I am feeling so much grounded from a few weeks now that I just can’t take it any longer. And the reason behind it is so much stupid and of least importance but somehow it has taken over my heart and soul with low self esteem bouts. If I say that I recently became aware of this issue, than it would be a big lie because things have been in my head for the longest time and I really didn’t know how to deal with them. Henceforth, I have been delaying for no reason and waiting that eventually a time will come which will enable me to say ALL IS WELL . But it was a pseudo-ambiance I had created in order to disguise my internal rampage. But, that night I just couldn’t hold it back and fell flat.
While talking to a relatively sane person in my life, I realized that he has become a competitor to me, or at least I have made him one. I never thought that the life will take such a turn and we will be facing each other like competitors instead of staying beside like comrades. I took out a sheet of paper and actually did an exercise. I started writing his plus points and my short comings. And as I proceeded I started realizing that he’s indeed a better catch than me, rather the best chick on gay block. He is actually a very good representative of the gay community and why shouldn’t he be? He got everything, just everything, which can easily make any one fall for him.
He’s a blue eyed boy of our community, eloquent as Wilde, cute as Rose, handsome as a Turkish/Lebanese hunk, talk like oak, sweet like cherry and blessed with natural gifts which can turn any other gay green with envy. Taking him as a yardstick, one can divide local gay community into two halves; those who like him and his company and got the pleasure of having something with him and those who have a secret crush on him but due to his non-attentive response, like reaction formation, they end up disliking/hating him and spread negative propaganda against him.
For me, he has always been a guy with different tastes and preferences from mine. And I was aware of those differences and appreciate them. We have never been friends, not even in the larger pool of friends but in spite of it, we know each other for the longest time. But for the last few months, I have realized that he is not as much alien as I have thought him to be and he’s good enough to be friend with. And I guess, from that moment onwards, my frustration started.
My sane friend said that we both are alike; the only difference lies in the physical demeanor of ours. I don’t believe her. She is lying; she is also at his side. We are not similar and how can we be?? He is far better than me and I can never match his level of excellence to get someone. I liked someone and than all of a sudden he started dating him, I once again liked someone else and things started between both of them. I know I was never good enough for the people who chose him over me.
He’s is tall, handsome, cute, got large endowment, eloquent, mature and when I compare myself with him, I have nothing to offer. I am tall…fine but my disproportionate body makes me an eye sore. I am fair and so is he but I m getting balder day by day. He got an inborn talent to converse in English whereas I have to put effort in it. I can write well but you can't write down every thing in a party or GT to interact with people. We are from different familial backgrounds and socio-economic classes and this also gives him an edge over me. Although he's idle and I am earning. He has everything anyone can wish to have and I got all my imperfections. He’s even younger than me and still have bundle of experiences in his sleeves and I am a loser, much older and immature in this department.
I don’t know what to do about this whole situation. I want to dislike him, envy him but honestly I can’t because he’s a nice guy. I have never wanted to be like him and now all of a sudden, don’t know why, but I only desired to be like him.
Photo Courtesy: Challenges by Richard Dunstan
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