THE GUY WHO WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH ME

The title suggests the reason I fell for Kim. I just can’t explain how intimate, emotional and special it was for me because no one had ever said anything like that to me and I was literally touched by the emotions embedded in this idea of romantic longevity. It’s said that dreaming is pivotal to human growth if chased, but online dreams; well think again. The communication between me and Kim continued for almost a month and it was a full on emotional roller coaster lifetime experience. Ideally I should have given up the idea of having another online marshmallow affair after Maddy but I thought that there was something special about Kim because of the things he used to say like having a monogamous committed romantic relationship, growing old together, raising kids etc. At that time, I used to wonder how come a guy can actually say the things which I desperately want to hear. He was an IT professional (the field I look up with a childlike amazement because of my lack of understanding to it), almost of my age (which made me think he was mature), could draw sketches (how romantic), can write poems (though I didn’t write his style but still a talent close to my heart), well educated (which is very important for me) and even wanted to study further. Initially I was skeptical another online, long distance affair but I thought of giving myself and him a chance and the vision he had about our lives together was so attractive that I just couldn’t resist and fell for him and that dream. I still remember when Sanu, a friend advised me to be cautious about him when he came to know about the nature of my contact with him and the ‘advanced level’ progress we were having in such a short time. I wish I had taken his advice seriously then but I guess if I had then I wouldn’t have learned what Kim taught me. When I shared my reluctance about our online and long distance communication and asked how its going to work, he showed me another dream of moving to Lahore for me from his native city Karachi. Though, let me accept that it made me felt happy internally and satisfied my sense of worth but still advised him not to make such an important decision just because of me to which he replied that he need a change and has been looking for moving out of Karachi, either for studies or for work. Another fact which makes Kim different was his bisexuality and that seemed to be the only thing at that moment I wasn’t sure to go about. I have a very close friend who is bisexual but she’s a women and I didn’t think that it will be same in the case of a bisexual man. It wasn’t a matter of biphobia but the thing was that I had never been with any bisexual and it seemed like me potentially fighting on two fronts, i.e. both men and women. So, while talking to Kim about it, I started reading stuff about bisexuality in order to know him better. While dreaming about having a future together, I was enjoying all the attention and his frank assertion of ‘being in love’ with me over Facebook. Apart from making me (a person with low self-esteem which I compensate by being sarcastic and at times rude) feel ‘desired’, on one hand this showering of cyber affection was an emancipating experience where we both were claiming the space for the non-heteronormative love while on the other hand while expressing his love, he used to ‘claim’ me in a very hyper masculine manner which sounded chauvinist and highly heteronormative to me and there were moments when I used to feel as if I was a commodity or property been ‘owned’ by some man. Very soon, this very cyber space turned out to be a battle ground for him as he started throwing tantrums to me and others, stalking me and directing me about the what/whom/how of my online communication. Having fights over Facebook comments, likes; seemed a regular normal action for him and I was expected to support him in all his vengeance strikes. And if I failed to succumb to what I supposed to do, I was labeled as being ‘unsupportive’ and ‘unloving’. I soon realized that he was suspicious of my online as well as off line communication with guys. Even he asked me several times to confess about ‘never existing’ sexual/romantic relationship with Boze as we both friends were/are very close to each other. And after my repeated explanations why it just never happened, he would start questioning why not. Moreover, he was obsessed about having me in contact with him around the clock because ‘he loved me,’ and was ‘expressive’ about it. Everything was happening so quickly that I just couldn’t think properly where I was going and what I should do about this. All I knew during those days was more stress with less personal space and I was continuously giving this feedback to myself that ‘He loves me.’ I never realized when this potential ‘janam janam ka sath’ (love for all times) turned emotionally and psychologically abusive. And as if I haven’t enough yet, one day he texted that he came out to his parents and things were really worst between him and his family. He doubted that our communication would be blocked soon and so he wanted me to be with him during that bad phase of his life and I affirmed his confidence in me though I wanted to say, ‘What the fuck’ because just a night before this incident we both talked and explored the consequences of his coming out to his parents and I was agitated why he changed his decision in the morning, without taking me in confidence as it was also related to me. He said that he wanted to come out because of me (though I never asked him to do so) and to formally announce to his parents that he’s not marrying any girl as he had me. In the evening, I got text from his number asking me never to contact Kim again and that was the moment I feared the most. That was too much for me to handle and I freaked out completely and didn’t know what I had done if Boze and Gaia wouldn’t have been there for me. I was worried about his well-being and didn’t know how to go about it. I was sure that being an adult and independent guy, he would be in a better position to cope with it but I was proved wrong when after few days when he contacted me from a different number and told me that his father had beaten up him with a belt and all modes of his communication like cell phone and internet were terminated for few days, he even remained in a ‘house arrest’ for a day or so. On the one hand I was horrified what he has been through and on the other hand I was unable to understand that how could an adult man be so helpless in 21st century. He further blamed me for leaving him in doldrums and didn’t know how to react to it. Latter in the evening, after having the situational analysis, I asked him to re-locate to Lahore secretively as living with his family in Karachi wasn’t plausible for him but he disagreed to it and he told me that he was shopping with his parents and bought them nice goodies and they all happy and pleasant again, and I was like ‘OK’. Another thing I couldn’t understand about him and his parents. Few days later, my fraternal grandmother died and I couldn’t remain in contact with him for few hours and he got another fault in me. At that time I thought that to smoothen up our connection and for the better understanding of each other, I should visit Karachi but he told me that he was unsure of meeting me and I was shocked and felt hurt about it. I don’t know whether it was a deciding point in our connection or my tolerance for taking shit expired and I thought of calling it off but still didn’t want to take initiative. Because I didn’t want to take the responsibility of calling it off, even although I had become a total disaster since the day I came to know him. Finally, one day I was busy with stuff and he got pissed off because I wasn’t replying to him thus he thankfully deleted me from his cyber world and announced the termination of our online connection and relation (if it can be called one). I actually took several sighs of relief but story doesn’t end here and few days later I was informed through a common friend that he attempted suicide which reasserted my belief of not having him in my life because his psychological instability needs professional help, not me. After sometime, he contacted me again and desired to have me back but knowing all our history I declined to do so and that connection even ended up in fight and blame game. At that time, I was happily ready to take all the blame and responsibility but not to have him back in my life. He never contacted me again and neither did I. Now when I look back, I didn’t have any hard feelings or regret about it because that experience helped to learn more about the people and life. It’s much better to remember him as the guy who used to call me late night and make me laugh by acting like a woman or a child over phone.

KARACHI SAGA

It is a long due post as it was supposed to be written shortly after my Karachi trip this August, but somehow I just couldn’t manage to write about this adventure. I don’t know how to put all my experiences in words because I feel out of words to aptly explain what I felt during those few days. Still I am going to try. This post is an apology to all the people of Karachi whom I did hurt repeatedly with my emotional drama and they bore with endless patience. This is also a pledge not to repeat my mistakes as there are lot of other new mistakes waiting for me to be considered. Since my last visit almost a year back, I have been considering of revisiting Karachi for a while but wasn’t sure about it. The month of Ramazan was going on I was spending all my time in reading several books this August. I was severely depressed from quite some time and had no social life at all. But one evening I met Boze who made me realize my follies and issues which left me shaken, like seriously. I never thought that meeting will mark a defining change in my life. After that I started re-evaluating my life, especially my actions during last few months. Therefore, after hitting the bottom, I decided to change and this time for good. So, I thought why not start ‘mending my ways’ from Karachi, the city I never liked and the people I never understood. I took few days off from my work and started a journey to re-learn and re-discover the city and the people with whom I had a connection. I booked a seat with Daewoo Bus service and went out for a 21 hours long journey, almost across the whole country. While commuting, I was wondering what if the people I really want to meet and apologize will deny meeting me? I was so unsure of their reaction because now the tables have turned and I don’t know what this trip will bring on. Phunko was busy during my visit so he apologized for his unavailability while Jadoo, as usual was as welcoming as always to receive me. I was more concerned about Barbie to whom I was definite to meet and to Gollu Mollu about whom I hadn’t decided till then. To my relief when I texted Barbie about my visit he responded affirmatively even after the way I treated him during last one year. To fill you in with the details, for a whole year I was hurting him with my sarcasm and negative attitude, just because he couldn’t meet me during my last visit. He apologized many times but I never listened to his apologies and treated him badly. I used to say hurtful things to him, had fights with him over chat or phone but I never knew that it was also hurting me from inside. I still remember that after every fight I used to whine about over my last visit and looked for reasons to irritate him more and more. I wanted him to leave me but I also wanted him to stay back so that I could use him as an emotional punching bag. I must salute that guy with a mighty heart who bore all my tantrums rather psychological abuse with patience and never let go of me. I must take this opportunity to extend my apologies once again to him for all my behavior and I want him to know that I am so proud of him for being in my life and showing me that patience do have a capacity to win over. DAY 1: Amid the target killings and regular street violence I stepped out of the bus at Karachi terminal in Sohrab Goth, an area known for all the wrong reasons. Coming from Lahore and been a follower of local news channels, Karachi seemed the most dangerous city on the map of Pakistan so the first thing I did was to start scrutinizing everyone around me as a potential street criminal. I left the terminal soon in the shuttle service, and was welcomed by the roadside typical Karachi black/brown shrubs. The shuttle was moving in the city, over flyovers and dropping passengers here and there while I was trying to make out where I was by looking around at the shops, flats and houses but I just couldn’t make any sense because in Karachi you will not find any shop or house with its address. So no one can make sense of the area they are traveling. Meanwhile I saw some shop with the real name of Gollu Mollu and I felt a pang in my heart and at that moment I decided to also text him and request to meet me. For the context, just like Barbie, Gollu Mollu also couldn’t meet me during my last visit and had been treated no different from Barbie. To my surprise, he answered quite excitedly and in affirmation. While traveling to my rest house, I came across a new walk chalking, i.e. “Nara-e-Farooqi-Ya Umar(R.A)”. I had never seen this slogan before in my life and started wondering about its political significance and sectarian. After I checked in, I texted Barbie about my arrival and got ready for my late afternoon lunch with him. I was excited as well as anxious about this meeting. The Forum mall was on a 4 minutes’ walk from my rest house and we decided to meet there. I reached earlier and he joined shortly after my arrival. We hugged each other and first thing I noticed about him was his smile, his understandable awkwardness and his Urdu. We went inside, looked around, bought books and landed up in the food court and placed our order. After general causal talk, we started talking about queer politics, an area where we disagree with each other a lot and I thought, “Shit! I shouldn’t start off with this issue as it will ruin my purpose of meeting him.” Thanks to a phone call which rescued us and our conversation took another casual direction afterwards. After the meal we decided to go some open space and finally ended up Farrer Hall. I had heard a lot about the place as it’s allegedly a place for gay meet ups, hook ups and dating. It was a Saturday evening and I thought of witnessing all this exciting stuff with my own eyes. We got into a rickshaw and had our first photo-shoot together, which was fun. When we reached there, I noticed a park without any boundary wall and populated with countless heterosexual couples of different sizes and shapes with their whining children. All my excitement vanished always like a day dream so thought to spice up the park. There I had my notorious and attention seeking photo-shoot which gained instant attention, glares and gossips. Then we bought our favorite Orange ice lollies, and I trained Barbie about blowjob by licking and sucking that lolly. After all this fun stuff, we sat down on a bench, under a big tree and had our long due heart to heart talk. I apologized from Barbie who proved to be a genuine friend throughout the abused year of our friendship. I admire him, respect him and love him for his patience, maturity and understanding. The feeling of serenity, relief and understanding were almost spiritual at that time and never wanted to end it but we both have other plans so we bid farewell to each other for the day after making plans for tomorrow. I met Jadoo for the Dinner at Café Koel where I had the most amazing Limo panni of my life, though food was average but ambiance was nice. Jadoo was as welcoming and comforting as always. And at times I really wonder at the rare species of human beings he belong to. We talked about our lives, our work and my visit plans. He brought a book for me entitled ‘Forty Rules of Love’ by Elif Sahafak which he has been recommending me from a long time. By the title I thought it to be some stupid teenage romance but Jadoo insisted that it was different from what I assumed it to be. When I read the synopsis on the back of its cover, I found out that the book was all about the relationship between Rumi and Shams which wasn’t exciting enough for me. Because I never liked Rumi or his poetry and I still remember bunking my most favorite classes of Classics of World Literature course when we were reading Rumi. And now after so many years, once again Rumi was in front of me and I didn’t know how to react, other than thanking Jadoo for bringing that book. But now after reading that book, I must say that it is one of the very few books who have inspired me. I will soon write about a detailed post on the books which have inspired me. DAY 2: I had planned a Lunch with Gollu Mollu and was thinking whether he will be able to make it this time or not. What if he would back out this time again? Whatever was going to happen, I have decided to remain positive and understanding instead of bringing a storm in the cocktail. Interestingly, he wasn’t aware of the directions of his native city and I had to guide him with the limited knowledge I had of my where about, as he was driving to my side of town. I came on main road for his convenience and also praying not to be mugged. To be on the safer side, I wasn’t using my cellphone and I was wearing six pocket pants with money in every pocket. I was standing near the underpass when I saw his car approaching and while coming towards me he almost crashed into another car. I froze for a brief moment with the fear but fortunately nothing bad happened. He rushed out of the car and gave me a ceremonial hug while I was asking him commenting over his stunt. We both got in car and then he started laughing, non-stop till we reached Olivetto. Food was really nice there and we had a heart to heart talk about our past, our experiences and how we are going to move on with our friendship. I was happy to see him, humbled that he was able to make it this time and satisfied to have him back as a friend in my life. Then he took me to the other part of town, treated me with fruit cocktail at Hydri and then we reached to Barbie’s place who was in an awkwardly bad mood. After scolding poor Gollu Mollu and hearing me surprised he came back to his usual fun self and from there onwards we three had a blast in car; clicked fun pictures; gossiped about people; and had a complete gay drama, whose leading actor was obviously me. Gollu Mollu had to leave so he dropped us at Zainab Market where Barbie got me few jeans on special Lahori discount. Then Barbie got a quick lunch and tickets a movie for tomorrow and we went to Farrer Hall again and had our Orange ice lollies, photo-shoot, unfruitful poondi and bought few books. I was surprised to notice that Farrer Hall is also called Bagh-e-Jinnah, just like we call Lawrence Gardens in Lahore and interestingly both Baghs are notorious for gay dating and hook ups. From there we started walking towards Zainab Market though I was reluctant initially as I thought that roads of Karachi were not safe after dusk, courtesy: our news channels. Barbie laughed a lot over it which made me feel stupid. There I saw a really interesting new thing, ‘Call a rick’ a door to door pick and drop rickshaw service with headphones to listen music while commuting. We reached Zainab Market safely and had a street push cart limo pani with rooh afza. This marked the end of another exciting day in Karachi. DAY 3: Had yummy chicken cheese parathas in breakfast at Boat basin with a very energetic and talkative guy I came to know through Facebook. While had lunch with an introvert and young guy also from Facebook. Although getting into rickshaw and reaching Atrium for lunch also involves a story where the driver had flirted with me like anything, especially after knowing that I was from Lahore. He offered to take me to Hawkes Bay and show me the sea and when he dropped me, opposite of Atrium, he candidly asked if I need him to escort me across the road as it’s a big city and he didn’t want me to get afraid of traffic, to which I replied, “Lahore main bhi kaafi traffic hoti hai, magar Lahore walay itnay tharki nae hotay.” (Lahore also has huge traffic but they aren’t flirtatious like you). Barbie joined me there after I waited for him like ages. We had quick coffee session and just banged into the cinema for the movie. Movie was OK but I enjoyed Barbie’s company. After that we had dinner at Pizza Hut and again talked about our lives and future plans. I reached back at my guest house with a severe headache. I took pills and tried to sleep while my friends were calling or texting me to wish me on my birthday. This birthday was really special to me as I was turning 28 on 28 and somehow I felt it’s important. Messages from Boze and Agony gave me enough courage to ask for apologies for my ill treatment and extremely bad behavior. Later that night I met another guy from Facebook who was so kind enough to see me over a cup of tea at Boat basin. DAY 4: I had plans to have an exclusive birthday party at some fancy sea side restaurant and some cake cutting ceremony but unfortunately Barbie and Gollu Mollu got some emergency and couldn’t make up for my birthday get together. I felt bad about these sudden emergencies but I said to myself that it’s OK. So, it was just me and Jadoo for my birthday Dinner where we treated ourselves with at BOTS and I had a yummy meal full of sea food along with equally refreshing and tasty blueberry cocktail. After that we went to Café Blue Ginger to have the yummiest Potato and Leek soup and with no space left in our bellies for cake, we head back to our places. I bid farewell to Jadoo as I was leaving in the morning. Next day I left for Lahore with a peace of mind and satisfied heart. This trip provided me with an opportunity to give myself a chance to unburden myself from the bitter emotional baggage of fights, misunderstanding and grudges I was carrying from a long time. And last but not the least; I stopped negatively stereotyping Karachi and Karachities which is not just an impression but a lifelong learning experience.