“I am Sorry Daddy for Being a Fat Fag”

Once upon a time, I was just a kid, a regular shy kid with average weight but then one day, things started to change. The magical words of some fairy godmother lost their way and struck me and I became fat and faggy. You see, people used to say that,fat and faggy. Daddy was the first one to come up and notice it and tried to control it. He never liked me though; he had several reasons not to like me. I talked faggy, I walked faggy, I looked fat, and I looked ugly. People didn’t like me and so he didn’t like me. You see! it was very important for him to see if people liked me or not.
I was girlie, that’s what people used to say to him and so one day he decided to make me a boi, a real boi, a man. He asked me to stop running after butterflies and plucking flowers and to start playing with boys, elder bois. “But daddy I love butterflies, I love flowers, they make me happy, they are so beautiful, so colourful. Look at them.” He didn’t even look at me, how he can look at them.
He was always ashamed of me, poor Daddy. I couldn’t run good enough to win any race. I couldn’t play cricket or fight with other boi, not as I was supposed to do.
“Daddy, I got second position, see my certificate.” He was looking at the boi who stood first. He didn’t look at my certificate. It didn’t have that golden medal imprint on it. I guess daddy like golden colour. He never talked to me about anything, just gave directions.
Daddy you remember those shopping sessions when I couldn’t get anything of my size. No jeans, no shorts, no tee-shirts for me then; I loved pink tee-shirts though but I couldn’t take them, they were girlie you see. I still remember the sarcastic smile of every shopkeeper who would come towards me with an inch tape to check my size and after it he would start laughing and so would you. How much embarrassing it was for you daddy? I am so sorry for it daddy.
Do you remember daddy that Pinky, (my sister), used to call me motta(fat), aalo (potato), maajh (cow). I guess she didn’t know that my name was “Hadi” even I forgot my name was Hadi. And then I became her “baji” (literally means elder sister but is also used to refer someone as gay). I guess you know that Pinky has been always very good at giving nicks, especially mine. Daddy she was just a little girl then you see, just a little girl and it’s good that you never confronted her for that. You were such a grown up man, Daddy.
Have I ever told you that my peers in school used to bully me, make fun of me, harass me for being fat, for being shy, for being gay. Daddy have I ever told you that I used to cry without a sound, only in tears in the school loo after my daily raging session. Have I ever told you that the senior students used to kiss me and try to get all snuggly with me even when I could see that was something weird?
I can recall all your sayings daddy, like don’t eat this, don’t eat that, run like a dog, don’t you hate your body, look at all the fat, look at your chest come breasts, look at your love handles, “Aren’t you ashamed of it”? I am sorry Daddy! I never told you that I was really ashamed of myself, of my body. I so much wanted to cut myself in to pieces and gift you the size you want. I so much wanted to drown myself in the most concentrated acid ever existed, to get all my body and soul dissolved in it. I want to bang my head with the wall so much that I wish to lose the consciousness of being fat and faggy. But I couldn’t do any such thing, look at my survival instinct daddy, won't you appreciate me for that? Look how rough and tough the son of yours, the son of shame of yours, has become.
I stopped making friend Daddy, I stopped playing daddy and all I continued was getting fat and fag. I am so sorry for that daddy, I am really very sorry. I have been such an embracement for you for every one. You see daddy, some people do say this to me, “Nae (No), you shouldn’t feel that way, you should be take positivity out of it.” Fuck man, fuck for making me say fuck, and then for not getting my point. Don’t portray the bloody clichés, I am not going to be carried away by these beautiful lies and shallow ‘feel good’ stuff.
You know daddy, it was Danny who tried to make me realise how beautiful and good I was. He must be an alien daddy, a freak daddy; he never bothered with my fats and fagginess. I still remember that Saturday night when after a get together, we were walking down the lane I saw the bus we had to catch and I just looked at him said, “Let’s run and catch it.” He was a bit shocked and reluctant but as I started chasing the bus with full reverence and juvenile fervour, he joined me in. We didn’t get that bus but I got a great deal inside me. I ran that day daddy, I ran without thinking that you or anybody else will be ashamed of me.
You know daddy, once I started hanging out with my queer folks, I realised how much this body, my body is a hurdle in getting me a nice guy. The folks used to advise me “Babe you are awesome, really handsome, just lose some weight and then you will be the talk of the town.” ‘Talk of the town’, what a wonderful title daddy, see! they are as much concerned about me as you were. I want to take this opportunity to send my apologies to them as well. I am sorry lovelies.
You know daddy recently somebody just said it in his flow, “I can’t be with someone who’s so fat that if I ‘ll poke my finger in him, it will go inside.” You know daddy what I did that day. As I got back and went to refreshen up myself, I put off my shirt and stood in front my bathroom mirror. I could see all my extra fats, my flabs, around my belly, around my love handles and my chest cum breasts. For all those years I have hated them, detested them every single day. But at that moment, very first time, I started caressing and kissing my flabs and said to them, “I love you all, I love you my flabs, my fat, I love you very much. What if nobody loves you, respect you? What if everybody hates you, dislike you and make your self-esteem go down? You are beautiful, you are part of me, I own you, I respect you, I love you immensely. I will appreciate you, I will love you the way nobody else will do. Just trust me, just give me a chance.” I continued to say all that for I don’t know how much time and during that I was having tears in my eyes. The tears of belongingness, of appreciation, of love, of care, of overriding a history of shame and guilt, of resurrected pride. It was extremely cathartic and so was the text Phunk send me a few days back, “You are real, that’s why you are beautiful.”

(Image Courtesy: Jesse Therrien)

Apology to Ahmedi Brethren

Doubtlessly, 28th May will be regarded as one of the most memorable days in the history of Pakistan. By the grace of Allah Almighty, we exploded six atomic bombs in the Chaghi Hills back in 1998 and now in 2010, we exploded and killed more than 100 Ahmedis praying in Masjids, oh sorry, in their worship places in Lahore. A really commendable achievement which has brought a huge round of applause from the whole world as we really know how to nip the evil in the bud before it blossoms, we are completely aware how to stab people who don’t agree with the majority. MashAllah, we are the true heirs of Islam who know how to keep the true spirit of Islam alive by blowing up every non-conformist and how to feel proud of it. This is our Jihad, this is our salvation, this is how we are going to end up in heaven and enjoy the promised package of 70 hoors, oh sorry 72 hoors, dying to be fucked by zealots of Islam.

Indeed such actions are committed by the Tailbans, terrorists or by intelligence agencies of our neighboring country (whom we most of the time don’t name, although it’s an open secret that it’s INDIA) but let me ask what the hell the government has been doing apart from unburdening itself from the responsibility towards its citizens and not admitting to the security lapse. I ask where has been the worthy government when anti-ahmedi banners were on displace at the Mall Road Lahore. What our respected politicians have been doing in the Khatam-e-Nabuwat (End of Prophethood) meetings and conferences with the bigwigs of Islam? Surely, they were not discussing how amazing and wonderful is the idea of having Muhammad (P.B.U.H) as the last prophet. It is obvious that such meetings and conferences are arranged to assemble resources and to pledge against Ahmedis, who supposedly do not consider Muhammad (P.B.U.H) as the last prophet and the presence of our politicians in such meetings clearly states their subscription to this ideology.

It is complete out of comprehension that how, the Muslims, are segregating other Muslims from the mainstream just because of certain differences. I cannot understand how they can act as a yardstick to everyone such a personal matter. In addition, who has given this right of declaring anyone Muslim or non-Muslim. I remember that Hadith from my school days which describes an incident of a war in which Muslim fighters killed some Kauffars(infidels) who were saying that they have converted to Islam. When this case came to Muhammd (P.B.U.H), his face turned red with rage and he said that, they should not be killed if they were claiming to be Muslims. Also, the last verse from the chapter Al-Kafiroun of the Quran which states, “To you be your religion, and to me be mine”. If these are the clear directions of our most prestigious and valuable religious texts than why we are not adhering to them? This religious hypocrisy within us is evident to the impetus that we select those guidelines that cater our interests. Just like Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, who declared Ahmedis non-Muslims through second amendment in 1974 to safeguard his political interests. Followed by General Zia ul Haq(read Zia ul Fuck, because that’s what he has done to our whole country and to the generations to come) who barred Ahmedis from calling themselves Muslims, calling for Azan(prayer call) and naming their worship places Masjids. I mean there wouldn’t be another example in the world history where a country has ostracized its own citizens in such a blatant and inhuman way, legally.


I was reading an article by Yasser Latif Hamadani in which he quoted that in 1944, when a group of Muslim divines approached Jinnah to persuade him unsuccessfully to turn all Ahmedis out of the Muslim League; he responded by saying, “Who am I to declare non-Muslim a person who calls himself a Muslim?” If that was the way, the Father of the Nation dealt with it than why we end up being so bigoted and insane.

This whole incident has made me an emotional and psychological wreck. I could not concentrate for days after it. So, let me hear that it is a matter of immense guilt, shame and regret not only for me but also for every conscientious citizen of Pakistan who believe in the sanctity of human life. I have never been so much ashamed of being a Muslim in my whole life before. Being a minority myself, I can understand how it feel to be a minority and what are threats and risks attached to it. This incident clearly indicate that whoever has issues with Ahmedis being Muslims and worshiping in Masjids will definitely have issues with the Muslim queers, calling themselves Muslims and praying in Masjids. Also, I was put off by the reaction of a few so-called en-lighted human rights activists who disapproved of my solidarity for the community. Because they think, they are non-Muslims who need to be disciplined.

I know, I am unable to understand the level of pain and suffering Ahmedi community has experienced in this atrocious event and I can’t even pay back for all those tears they have shed for their dear ones. I am also aware of the fact that at times how shallow it looks to say Sorry but that's all i am left with. I apologize for whatever happened. I am sorry for all that has been done to you people since last 121 years and still years to come. I know you are hurt and so am I and let us hope that together we can and we will bring a change some day.

Photo Courtesy: Bystander Effect by Iwan Beijes