Existing on the Fringe

Back in 2005, when I was working on a story exploring the deplorable conditions of intersexuals and hermaphrodites living in Pakistan, I wasn’t aware of the fact that there is something like ‘Transsexual or Transgender’ and that they are different from hermaphrodites. But I took the initiative and educate myself about the dynamics and cultural intricacies of diverse sexual identities living in Pakistan. The case of Shazina-Shumaile came up in 2007 which not only provided me an opportunity to study this issue in detail but also unveiled the blatant and irresponsible faces of media and social/moral dictators of Pakistan. Even having not a single clause in the penal code adequately applying to Shazina-Shumaile, the Lahore High Court still sentenced that allegedly “same sex couple” for three years. However, the sentence was adjourned after the interruption and constant pressure from a senior local psychiatrist and ASR resource center (human rights organization).

Recently in May 2010, when Rawalpindi bench of Lahore High Court had permitted Sami Saleem to go through sex reassignment surgery (SRS), I was anticipating the same kind of uncanny response over this historic decision in the legal history of Pakistan where the state has granted the permission for sex change operation to a biologically male but the breaking news got lost as Lahore was havocked with horrendous blasts just a day after the decision.

As an aftermath, I decided to pen down this article, especially for the readers of Pink Pages and conducted interviews of two really amazing and resilient transsexuals (Omi and Nenu, both Male to Female) to whom I am highly obliged for trusting and sharing their personal lives with me.

Omi is an undergrad student and challenges heteronormativity through critical social discourse on his blog.

Nenu is a commerce graduate and works for a newsweekly.

You define yourself as a transsexual, how do you relate to it?

Omi: Sometimes I think it was a lot easier when the only word I knew for describing myself was ‘zanana’, which can be translated literally as ‘womanlike man’. It was never fixed for me, and even now no feeling of identity is consistent. Since my childhood, I was sharply aware of my body and people’s attitudes toward my gender non-conformity. I just talked, walked and thought differently and then somewhere down the line when I had to deal with issues of acceptance and view myself from the mindset of rigid social order, I felt that I would never be able to live up to the ideals of manhood. Therefore, I consciously started defining myself as a girl in a boy’s body. But now, my transsexuality also has a political flavor, whereby I see myself as committed to femininity as a way of being. But, like I said, this has kept changing, and even now I see myself riven with contradictions.

Nenu: I feel like having body dysmorphic disorder. My identity is androgynous, neither fit for any gender box nor do I want it to be. It’s a matter of distorted body image or whatever that I don’t relate to being male. As regards to hair and make-up and fashion? It’s a thing I need to learn…but it would only be for special occasions when I’d like to dress up like a woman.

What were the problems you have faced in your life course due to your identity?

Omi: Mainly psychological and social anxiety. It has gotten better now, but I still remain borderline agoraphobic. At times, I feel prone to compulsions as a way of escaping myself and my social responsibilities.

Nenu: Not many. I guess they will come up when I will dress up in woman clothes or will entertain any such desire. But I will better keep it to myself. I have never behaved effeminately or expressed myself in any such way, publicly. Personally, I am a shy and insecure individual and most of the people regard these traits as feminine. I, although, completely disagree with this notion.

For any one living in Pakistan, family and religion earns a huge amount of space in one’s personal life, how do you reconcile with these social institutes while having a non-heteronormative identity?

Omi: Mostly, by assuming an outward heteronormative identity. Isn’t that all we can do? As for family and religion, yes those two are very important to me, and that is why, I think, I couldn’t shut my family out from my internal struggles. I ‘came out’ to them as gay, because that was the only label I knew of then. But at the same I also explained my sexuality in terms of a trans identity, reminding them how this was only natural for a girly boy like me. Even now, I find it easier to talk to them if I distance myself from the stigma of same-sex desire, although I do it not by faking heteronormativity, but by telling them that I never intend to act on it, explaining to them how for me the love of God will be enough, quoting Rabia Basri’s mystic verse. In a way, I believe it to be true as well, as I find sexual desire very limiting and problematic. In my relationship as well, I am more concerned with the emotional aspects of it than the sexual, and increasingly, experience lower and lower sex drive.

Nenu: My Family now knows and does not like it, but I do not bother them with initiating the conversation ever. Of course, it does come along when they are trying to pursue me to get married. Otherwise I steer clear of it. The fact is that I do not express myself the way I can, so although I am not being true to myself, I am out of trouble. Religion is not a problem unless it creeps up in my “discussions” with family. Also it helps that both Sunni and Shia authorities have issued fatwas declaring sex-change operations permissible. The question that this may be immoral or “unnatural” has taken quite some of my time, but I now think, aeroplanes, cars, clothes, houses…everything may be considered unnatural taken in such a context.

Did you look for any support and why?

Omi: I look for community. I think there should be a parallel world where I can feel at home, have the feeling of family. A community I can grow old with. Individualism – it’s not for me. I think an LGBT community can do this, as most of us ‘deviants’ here in Pakistan live lonely lives and understand how important community is. I also want to open myself up to people, get out of the mental closet I’ve put myself in.

Nenu: I did not, although I did make an online friend who introduced me to a local LGBT support group which has helped me loads. I am albeit slowly, getting over my social inhibitions and becoming more confident each day by trying out new ways to express myself whenever I am around them.

Tell us about your intimate relations, how they have been. (And if you haven’t any than what do you think is the reason behind it)

Omi: I’ve only had one relationship, which is ongoing, though now I call it complicated and see it as a marriage of convenience. It was love for both of us. It not only made me comfortable with my body but also made me accept masculinity; his masculinity and mine own. We see each other as fairly androgynous, although I think an initial issue for the both of us was that we made each other feel like girls. It seems silly now, though. But because this relationship happened outside the context of community, there were two problems: A. I invested too much in it and B. We two are stranded, unable to share our issues with anybody else. My boyfriend is more adjusted in the heteronormative social life; there is huge chunk of his everyday life in which he has to forget all about us, which I find increasingly unacceptable.

Nenu: I have never been into any and the reasons are varied. I am an extremely shy and asocial person. Hence I did not ask anyone out and if anyone ever shows any interest in me, I simply freak out. Another reason would be the dilemma in my head, a straight man/lesbian woman would want me as a woman, which I am not, and a gay man/straight woman would want me as a man, the thought of which makes me weird.

Have you thought about the aftermath of your post operation situation? What kind of problems, if any, you think you will face and how you will deal with them?

Omi: Well, I imagine myself going through SRS in a situation beyond my current family responsibilities. There are some expectations of family and friends that I can fulfil, career-wise. So for now I’ve basically postponed it indefinitely. When I do go through it, I think there will be a lot of issues, but I don’t see how that would be any more difficult than what I’ve already been through.

Nenu: I do not expect any kind of problems until and unless I am comfortable in my own skin, especially in intimate relationships. As far as social situations are concerned, I have been taking hormone treatment from a long time and still living full time as a man which at times create a socially ambiguous situation publicly.

Recently Sami has been granted the legal permission for sex change operation. Does this decision make any difference to you? Why and how?

Omi: Yes, it does. When it happened, I told my mom all about it. I’m hoping that with the court allowing Sami (who is a proper functioning male) to go through SRS and not telling him to fix his behaviour or take male hormones like my parents have always wanted me to, they would realize that it’s not just my ‘stubbornness’ and fixing really cannot happen.

Nenu: Sami’s case is very momentous as now when I would require legal permission, I can use this case as a precedent and have better chances of being granted the same.

(This article has been published in the October, 2010 issue of Pink Pages
Magazine).

(Courtesy Image: Diego Medrano)