique image of Umrao Jan Ada. Therefore, in the similar fashion, I have my own S. Every time whatever we chat about, our day-to-day life issues, occasional flirtatious remarks, our work, I just add all that up to the processing unit of my mind that have stored you. Hence, you are making your image yourself and I do not want anything to come between you and me, even your picture. I am better off this way.

You might have forgotten that by caste, I am Kashmiri Butt and Kashmiris are bound to have fair complexion and chubbiness. I have never told you that since I started going to school, my class fellows used to make fun of me because of my weight. There favorite time pass was to call me “motta aalo(fat potato)”, “hathi(elephant)” and “majh”(buffalo) all the time. You know how I dealt with the situation? I stopped playing, stopped running, although I heartily wanted to but……just forget it. I remember that I never retaliated than; I never reported their behavior to any of my school teachers because once when I informed one of my teachers, she herself started laughing and laughing did nothing else. I can’t explain the level of embarrassment I had felt that day. I don’t even know what I was feeling was embarrassment, I just remember that I had tears in my eyes and red sweaty face. I didn’t even share those incidents at home, with my parents. You know why? Because my father used to detest me almost every day for not being a “mard” (man) enough along with for being a fat ass. He considered my obesity as the serving reason for every possible perversion on the face of the earth. He used to scrutinize my food, made me jog and run in parks but to no avail, my body declined to take any other form. I could not complain all this to anyone so the only comfort I had was crying and eating (yes eating at odd hours). I have always been a dull, idiotic, feminine, fat, good for nothing son of him. You know, I wanted him to at least like me for once, which if he had did once, I would have lost weight. My mother, a conventional obedient wife to her husband could never rescue me, could never understood me. Just never.

You know, whenever Maamo(maternal uncle) used to take me with him for shopping and couldn’t get the pants of my size, he used to laugh out with the shopkeepers. What I did to deal with the situation was stop shopping for myself and stop wearing ready-made pants and jeans. You know I so much loved wearing jeans. But forget it.

You know S! I don’t mind loosing weight or going to gym but the thing is that no one has never bothered enough to hold my hand and ask me for it. Everyone always mocked at me, made fun of me; no one never considered that this elephant also has a heart in his huge body which can feel and respond.

I still remember when I met Sonu very first time in my life at that restaurant; he looked at me and responded, “You are looking so disproportionate.” By God, I never felt so much guilty for being fat that day, in front of that restaurant. Time passes away; I don’t have him now, all I still have is my disproportionate body.

Than there was Fadi who used to say, he “really likes me.” And when we ended up in bed, just after that he said “Look, obesity cultivates several disease and medical problems, so get rid of it before it as soon as possible.” Than he kissed me and said, “But still I like you.” And I replied, “Thank you very much” and never saw his face ever again.

Than there was this guy Mary. He was quite a shy, introvert person and we developed quite a good understanding of each other after some time. One day I asked him to start relationship but he was quite hesitant. When I continued to inquire, he replied hesitantly, “You are really good. You have been a wonderful person and I haven’t met anyone like you. But if you wouldn’t be so much obese than I might have thought about you.”

S! I never thought that my chubbiness and obesity would be taken as a deadly sin. I have never discriminated people, at least who are dear and near to me on the basis of their appearances. But I think I should have told my school fellows that how tacky they looked with their flowing noses, and how much dumb and black they were. I should have made my school teacher aware of the fact that she got the ultimate talent of painting her face in the most weird and awful manner known to the world. I should have told my father that his own father used to consider him a complete jerk. I should have told Sonu that he looked like an anorexic dwarf who needs to donate himself to cartoonist for potential inspiration. I must have told Fadi that how much ugly, dark and hairy he was, giving him a look of the floor of a conventional barber’s shop. I must have told Mary that how badly he needed braces to keep is “outlawed” front teeth in control and how they made him more of a Dracula than a human.

I know S, you are truly a good person and you haven’t said that in any bad context but you see, when today, during chat when you suggested me, “Go to gym and loose weight” you just reminded me of all that what I have been gone through.

Regards
Hadi Hussain

Photo Courtesy: Sergio Roberto Bicahara